'AITA for romantically pursuing my friend's nanny? She seems into me.' UPDATED 2X

Technically, consenting adults can do whatever they want. But that doesn't mean they always should.

"AITA for romantically pursuing my friend's nanny?"

Cliché title I know but my friend group is split and I'm being called an arsehole so here I am.

I (43M) have been pursuing a relationship with my friend's nanny. He's in finance, she's a doctor so they needed an extra pair of hands to look after their 6-month-old.

About two months ago they found "Ella" (29) who they were happy with and she's been a great help, so I was told. Fast forward to a month ago I'm over their place to meet the baby, and meet Ella for the first time. I thought she was beautiful from the second I laid eyes on her, she's smart and very outgoing, I won't lie I probably looked like an idiot but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

Ella and I exchanged numbers with the understanding it was good to have them in the event of an emergency. Both parents aren't always available so I'm the next best thing in an emergency. Anyway, we'd been texting back and forth for a couple weeks and I thought f#$k it, and asked her out for a drink. She said yes!

Apparently Ella told my friend and his wife that she was going on a date with me and they're pissed, saying I'll screw up their relationship with her and other stuff. I reminded them Ella's an adult and she's interested in me too but they told me I need to cancel the date and not go after their nanny because they need her focused on her job and I'm a distraction (?)

I refused again, now our friend group is involved and divided. Some agree with me (we're adults we can decide for ourselves) others agree with them (I'm an AH and it's inappropriate). So, AITA?

The internet was quick to weigh in.

Stuck_With_Name wrote:

YTA. On 2 fronts.

1.) This is your close friend's employee. The power dynamic is weird. What happens when it's raise time? What about when you both bitch about work? Your friend said no. Don't do it.

2) The age gap is too much. I like to use 20% as a rule of thumb. You're more than 20% older than her. Another popular one is half your age plus 7. She's still too young for you. Look for partners at the same life-stage as you.

OP responded:

She isn't bothered by my age and I'm not stupid enough to pass up the opportunity to spend an evening with a gorgeous 20-something. I don't see why they get to make this decision for either of us.

PsychologyAutomatic3 wrote:

YTA. If things go south with you and the nanny she may quit to avoid any possible contact with you. You are not a good friend to say that because you’re consenting adults, it’s not your problem even though you say that you can see where they coming from.

OP responded:

I don't mean to sound incredibly self centered but that's a risk Ella has to figure out if she's willing to take. My friends went through a tough time finding her in the first place but I don't see how they can expect her to just not go out socially.

Issyswe wrote:

43 divided by 2 (21.5) plus 7 = 28.5. You’re really skating on the edge of this rule regarding appropriate age gaps. As a 41-year-old I could not imagine being remotely interested in somebody in their late 20s, they are quite simply in a different stage of life.

The fact of the matter is this relationship is unlikely to work out in the long term but your friends will always remember that you basically robbed the cradle in the context of being an “emergency contact” to their daughter.

(Sure buddy.) Legal adult status or no, the age gap is important. Also, the general impression of men who go after very very young women are that they cannot find a woman their own age that puts up with their crap. So YTA.

OP responded:

I've dated all ages (appropriately, of course) I just enjoy the company of younger women they're more adventurous and fun to spend time with. I'm not looking for anything particularly long term just to enjoy some time with an attractive, albeit, younger woman until things reach their natural conclusion.

forpugsake1008 wrote:

Ahhh so yes YTA. Your friends most likely know you’re only after one thing and how this will end… with them losing their nanny once you’re done messing around with her. Gross. YTA

OP responded:

I wouldn't call it "messing around" I'm open to something longer term and I don't see anything gross about it either.

eaca02124 wrote:

YTA. Initially, I was sort of on the edge, and then you posted this:

"I've dated all ages (appropriately, of course) I just enjoy the company of younger women they're more adventurous and fun to spend time with."

