'AITA for not forgiving my fiance for accusing me of cheating?' UPDATED

"AITA for still not forgiving my fiance?"

So I'm 28f and my fiance is 32m. We have be together for 4 years. So for some context he has one child who he had at 16, she lives with my fiance. After he had her, at 20 he got a vasectomy as he didn't want anymore kids. I never really wanted kids, my mindset was if I have one I have one if I don't I don't. So I got pregnant, I told him, and he was pissed as he said I cheated on him.

He threw me out that same day. I was so sad, and lonely I was able to stay with my mother as she believed me, I lost a lot of my friends and got a bad reputation at work, so now I work from home. My mom was able to talk him into doing a DNA test at 18 weeks, he was the father. He was begging me to take him back, and go live with him again and let him make it up to me.

He has been doing very well of doing that he set up a whole nursery, and goes to every doctor appointment, every thing. I really want to forgive him I really really do as he seems like he will make a good father, and his daughter is so excited for her little sister, and she just wants to plan.

All I do is just remember how when I had my morning sickness my mother took care of me not him, how when I needed to go to the hospital my mother took me, not him and he didn't even come to see me. I don't know I've been breaking down so much because of this. I just don't know if I should forgive him and try to put it past us.

My best friend said I should just let the past be the past and focus on the baby. While my mother thinks we should just break up, if I can't forgive him. So AITA for not forgiving him?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions.

howdiedoodie66 wrote:

If I were him, I would have immediately scheduled an appointment with a Dr. to confirm I was still sterile. I assume he never did that in that entire time before the paternity test?

OP responded:

No he did not.

Tricky-Temporary-777 wrote:

This is all about what you are able to forgive. Do not take into account anything else because if you don't let this go, it will ruin the relationship in the long run anyway. He could've easily just asked for a paternity test or got his sperm counted because vasectomies are not 100%. Instead he chose the worse possible option and you had to suffer because of it.

If he would've never gotten the test you will still be with your mother and have a bad reputation. This also shows you that in a big conflict, he has no issues reacting to the highest degree.

Cinnamon0480 wrote:

The past is what brought you to the present. Lion King Quote "Yes, the past can hurt." The biggest problem with fiancé (why isn't he an ex?) is that instead of looking for an explanation because he supposedly loves you, he kicked you out. I don't know if that can really be forgiven and go back to the beginning. I send you a hug and another for your mom, who is a very good woman.

OP responded:

Well one it was easier for this post, and two after he took back the ring, he gave it back, so I don't know, someone said since he gave you back the ring you all are still together,but truly I don't know about that.

mak_zaddy wrote:

INFO: how did this end up impacting your professional reputation? Either way couple’s therapy will help. Whether it’s to help you get past it or learning how to co-parent effectively. Also: even if you don’t stay together, his daughter will always be a big sister. Reassure her that it won’t change anything.

OP responded:

One of my friends he told worked at my work place and she told a lot of people there.

mak_zaddy responded:

Then what is he doing to ensure it is known that he was wrong and you were falsely accused? What is that friend doing to spread the word that it was gossip and they were wrong l?

I hope that friend is no longer a friend.

OP responded:

I mean he told people, I have no clue if they believed him, I'm just going to assume they did. I don't know, and she isn't.

Trekkie63 wrote:

I’d take her to HR.

OP responded:

My HR department sucked, they just gave her a warning.

fish0814 wrote:

Nope. He s**t on you before he had any answers. Immediately assumed you were a cheater. No going back from that.

OP responded:

You know how you understand why someone did it, but it still hurts?

Eleven days later, OP jumped on with an update.

So hello all, I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, I've been tried and dealing with some things. So I forgot to update. So I'm going to address some of the main questions, so one of them was how did he tell your friends, and that was because he had their information due to us planning a wedding, and some of them were mutual.

The second question I got which someone did text me about, was what did my stepdaughter say, for her it was confusing as she had her dad telling her I cheated, so mainly believed him as that's her dad.

Some of you asked how many weeks I was, and I'm 27 weeks, with a baby girl. Also, a lot of people ask, "Do I live there with him?" and it's a no, I live with my mother, but I had stayed at his house some nights. So the update, I had a talk with him, and to summarize it I told him that I do understand, why he was mad upset, and to an certain extent kicked me out.

But I told him what hurt is that he didn't even give me a chance to explain, and you were certain I cheated on you, then you told people without solid proof that I did cheat. We agreed that for now, we will not be together, and maybe later in life, but that we could date or see whoever we wanted. I also gave him back his ring.

We did agree to keep this out of court for now, as I don't want or need his money. I talked to his daughter and told her she could see her sibling when she wanted as well, as long as she at least texted me the day or early the day of. So that's about it. If there are any more questions, I will try to answer them in the comments.

People had a lot to say in response.

LeaveItToTheFates wrote:

As a lawyer, take it to court. You need a LEGAL arrangement of how things are going to work. Please trust me, I've seen so many cases where "we decided to not go down the legal route" and I cannot emphasize how badly most of them went, especially if new partners are introduced. YOU may not want or need his money, but your child DESERVES it.

Put it all away in a college fund, or first house fund if you want, but GET LEGAL CHILD SUPPORT sorted before the baby arrives. Co-operation can quickly turn to manipulation, and distrust. Your former partner has already shown you how he behaves when he thinks you've wronged him, even though he had no proof. He's shown you that he cannot be trusted, please believe him.

mak_zaddy wrote:

This. OP listen to this. Because you’ll be a fool to not protect yourself or your child.

Also child support isn’t about you. It’s about your child. Even if you don’t need the money, have it go into a saving account or trust that she will receive when she becomes an adult.

jimmyb1982 wrote:

Sucks having to go thru your first pregnancy dealing with this situation. Honestly, I don't think I could ever envision a future where I would even consider getting back together at all, let alone later in life. Good luck with your incoming baby girl! Just remember one thing, they grow up INSANELY fast, so enjoy every single moment you can with her!

NewtonianLaws wrote:

Please listen to everyone here telling you to go through the courts for a final decision. It is ESSENTIAL for you to establish paternity in the courts. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to have a court record confirming you are not a cheater. You take him to court because his word means nothing.

You take him to court because he defamed your character and people will not have heard his apology but they will know that courts don’t assign visitation and child support unless paternity has been established.

You go to court so NO ONE can say this child isn’t his and that EVERYONE knows he abandoned you and his child because he didn’t follow up on his vasectomy check ups. I know you’re tired and sad and probably depressed but you are going to be a great mom and please think of going to court as your first momma bear action to protect your child.

OP, some actions are unforgivable. How can you live your life wondering when he will betray you again without talking to you or confirming you were telling the truth? Even if you forgave him, your emotional damage and the damage to your personal and professional reputation will not stay in the past so tell your terrible friend to think about whose side she’s on bc she gave you terrible advice.

Kharos wrote:

Make sure the kid has your last name.

OP responded:

My baby girl's last name will be hyphenated.

TvManiac5 wrote:

So I'm sure I'm gonna get downvoted but I will speak my mind any way. The chances of getting someone pregnant after a vasectomy are extremely small. And most people aren't even aware that it's possible. Doctors certainly don't inform people of it.

And he did make things right when he realized what happened. Sure he could have reacted better but he wasn't unreasonable to doubt based on these circumstances. It feels you should have tried more or at least attempted therapy before breaking up.

It looks like everything got sorted, at least for now.