High school senior feels guilty after telling best friend’s mom about her secret wedding plans. AITA?
"AITA for spoiling my best friend's secret wedding plans?"
My best friend and I are both 18 and seniors in high school. We graduate in May. Her boyfriend is 19 and a freshman in college. They’ve been together for two years, since he was still in high school. I go to a different school, so I don’t know him that well.
I have no issues with him, but I’m not close to him either. Thankfully, she doesn’t make me hang out with them all the time. It’s awkward being the third wheel—they’re super into PDA and touching, and it’s just uncomfortable.
I know they have sex. she lost her virginity to him. I know she’s genuinely in love with him, and he seems to feel the same. They’re cute, even if they’re a little over-the-top for me.
Back in February, she told me they planned to get married right after graduation. They picked a date and wanted to do it secretly at the courthouse without telling anyone. I know they’re obsessed with each other, but I thought it was a terrible idea. He has a part-time job, but not enough to support both of them.
She’s never had a job. She’s going to college in the fall—same school as him, which surprised me. We had always planned to go somewhere together, but she didn’t even tell me she applied. I found out from her mom.
I’m not trying to break them up. I just think rushing into marriage is a huge mistake. She still lives in a bedroom decorated like she’s 10. She told me she wants to have a baby in college, even said it’d be “cute” to walk across the stage pregnant. I don’t think she’s thinking clearly.
I ended up telling my mom, and she called my best friend’s mom right away. Then I had to get on the phone and explain everything. At first, I felt kind of relieved. Her mom was furious.
She told my friend she’d never allow the marriage. Later, I learned she went off on her. Her mom is a good person, but she’s very blunt. I can see her reacting harshly, and my best friend is super sensitive. Her mom told her she couldn’t see her boyfriend anymore, said she was throwing her life away, and even accused the boyfriend of brainwashing her.
Now my best friend hates me. She’s not speaking to me. She said I ruined her life and that I’m just jealous because I’ve never had a boyfriend. That part stung. It’s true I’ve never had one.
Guys have asked me out, just not anyone I’m into. Sometimes I do wonder what it’d be like to have what she has, but I don't think I'm really jealous. I didn’t do this out of jealousy. I wasn’t trying to hurt her.
I feel like I might be the AH because I failed her as a best friend. Maybe I should’ve just supported her even if I didn’t agree. She’s legally an adult now and she can make her own choices. I could’ve kept my opinion to myself and just shown up for her. Instead, I blew up her plans and now I’ve lost her. I basically made all of her happiness get taken away.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. When I was 15, my best friend stole a growler of Wild Turkey whiskey from her dad and drank most of it herself. She passed out; I couldn’t wake her up, and she puked while she was out, and I panicked.
I ran home, and told my mom, who called an ambulance. My friend was taken to the hospital, her stomach was pumped, and her parents sent her to a 45-day rehab. She didn’t speak to me for two years after, and our friendship never recovered. I do not regret a thing. I’d rather have her be alive and still hating me 25 years later than dead at 15, and I swear by that.
NTA. You were right to bring your concerns to your mom, and you were right to be worried about your friend. Her mom might have gone a bit harsh but I don’t think you could predict that. I’m sorry your friend is mad at you though.
NTA. If your friend now can't get married because her mom said so, then she shouldn't be getting married. If she were really the adult some commenters are calling her, she would be able to do what she wants even though her mom disapproves. Your friend's plan was foolish to the point of possibly really messing up her life.
Incidentally, I met my now husband when we were both 17yo seniors in high school. We were all over each other constantly, just like your friend and her bf. Three months after we started dating, I told him, "I think I could be happy with you for the rest of my life."
He said, "I think so too." But we got married SIX YEARS LATER because we had an ounce of sense and caution. We went through a lot in those six years that told us we were actually ready to get married. (Married almost 18 years now.) Waiting was far and away the wiser choice.
NTA. She may be a legal adult but she’s definitely not thinking like one. She needs to hear a voice of reason even if she doesn’t want to. Ultimately it probably won’t change the outcome & when she’s a 19 year old single mother struggling she’ll wish she listened.
NTA. First of all, you didn’t tell her mom, you told YOUR mom. You should be allowed to talk to your own mother about anything. Second, she’s a legal adult, so her mom can yell at her as much as she wants, but she can’t legally stop your former bestie from seeing her boyfriend or marrying him.
A true friend isn’t an enabler. A true friend speaks their mind and helps their friend, even when that’s tough. Maybe your friend doesn’t appreciate that now, but you at least can rest assured you didn’t do anything wrong.