'AITA for telling my boyfriend I don’t want his brother living with us? He's a mooch.' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my boyfriend I don’t want his brother living with us?"
Me (29) and my BF (30) have been dating for 3 years and living together for two. He has an older brother (32) who lives with their friend. He has been living with his friend rent free for about 5 years now. His friend is getting more serious in a relationship and gave my BF’s brother a year to find a new place to stay.
His brother is kind of a jerk, and him and I don’t get along too well but I tolerate him because he is my boyfriend’s brother. He does not have a lot of motivation and currently does not make enough money to live on his own and says he has no savings. His girlfriend also lives with him and she does not work- so they are currently sort of a package deal.
I mentioned to my boyfriend before that I really don’t want his brother to move in with us if he does not find a place by December. We do not have the room, our guest room is directly off of the main living space and we only have one bathroom. (They also have no parents, so parents are not an option).
He says that he will not let his brother be homeless and if he stays with us he would only let him stay for 3 months, but I know it would be longer. If he can’t find a place in a year what will an additional 3 months do. It would be one thing if I got along well with his brother, but his brother constantly makes rude comments and relies on everyone else to help him.
Just this year my boyfriend has given him his old car for free, pays for his car insurance and paid to fix his gaming computer. My boyfriend and I just got into an explosive fight over this and it ended with him basically saying I have no say in this decision and if it comes down to it his brother will live with us.
I have approached this nicely but tried to explain how uncomfortable I would feel. Not to mention his brother works night shifts and sleeps all day, so I will feel like I have to be quiet all day in my house. I don’t think I am being unreasonable expressing my stance on it. I don’t want his brother to be homeless either but I don’t want him to come here. AITA?
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
EDIT: We rent a house, not an apartment. The landlord is a family friend so he will not care about the extra tenants. My name is not on the lease, we just never felt the need to update it. We split bills pretty equally, although he pays a little more because he makes more and I still have student loans to pay. We both work full time and make decent money.
EDIT: I really wasn’t expecting so many responses. thank you so much everyone for validating me and making me not feel crazy. Thank you all for the advice. ❤️ I will update you all, I promise.
The commenters did not hold back one bit.
1RainbowUnicorn wrote:
NTA. Who's home is it? Are you both on the lease? Landlord likely doesn't allow for guests to stay for extended periods of time. Your bf has no right to make that kind off decision without you agreeing. Brother and gf will never leave.
OP responded:
He’s the only one on the lease, he’s had the same lease for a few years and we just didn’t feel it was super necessary to add me on it. His landlord is a family friend so he is not very strict when it comes to these types of things.
Educational-Bid-8421 wrote:
NTA. This should be your hill to die on. You will never get rid of them. What a joke. Hun, id be gone. If u can, RUN. 5 years free rent and has no savings! Think of rent lowball it at one thousand dollars a month. 60 months. Jesus Christmas!
Individual-Bad-4364 wrote:
Well look at it this way you have a few months to find your own living situation away from that dumpster fire. NTA.
Perimentalpause wrote:
NTA. "Here's the situation. I dislike ultimatums, but in this case, I think I have to lay down a very clear option for you. If your brother moves in here, I am moving out. I am not paying for him to be a bum. I am not living with someone that disrespects me."
"I am supposed to be safe and comfortable in my home, and that won't be the case if he's here. Not to mention his gf. And I don't know what delulu potion you've sucked down, but it won't be for 'just' three months. We all know that. He's planning on that. So I am opting to remove myself from what will be a sh--ty situation."
"Tell me now, because then you can insist he pay the rent I won't be paying, and I can look for a new place and you can't say I blindsided you. If I come home one day and he's here with his stuff, I'm packing mine up to go. That's my boundary. I'm not living with your brother."
You really need to be clear about that with him, and you SHOULD want to follow through on it. Home is supposed to be your safe space. It will just become stressful and you guys will break up over him not doing what you need him to do and his brother will always come first. So, think hard about that.
susanbarron33 wrote:
What does he mean you don’t get a say? Are you renting together with both names on the lease? Because you do get a say. Also the apartment manager gets a say. Ask your bf if his brother moved in how will the bills be split? You shouldn’t pay for him. Also will the brothers gf move in too? You should ask around if you can stay somewhere else if your bf actually gets his brother into your place.
RichardKopf wrote:
NTA, but you need to figure out what you can and can't live with. Your bf has already said his brother won't be homeless. That means if it comes down to it, he's moving in whether you like it or not. I'm betting that if you give him an ultimatum, you won't like the outcome.
Historical-You-3372 wrote:
I'm sorry, OP. NTA. And you're about to hit a hard fork in the road. Boyfriend WILL move his brother in, and you need to be clear that WHEN this happens, YOU move out, and any utilities in your name get shut off and and rent obligations in your name get canceled.
Also, if you're renting, that could be in violation of your rent, so be sure to mention that to your BF, then to your Landlord when you leave. I am so sorry.