'AITA for reporting a co-worker for wanting to set me up on a date with someone?' UPDATED

"AITA for reporting a co-worker who wanted to set me up with someone then trying to apologize after I became interested?"

It’s important to note that I’m (34F) a lesbian who isn’t completely out but I’m not completely in the closet either. I’m “out” when I’m with my close circle of friends. No, I don’t live in a conservative area….it’s just a personal thing and I have my reasons for keeping it this way at the moment.

So I work with a guy (31M). We’ve worked together for roughly 6 months. We aren’t close but I’d say we’re work buddies. We don’t follow each other on any socials but we do chit chat here and there at work about insignificant stuff. Our political views align so that’s mostly what we talk about when we do talk.

Last week we were walking out of the building together at the end of shift and he asked me if I was single. We’d never really asked each other anything that personal before so I was taken a back a bit. I’ve had plenty of men in my life hit on me and usually it’s no big deal to let them know im not interested….but I’ve been single for almost a year now

and I’ll admit my relationship status is kind of a sensitive thing at the moment. I told him something along the lines of “sorry but im not interested”. He stopped me and said he wasn’t asking for himself. I was just trying to get to my car and leave work and I felt really annoyed at this point. I told him I wasn’t going to hook up with his friend and I’d appreciate it if he just left me alone.

He stepped back and asked me “what's your problem?” I told him if his friend was anything like him then I really have zero interest. As I walked away he said “no wonder you’re single!” When I told all this to my roommate/bestie they told me my reaction was extreme and that I was the AH in the scenario. I felt he was out of line and doubled down.

The following day I told our manager what happened and that the whole event made me uncomfortable. The manager had a “coach and counsel” talk with my co-worker. That was yesterday. My co-worker has been radio silent with me ever since. I expected he’d apologize, but nothing. The manager and I are friends outside of work. She knows im gay.

When I asked her how the talk went she told me I should have heard him out. I was confused and asked what she meant…..turns out he wanted to set me up with his sister. How did he know I was gay? He told our manager it was the Xena warrior princess screen saver on my desktop and his “gay-dar” from growing up with 2 lesbian sisters.

She knows this employee somewhat well and gave me his sisters name and said to check her out on instagram…..yeah, she’s a 10. Walks that fine line between butch and femme perfectly and looks very liberal like myself.

Now I feel bad because not only did I miss out on possibly meeting someone but I was beginning to think I was indeed the AH and he just caught me at a bad time. I’ve always had issues interacting with men. The next day I planned on apologizing but he put in a shift change request and got moved to 2nd shift. I have his phone number but I’ve been blocked. Was I the AH here?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

-throw-away-forever- said:

YTA. this wasn’t just some random man asking if you’re single. this was your coworker that you knew and trusted well enough to talk politics at work. even if he was asking you out, i see nothing in your post that indicates he was being disrespectful or out of line whatsoever. you are clearly extremely sensitive about your sexuality and dating life.

from another queer, i get it. it can be very complicated and emotional to live outside of heteronormativity. but you took this private pain out on someone who had been nothing but a friend to you. this is assholish enough on its own, but the fact that you doubled down on this asshole move and got a manager involved? triple asshole supreme. no wonder you are single indeed.

Graves_Digger said:

YTA. You jumped to conclusions and now you are only planning to apologize to get at his sister, who you have absolutely zero chance with now. If this were a random man, I'd be behind you 100%, but this is someone you're friendly with, maybe try hearing him out before assuming next time.

Krakengreyjoy said:

YTA. It sounds like you went from 0 to offended in a second for absolutely no reason. Then you went and reported him? \ Look, if it was harassment or some rando, sure, but it was a person you were friendly with. Now you just lit that relationship on fire just because you made an assumption about someone. shame on you.

mamaMoonlight21 said:

Yes, YTA. You jumped to conclusions instead of listening to your friend. Apologize, now, if you want to save the friendship.

Verdict: YTA.

EDIT: I've accepted im a huge AH. The only way i know how to reach him is through work email. I sent him message apologizing and asked if we could talk.

2ND EDIT: Co worker had no interest in talking. I reached out to his sister on Intagram regardless. We've been chatting. I got her digits.

She has no idea who i am and says she doesnt talk to her family much about her love life. So im gonna see where it goes and cross that blown up bridge somehow when i get to it. We've been talking non-stop since i hit her up so i think im in!

New Update:

The sister and I started talking quite a bit after I reached out to her. I didn’t tell her who I was. After a few days it became pretty clear I’d fucked up massively. There was genuine chemistry between us. She wanted to meet in person. I was getting the feels. She was getting the feels. I had to come clean. I told her who I was. I told her what had happen between her brother and me. It didn’t go well.

She said she needed space. She blocked me. Maybe she’ll unblock me….maybe she won’t. Her brother did send me a text saying he appreciated me being honest with her despite being pissed I reached out to her. I apologized to him again. I told my manager I was out of line with my coworker and wanted my complaint retracted.

All in all I got what was coming to me. I’m working on being a better person. I honestly don't know how it even got to that point or why i acted so crazy. Hopefully I can make amends with both of them in the future.