'AITA for telling a family friend he’s banned from my wedding because of his views on adoption?'
"AITA for telling a family friend he’s banned from my wedding?"
Me (19) and my boyfriend (23) have gotten engaged and have been planning our wedding. We’re very excited and have tried involving both families in the process as much as possible as we both come from big families who are very sentimental.
In our culture, the bride and grooms parents are given the opportunity to choose a handful of their own friends to attend, friends who were there for them when we were growing up (who saw milestones, helped with school, babysat) to essentially just see the wedding as a kind of “full circle moment” And thank you for the input in our lives.
Now the fight started when my mom mentioned she invited some longtime friends. I frowned and told her directly I don’t want them at my wedding. She already had a group of close friends who have been highly involved in both our lives there, could we not just leave this couple out? She got upset and asked me why.
I explained that a few years ago the husband was having a conversation with my father about adoption and step fathers. I was standing with him (I was probably 12 at the time.) And he told my dad.
“I don’t understand how anyone could look after another man’s child or love them as much as their own. They’re just lying. I would never look after a kid that isn’t my own or love them as much as my own sons.”
Now, it’s probably worth mentioning, my dad is my adoptive father. My biological father passed away when I was 2 and my step dad married my mother when I was 5. He’s always been “daddy”. No strings, no titles, no feeling like we weren’t blood. We were family. My dad can also not have biological children, so in his eyes, I was his daughter.
My dad was taken aback at the statement and kind of stepped away. The friend realised he had made a mistake and started brushing it off.
My parents are aware that since then I haven’t liked this guy, so why is it such a big issue that I don’t want him at my wedding?
A place where I’m inviting the closest people to me and who hopefully won’t make me cringe when I look at wedding photos. I relented after constant requests and told her the wife and the kids are welcome to come since I used to babysit them, but if this guy cannot stay at a far table he can’t come.
She huffed and told me what was the point of inviting them if they didn’t sit at her table. I told my mother I’m not paying for heads I don’t like and she called me unreasonable. We currently are snappy with each other and she keeps trying to bring up the topic. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
no_good_namez wrote:
I don’t know what your cultural norms are but in mine, one cannot split married couples at a wedding so your compromise is more offensive than excluding the entire family.
OP responded:
I say culture very loosely. But based on what is normal for the job my parents do and our religion, it is normal to split up couples who do the same job so all the men sit around the table and the women around their own.
ChonkyCorgi01 wrote:
NTA you don’t want to be uncomfortable on a day that should be one of your best days of your life! You don’t want to look back at your wedding and only have grief bc you caved in and let your mom invite someone who said something so blatantly awful. To some degree I take offense to what he says too, because I was adopted too, my parents aren’t my birth parents.
But that never made them any less parents to me. They were there for me and love me as their own. Adoption is not for everyone and that’s okay but for someone who is supposedly close to your family and knows your situation he should have kept his opinion to himself. If your mom can’t understand that, well then she needs a reality check.
delaneyisresilient wrote:
NTA, and honestly? Good on you for standing your ground. This guy literally said your dad—who stepped up and raised you after unimaginable loss, could never truly love you because you’re “not his.” That’s not just a weird opinion, that’s a straight-up insult to your family and the man you consider your real father.
Why on earth should someone like that be welcomed at a day that’s meant to celebrate love, commitment, and the people who showed up for you? Your mom might feel nostalgic about having him there, but being nostalgic doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be rude and dismissive about your reality.
You were 12 and you still remember the moment clearly, because it hurt. And guess what? It should matter. You're not being petty, you're protecting your peace. You even offered a compromise (which you didn’t have to), and your mom still isn't satisfied. Your wedding, your rules. If someone can’t respect your boundaries on your wedding day, they shouldn’t be there. Simple as that.
CuriousTikTaalik wrote:
NTA according to Western culture - your wedding, your day. I can't make a judgement according to your own culture. However, let it go. The guy said something insensitive due to ignorance. He saw your dad's reaction. He apologized. He hasn't done anything to upset you since. You're holding a grudge, and it's eating you up. It's not good for you or your relationship with your mom, and it's not worth it.
SlappySlapsticker wrote:
This really seems like a cultural thing, I've been to weddings in India where the bride and groom didn't really know a bunch of people there, they were friends of their parents etc. That said, who wants someone that will make them uncomfortable at their wedding? NTA for not wanting this person to come to YOUR wedding.