I'm not looking for anything particularly long term just to enjoy some time with an attractive, albeit, younger woman until things reach their natural conclusion.

Call me all the names you want about being middle aged and grouchy, what I hear when people talk about younger women being "more adventurous" is "younger women have fewer boundaries, will do more stuff in bed, and put up with more crap."

And while I understand what I suspect is a desire for an@l s#x and/or a partner who doesn't have responsibilities that limit her free time or make her tired on weekends or evenings, or experience that makes her impatient with your sh#$t, I don't respect it very much.

I especially don't respect it when you are just in it for fun, and your fun involves your friends' childcare. I have children, and I have had nannies, and the level of protectiveness I feel about the people who protected my kids was off the charts, because it's not just about my employee, it's about my children and my career.

You are not offering anything to this woman that she couldn't get from someone less connected to her employers, but you are bringing potential drama and heartbreak into the life of someone your friends seriously depend on. Furthermore, the world is full of hot young women who do not nanny for your friends, who you could look at instead, as indeed, you are already planning to look at them eventually.

If your connection to the nanny was emotionally important to you, I would tell you to go ahead, but since you say you see her as a good time from whom you will inevitably move on, I think you should skip right over dating her and move on now. Messing with a friends' childcare for a disposable fling is not cool.

OP responded:

I never said anything about an#l s#x (what?) it's one date and as far as I'm aware it's incredibly unlikely to end with s#x. The way I phrased things probably came across wrong, I just want to see where things could go and Ella's interested in pursuing that with me.I won't call anyone names over sharing an opinion that I asked for either.

OP responded:

I'm the baby's godfather, but I see what you mean. Ella can make decisions for herself

Alone_Mi wrote:

Worse case this ruins your relationship with your friend who you are the god father to thier child. But you get some young girl half your age to hook up with.

OP responded:

I won't deny the idea of sleeping with Ella has crossed my mind, I am human after all, but I doubt it'll ruin things. We've done stupid s**t over the years and we always forgive each other.

Not long after OP posted, his friend - the father in question, made a comment.

YTA. I'm the father mentioned in this post and I can't believe you have the stones to post this. He sent me the post to gloat, I guess at some point it was going his way? Most of what he said is true, my wife and I had a baby 6 months ago and hired a nanny. He is not my baby's godfather, we are not friends. He did not ask Ella for her number, he took it from the baby book my wife put together in case of emergencies.

The only reason he was at my house is because my wife feels sorry for him and invites him over for dinner sometimes. For what it's worth, Ella is neither 29 nor interested. She was being polite because you told her we were best friends and she wanted to make a good impression.

I've told her to block his number and every single social media I know he has and apologised profusely because I don't want her to quit. "Jake" -because I can do a piss poor job of picking an alternate name too. You are The AH. If you come near my family again I'll lay all your s#$t out for the world to see.

Commenters had a LOT to say in response to the update from the father.

hermitqueenwitchwaif wrote:

This guy is SUCH an AH lolololol that girl was being groomed and coerced and yall just had to step in like real people and as parents because he's such an AH. I bet he pressured Ella for that date for so f ing long GOOD ON YOU AND YOUR WIFE FOR STANDING UP FOR HER.

Also, sidenote, I KNEW he was lying about her age, I thought he's so 💩 it was going to be 19 that's why he said 29 but 24 is just as bad as 19. THAT'S your sure sign he actually knows what he's doing is wrong

The dad responded:

I am a little tempted to see the messages between them but I've given Ella the night off to deal with things in her own way without my fussy 6 month old. Honestly if she was my daughter Jake wouldn't see me coming.

watcrbender wrote:

I'm sorry what do you mean uncomfortable? op says that the nanny agreed to go out, was that also a lie?

The dad responded:

I think she agreed because he had her convinced we were close friends. My wife is going to talk to her after her shift tomorrow morning but I've tried my best to reassure her as much as I can that Jake is not and never will be considered a friend.

chuchinchuchu wrote:

How old is she, then? Now I’ve gotta know!

