'AITA for refusing to share my special cheesecake recipe with my judgmental sister?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to share my recipe?"

At the risk of sounding trite, my upbringing was not a good one. I (58m) am the youngest of a large, dysfunctional family, and while I am at least cordial, I would prefer to have as little contact with my surviving siblings as possible. The one sister, Beth, I did get along with has since passed on. I'm not what you would consider an expert baker, but I enjoy it.

My late sister and I used to get together for Christmas at her place. One of my contributions to the dinner was a cheesecake I made from a recipe I found on the internet. The first time I tried it, I thought it was decent, but also felt I could improve it.

And over the years, I've experimented with the recipe, adding new ingredients, changing the amounts of other ingredients, I eventually perfected the recipe and I think I've done sufficient modifications to make it officially my cheesecake recipe. Since my sister's passing, I still make it and give it away to friends, in Beth's memory.

I've gotten many compliments on it, even some saying it's the best cheesecake they've ever tasted. One person I made it for paid me very generously to make another one. The problem now arises when another of my sisters, Jean, came down for a visit. I wasn't happy about this, but I humored her.

(For those who want to know why I don't care to see her, she's very religious and condemns gay people, insisting that anyone who's gay chose to be gay. I also shared with her a story about some horrible treatment I used to receive from yet another of our sisters, Anne, and Jean flat-out said she didn't believe that Anne was ever so horrible. So, essentially, Jean has called me a liar twice.)

She asked me to make the cheesecake I made for Beth and me. So, I did. She loved it and asked for the recipe. I gave her the website I got the recipe from, not my version. However, upon making it herself when she returned home, she quickly picked up on the fact that it wasn't the version I made for her.

So, I conceded that I "may have changed one or two things" and suggested she experiment with it and make it her own. But she wanted to know the exact recipe I used.

I refused, saying that it was my recipe and I'm not giving it out. (Although I did give it to my best friend's teenaged daughter, Alison, who is starting her own baking business. Since my best friend is chosen family, I decided I could share it with his daughter, but told her it was a "family recipe" now, and to share it only with her children when she has them. She said she understood.)

"But we're family!" my sister protested.

"Oh, you are so not my family," I thought.

She's persisted in badgering me for it. And even gotten her own kids involved. Truthfully, I have nothing against her kids, or any of my other siblings' kids. It's just my siblings themselves that I would prefer to have nothing to do with. Even two of our other siblings have joined in demanding my recipe. This isn't persuading me; it's only making me angry. AITA for refusing to share my recipe?

The commenters had lots to say in response.

KronkLaSworda wrote:

NTA at all.

You made the recipe your own and don't owe it to anyone, especially someone that called you a liar.

Prize_Diamond_7874 wrote:

Your first mistake was admitting your version was different. A blank stare and feigned concern at how it could seem different and then change the subject is the way to go.

Ok_Register3005 wrote:

NTA. Recipe gatekeeping is weird, but it doesn't make you an AH. Now you need firm boundaries. "This again? I'm not discussing the recipe" if they persist "is live to talk about something what but if you won't this conversation is over. If that doesn't work just pretend they didn't mention it and go on as of they didn't bring it up. Silence works wonders. They'll eventually get bored.

IAmIrene wrote:

NTA. You are not obligated to divulge your cooking secrets to anyone, let alone a sister who's only interest in you appears to be what she can get from you.

Side Note: you might consider going into the cheesecake business. The world needs more cheesecake. :)

AndSoltGoes24 wrote:

"'We're family!' is a convenient trope people pull out of their behinds when they already know they don't treat family members with consideration, kindness or respect. I'll be family when you treat me like your family. This is fixable Jean. But, that means you'll have to change into someone better. Let me know when the new and improved you shows up.

A recipe is the least of what I'd give someone who treats me with consideration, kindness and respect."

NTA. Just be honest and firm with her. She is on some total bunk.

The next day, OP shared an update.

First, thank you, everyone for all the thoughtful replies. I have upvoted all of you, even those who disagreed with me.

I was very touched by some of your comments and got rather emotional. And I'm not even sure why.

And some of you were outright hilarious. But you also gave me something important to think about: namely, why am I even bothering to walk on eggshells trying to placate people who have rejected me? I guess I was so used to doing it, for the sake of our mother (our father died when I was 18).

But mom passed in 2015, and Beth died about a year and a half later. So, who am I keeping up this facade for? Because I happen to live in Florida, and they live up north, they refer to my home (which I purchased without any help from anyone) as "the vacation home," which is why Jean felt free to invite herself to my house.

So, I don't need to "keep the peace" for anyone. Especially for people who are so openly contemptuous of me and have me adopting this servile role to stay in the family's good graces. Well, screw their good graces. I finally realized that I don't give a crap if they like me or not. So, I followed the suggestion a few of you have made and blocked them. And it actually feels quite nice to have done it.

The internet was happy to hear the update.

Hot-Cranberry-824 wrote:

Good for you, OP!

RivSilver wrote:

Yay!! Congrats on taking back your power and the peace you deserve! You rock!

oceangarbage14 wrote:

Congrats on your newly found block button AND your perfected cheesecake recipe OP!!!