'AITA for telling a couple that I'm not their charity case? They offered to pay for camp.'

"AITA for telling a couple that I'm not their charity case?"

I've been raising my 8yo nephew "Jack" after both his parents passed in 2019. I went from being a 34-year-old bachelor to being a single dad overnight. I don't regret it or anything, but it has and does require a lot of sacrifice. My brother made good money and invested into a house before he passed.

It's being rented at a loss because the rent is less than the mortgage and other costs but it will be worth a fortune when it is paid off. So I'm basically paying for an 8yo and a house I don't even live in. I also have Jack in a private school. This summer Jack wanted to go to a sleepaway camp. It's for six weeks and I could only afford two even though it's a three week minimum. He left last week.

Out of the blue, the camp called me up and said someone wanted to sponsor Jack for the whole summer. I was confused. They said a pair of "angels" heard of my hardship and wanted to help out. I said I wouldn't even consider unless they told me who was paying for it. Eventually they said it was the parents of a boy who is an acquaintance of my son.

They act like they're better than everyone and come from old money. I've heard them say nasty things about the people that they've helped. I reached out to them and said my finances are none of their business and I'm not their charity case. I'm not here to make feel better about themselves. They were taken aback by my response and asked me to think of Jack.

I said your attitude proves my point.

For the record, Jack has a fun summer planned out which includes many playdates and trips with his cousins and his other uncle is taking him to Legoland in a couple weeks. He's not working in the mines this summer.

Not long after posting, OP shared two small edits/clarifications.

Edit: The house was half paid off when I took possession if it. It costs me $400 a month to keep it. I would have lost like 80k before the mortgage is paid off. But the house can easily sell for a million. Why would I sell a house at loss when I can keep it at a loss but then sell it at a gain in 15 years?

Edit: The house is mine. Why shouldn't I be compensated for raising my nephew? So he should get his 250K AND a house whereas I find myself in debt at 53? He's already starting off at an advantage and if I should die then he'd get the house or whatever I have from selling it.

It's a small compensation to have saved him from going to foster care. I'm sure my brother and my nephew would want me to have the house for putting my entire life and future on hold to raise him.

The internet had lots of comments and questions to add.

ironicchef8000 wrote:

I get it. I really do. Everything you said makes sense. However the only person who loses in this scenario is your little nephew. For that, I have to say that you kind of, slightly are. That said, you’re otherwise a saint for everything you’re doing. Very slight, mild, softest possible YTA.

AssistanceOK3699 wrote:

At first I did agree with your point. The fact that Jack wouldn't be able to attend the entirety of the camp sucked. Having "angel donors" literally willing to pay for the rest of the camp but saying no seemed a bit selfish. However the fact that these "angel donors" negatively talk about everyone they help out is an issue.

If you want to help because you can do it, but don't "help" just to talk crap about people who aren't financially where you are. Kids listen to adult conversations all the time and like to repeat. There's no need for OP to potentially put that stress on a child who lost both his parents. Besides he has a summer planned out, he'll be perfectly fine. NTA.

Apart-Scene-9059 wrote:

I was going to call you an AH until:

"I've heard them say nasty things about the people that they've helped."

Then I agree with you. I will not accept money or help from someone who I hear insult previous people they helped.

NTA.

Traditional-Pilot_26 wrote:

Slight slight ESH here, but only because you demanded to know who it was and then confronted them about it.

You could have declined the offer and let it go, keeping knowledge of who offered to yourself.

Now they know the camp told on them, so offers to help other kids in the future might not happen. They may have offered because Jack would be company for their son. But now that you've told them off, Jack has potentially lost a play mate not just for camp, but in general.

They suck for giving in the past and then badmouthing people. Also, you are doing great things for Jack, and that's awesome. But don't turn down every opportunity for help. It's okay to accept things, it's not always because people think you are a charity case.

At the end of the day, you've stood up and been a great parent, and that is fantastic! Don't ever lose that.

However, you have been deprived off a sibling and you and Jake don't get to have the fun uncle relationship. If that merits some charity, take it. 😉

Active-Anteater1884 wrote:

I'm sorry, you sound like a very decent guy, but in this case -- YTA. Your behavior was completely OTT. Other than the camp people using the ridiculous term "angel," I really don't understand why you're so angry.

You have two people who learned that your nephew wanted to go to camp, and that you couldn't afford it. So they try to ANONYMOUSLY pay his tuition. If you didn't want these two paying for your nephew, the correct response would be "No thank you."

You tell them your finances are none of their businesses. Which is completely true. But it's not like these people pulled your credit. They obviously heard your nephew saying he wanted to go to camp, but couldn't afford it. There's no indication that they think you need charity or that they're only doing this to feel better about themselves.

Your behavior was just really inappropriate. And as for these two saying bad things about other people they've helped...I'd really need more info before I work this into the equation. Because frankly, if I spent money trying to help, for example, a recovering addict get back on her feet, only to learn that she's using again...I might say bad things, too.

I'd also like to say this. Your nephew is going to inherit that house, and be on his way to a very comfortable future. Accepting this very generous gift, and having a great time at camp, may make him more likely to do the same for other kids in the future.

ETA: I reread your post. The more deeply I read it, the more I think YTA in this situation. Once the camp official told you the name of the sponsors, you could have simply said "no." Instead you call these people out of the blue (to them) and start running them down.

It wouldn't surprise me if they stopped donating to this camp (the camp official apparently broke their anonymity) and maybe pulled back on their help in general. Because what anonymous benefactor wants to deal with the subject of their largesse v*rbally ab-sing them?

omeomi24 wrote:

YTA because you responded in anger and defensiveness instead of thanking them for the thought while turning down the help. If people brag about the 'good' they do - it doesn't change the good that is done. You can take help offered as an insult - or just as help offered IF YOU WANT IT.

"Thank you, but no" works better than 'how dare you offer'. Why don't you live in the home your brother left - rather than rent it at a loss and (I guess) pay for another property to live in with your nephew? Location?