'AITA for sending my twin daughters to separate schools?'
"AITA for sending my twin daughters to separate schools?'
ThrowRAtwinsnotclone
I (38M) am the father of two girls, Elsa (5F) and Anna (5F). They're physically identical, to the point where even my parents get them mixed up when we visit, and my wife's parents just call them "the twins."
This is extremely frustrating for me, and I don't think it's healthy for them. There are so many people where we live who see two girls with similar features and decide that makes them the same person, which they are not, and I'm beyond sick of it.
I'm sick of getting two of everything at Christmas and birthdays, even though they have drastically different interests, personalities, and styles. I'm sick of hearing how they're "creepy" or look like dolls, or having my daughters referred to as a "set."
At their pre-K, the teachers always kept them together, and often called them the wrong names, which apparently led to some critical information being attributed to the wrong child.
I'm done with this. They're going into Kindergarten in September, and I'm enrolling them in different schools. They're both private Catholic schools, similar price range, similar prestige, as much as a kindergarten can have prestige.
Elsa has a longer commute in the morning than Anna, but that's the only major inequality here, and honestly, I think the extra fifteen minutes in the car is worth it in order to have my daughters each recognized as individuals at school.
If they're not in the same class, teachers don't know them both, students don't know them both, then my girls will each get the same individual attention as any other kid, rather than half.
My wife thinks I'm setting them up for resentment if one school turns out better than the other, and that I'm being unfair to Elsa by having her commute be longer. I let my daughters choose which school each one wanted to go to, and Elsa chose hers because there's birds on the logo.
I get that ideally, it would be great to send all our kids to the same school, but I also genuinely believe that giving them this experience apart from one another is crucial for their social and emotional development into emotionally stable adults. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Informal_Commando
As someone with a twin sister myself, I totally get where you are coming from. My sister and I were regularly called the twins, called by the wrong name, seen as a set, always had both of us included.
This led to major issues in the differentiation process, when we started wanting to be individuals. We also had a hard time learning how to create social bonds as teenagers/adults.Thankfully my school was clever enough not to put us in the same classroom.
There were tensions because of unequal amount of homework, and friendships, etc. But compared to the times people would confuse us, and not see us as individuals, it was preferable.
There is no right or wrong answer, but it's definitely healthy to give them space, although it might not always be easy. Be prepared to navigate jealousy and comparison because people will compare them anyway. There's a whole branch of psychology specializing in issues twins face, if you're interested.
specialkk77
I’m expecting twins so I’m about to dive down this rabbit hole of twin psychology you mentioned!
Environmental_Art591
Don't have twins but my hubby's cousins are twins and I just want to say, goodluck and remember that the earliest thing you can do to make them feel safe being an individual is separate birthdays and even clothes.
My aunt in law (???) would do denim pants or overalls because denim lasted longer than plain cotton (and are a versatile wardrobe base clothing) but made sure to always let her twin daughters pick out their shoes, shirts and hair accessories. She still brought alot of two of everything but it was always up to the girls if they matched or not.
Just-nosying-around
NTA. If you can arrange that when you drop Anna off in the morning then you also pick her up first as well. This way both girls have a chance to talk to you privately (Elsa in the morning after Anna is dropped off and Anna in the afternoon on the way to pick Elsa up) and it not just one kid having that opportunity everyday.
They might not have anything that they need to say privately or interesting when they are this young but the benefits will manifest when they are older.
Fireblaster2001
NAH. BUT. For future reference it may be worth finding a larger school and enrolling them in separate classrooms. Private schools especially can have wildly asynchronous school year calendars, and you are going to be sad if spring breaks don’t align, random inservice days off school etc.
Not to mention the risk of the kids having music concerts or school plays on the same night, etc. They won’t have any school friends in common so you can look forward to twice the amount of commuting to birthday parties, sleepovers etc.
I applaud you for cherishing their individuality. Other fun stuff like different haircuts, hair color streaks etc can help them help other people see them as individuals.
Kittenn1412
I think what you're doing is a good idea IF-- and only IF-- you're willing to listen to your daughters and change their schools if they ask for it. If one school ends up being better than the other in later years, if your daughters find they want to be at the same school, whatever. Listen to what they voice about the situation after they've tried it. NAH.
EvangelineRain
NAH, though shouldn’t this be a decision you and your wife make together? It would be an easier decision to support if the schools were more tailored to each individual child than a preference over a logo.
I think that traditionally this issue is handled by having the girls in separate classes at the same school, so I think you need a particularly strong reason to deviate from that.
Especially since you haven’t even tried it yet — though I also get that’s a decision you don’t want to be making later, so it’s a now or never type of thing. So, I get it, that’s the reason for my NAH vote.