'AITA for taking my daughter’s college/future savings account after she crashed her dad's car?'
"AITA for taking my daughter’s college/future savings account?"
My late husband and I have 3 kids, Elena (16), Lucas (15), and Elizabeth (10). My husband passed 4 years ago and had a large enough life insurance policy that I was able to pay off the house and had enough left over to nearly triple the kids college funds.
There is enough money in each of their accounts for them to go to a public university debt free or at least 2 years in a private university without scholarships or financial aid. Elena has always had mental health/behavioral issues. She’s been in therapy since she was 4 and until last year was attending an alternative school.
Over the summer, she st-le her dad’s car and crashed it after I said she couldn’t go on vacation with her friend. Luckily she and the people in the other car were okay but my insurance wouldn’t cover the repairs to the other car. Her behavior escalated after that and her therapist and I decided it would be best for everyone if she went to a residential program for kids like her.
She recommended a few places, I got to tour the facilities and speak with the staff and even some students, and I chose what I believe is the best program for us. A couple weeks ago my husband’s parents asked how I was able to afford everything with the car and Elena’s school.
I make about $70k a year in an area where 100k for a family of 4 is considered low income so it’s a fairly valid question. I told them that all of this had to come out of Elena’s savings account. There should still be enough in there for her to go to a community college and transfer to a state school but she’d have to get a job to help pay for her expenses.
They were so upset that I took this all out of Elena’s account. They were saying it’s not my money to give (everything was in my name), that she’s a child and I can’t screw her over for life over a mistake, and that it’s favoritism by only taking from her account and not her siblings.
They asked how she feels about it and I told them she doesn’t know yet and that we will break it to her when she’s doing better in her program. Now they’re even more upset with me and I wanted to know if I was TA.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
capmanor1755 wrote:
Oof NTA! You're handled this beautifully. For oh so many reasons...
Your 16 year old his having a mental health crisis. A college fund will do her zero good if she's so unstable that she can't thrive at college- and if she's struggling in high school that's a real good indication that she'd struggle in college.
Mental health care has to be her priority.
Since each child had a generous fund it's very reasonable to use her fund for her care and leave the other kids with theirs.
You're still leaving her room for community college and even if you couldn't, there's a chance that Elana may continue to struggle and now is the right time to put some boundaries between her needs and her siblings needs. You, not your in-laws, are your children's parents. You alone make parenting decisions.
Your husband's life insurance was left to you, not to his parents. You alone decide how it will be spent.
I'm sorry that they're interfering. I also fear it's likely that they may try to stir up contention with Elena and her siblings down the road.
I would ask her care team for help developing a plan for sharing with her how you've funded her are. I suspect they'll agree to wait until she's stabilized but it would be good to have a therapeutic team behind you. And really, unless her grandparents are in a position to fund her care or fund her college they can stuff it.
OP responded:
I have spoken to her team about breaking the news to her and they’re the ones that recommended that I wait until she’s doing better.
puntacana24 wrote:
NTA - Frankly it’s none of their business how you choose to spend your deceased husband’s life insurance money, and personally I’m quite impressed that you’ve generously given so much of it to your kids. Your decision is perfectly reasonable and you aren’t an AH for it.
RandromGirl42 wrote:
NTA. Firstly, actions like stealing and wrecking cars have consequences, and your in-laws are bloody useless idiots if they "think" 16 is too young to learn that. Secondly, tbh it sounds like Elena probably wouldn't make it to any college without addressing what ever her issues are first, so the program seems a sound investment in her future.
Kami_Sang wrote:
I have a different take - she's a child with mental health issues. If she had a physical health issue would you take the money from her college fund? The answer to this determines if YTA. To me it seems that instead of you trying to figure out the funding you just decided that college would have to be sacrificed and you haven't even told her.
I hope you and all your advisors know what you're doing. If your child wants to go to college, I'm pretty sure when you finally tell her the funds are depleted you'll probably undo any good this step makes. Good luck!
Tdluxon wrote:
INFO- Did your husband's parent contribute to the college fund or did you and your husband provide all of the money?
OP responded:
They contributed $5k. There is still $15k in the account.
QualiaRedux wrote:
I'd have to know the "school," but the majority of them are very expensive scams that don't lead to better outcomes. Honestly, I have to think to myself--if she had cancer, would this be cool? I don't think so.
This is essentially another expense you have related to her mental and behavioral health, and you're already deciding she won't have as much money for the same education her siblings are getting. It's equal, but it's not necessarily equitable. She has more needs.
So soft YTA because chances are, you are sending her to a scam school, and she won't get the same help with education. But the amount of money is so small it's unlikely to make a difference. Those places are expensive, and the fund is very small.