Jakeyouahole wrote:

24, barely.

chuchinchuchu responded:

Oh, gross. I’m sorry, dude. Yeah, your “friend” here sounds like a real piece.

The dad responded:

I'm sorry too, I had no idea he'd go that far. It wasn't until he sent me the post I learned he was even in contact with her.

Scheme-Content wrote:

Him sending you the post is somehow even more psychotic than everything else???

The dad responded:

I honestly have no idea what his reasoning was, he seemed so smug when he text me the link.

hufflepuff777 wrote:

Thanks for looking out for your nanny.

The dad responded:

I can't deny I feel terrible she was put in this position, whether I knew it or not. I feel like I should have done something.

Low_Alternative2555 wrote:

Wow, so weird he sent you the link that he lied in. Make sure she is safe in your home plz, something seems…off. Also Jake is TA all day.

The dad responded:

I think he wanted to show he could "get" someone like Ella if he wanted to but I'll never really know. He's blocked everywhere I can think of and when my wife comes home she'll do the same.

nightmares06 wrote:

Thank you for helping her through this

The dad responded:

I'm leaving the actual helping to my wife when she gets home. At the moment all I can do is reassure Ella that she's done nothing wrong and that her job is secured for as long as she wants it.

After receiving lots of support, the dad jumped on with an update about Ella and OP.

A few people asked for an update, I did start writing one before the post he wrote was deleted. I don't know why, and I don't care. I saw screenshots of the messages from Jake and to say I was disgusted is a massive understatement. He bragged about wealth I'm fairly certain he doesn't have, how close we all are and how he introduced me to my wife (we were married when I met him).

He also hinted at having influence over me because he's "like an older brother" to me and suggested to Ella that he could convince me to give her special privileges and a raise. I assured Ella none of it was true and that we were very happy with her work. I also called Jake myself to rip him a new one, he insisted Ella was interested, that she'd lied her age to him, that they'd been flirting for weeks.

I told him I'd read the messages, and that Ella told me the truth. He got quiet, said he hadn't done anything wrong and that he had to go suddenly. He's been blocked everywhere, I'm also paying for Ella to change her number to make doubly sure he can't get through to her.

Not the most exciting, I imagine some of you thought he'd turn up at my door again or something like in the movies. I'm signing out of this account, I was planning on deleting it (which is how I found the requests for an update) but here you go. I'm glad you enjoyed my life turning into a waking nightmare for a day. Also, f#$k you Jake.

People had a lot to say.

Jealousmustardgas wrote:

Sometimes I wonder why so many women have shields up at all time, and then I read a story like this and just end up thinking why would any women take down their shields ever? What a creep. Good thing he’s an idiot and got himself caught before he was able to ab$se that poor nanny just trying to look after a kid, but you could tell from the first paragraph he wasn’t going to take no for an answer…

Jakyland wrote:

In the OG post (I have doubts about the supposed actual father), I can't believe so many commenters were talking about age ranges, half age+ 7 etc. The guy is trying to have s#x with someone who is an economically vulnerable position who could feel coerced to date him to keep her job!

Similar-Shame7517 wrote:

See, I believe this is real because Jake sounds like the type who'd brag about everything, and that he posted about it and people agreed with him. Even when people were calling him the AH in his post he just refused their reality and replaced it with his own. He's so delusional he probably thought his friend would be "a real bro" and help him out.

PettyHonestThrowaway wrote:

He’s not even a douche. He’s just a creepy pervert!

TBH, the age thing didn’t exactly bother me. 29 and 41 aren’t that bad. Like she’s almost 30. He’s not in the upper 40s.

So that’s a decade and she’s on the cusp where I stop being concerned about age gaps too much. Power dynamics, yeah, I’d have concerns as everyone in the comments rightfully pointed out. And with everything AFTER the original post, REALLY GROSS. And it sounds like…maybe…he’s lying about everyone’s ages?