'AITA for telling my daughter she'd be punished for not sitting in her booster seat? My wife is upset.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my daughter she'd be punished?"

My 35m car is in the shop right now so my wife 35f was giving me a ride to work today and taking our daughter 10f to school. When we got in the car and were about to go when our daughter got out of her booster seat. My wife and I told her to get back in it but she said she wasn't sitting in it, we told her she needed to sit in it and she needed to get in it right now because we had to go.

She raised her voice and said "no I'm not sitting in that stupid booster seat you buttfaces" my wife kept trying to calmly tell her to get back in her booster seat but our daughter kept arguing. I became very irritated because I had to get to work and so did my wife and our daughter had to get to school and this little argument was gonna make everyone late.

So turned to my daughter and told her if she didn't get back in her booster seat she would lose her iPad for 3 days. After this she got back in her booster seat and buckled up. She didn't talk to us and had a grumpy look on her face the whole car ride. After we dropped her off at school my wife expressed how upset she was with me for telling our daughter she'd be punished all on my own.

She said we are BOTH her parents and we need to discuss things on how to deal with her misbehavior together and it's not okay for one of us to just tell her she will be punished. I tried to explain to my wife that I didn't mean to upset her and we needed to get going and that's why i did it, this didn't make my wife feel better.

When I got home from work I tried to see if she had gotten over it but she was still giving me the cold shoulder. I asked if she was still mad and she said of course she still was and did i think anger just evaporated? AITA?

The internet unsurprisingly had thoughts to share.

DesertSong-LaLa wrote:

NTA. But you both need to decide on punishments you can agree on so one of you can deliver it when needed. Consider three levels; mild, medium and big. Sounds like you both are not use to addressing punishments; it gets easier. You wife's extended cold shoulder is odd but work on it. Your assessment and chosen consequence was accurate. Do not compromise safety.

Jmking responded:

Exactly. How would OP's wife handled that situation then? Got out of the car with OP and had a conference about it? Also sometimes parents will be alone with the kids. Are they supposed to call their spouse before discipling the kids?

Parents should be aligned on disciplinary action and trust each other's judgement and would be prepared to back each other up.

They just need to sit down and align on expectations and barriers to trust. I'm surprised this hasn't come up in the last 10 years...

Tortietude0 wrote:

NTA. How has this never been an issue til now? Have you never punished the kid before? Wife needs to calm down, she clearly wasn’t getting anywhere with the gentle parenting.

Secure_Ad_9966 wrote:

NTA, i think, but, Need more info! I'm sorry, I mean no disrespect- but is your daughter abnormally small for her age? I'm in my late 30's and I know times have changed with respect to children and safety, but 10 seems WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY past the age where it's normal to need any kind of car seat/booster. Granted I was 10 more than 25 years ago.

IF she is abnormally small, and she's noticed, nobody else her age still needs a booster seat, while you still insist that she needs one, then her frustration/lashing out might be understandable. In that case, you and your wife may need to do a better job explaining to her why she still needs a booster when nobody else her age does.

After receiving some feedback, OP shared an update.

Update: I talked to my daughter about why she didn't want to sit in her booster seat and she told me she got picked on for it, another kid at her school called her a baby when she saw her getting out of her booster seat when we dropped her off.

I asked her about the kid and she said it was just a girl she sees and talks to sometimes at recess, lunch, and at pickup/ drop off she isn't in her class though.

I asked my daughter if she wanted to be friends with her and she said no she didn't wanna be friends with a bully.

I then told her it doesn't matter what bullies think, bullies just like to be bullies. She confirmed that none of her friends bully her for being in a booster seat and she doesn't see this girl much. So I suggested to her to just ignore b*llies like this girl and focus on her friends who are nice, but I reasured her if the b*llying ever got worse she just has to let us know and we will step in and make it better.

I explained to her that her booster seat is going to keep her safe and that is why she needs to sit in it and that she wouldn't be comfy in the car without it (she wouldn't) that it wasn't us trying to be buttfaces but keep her safe. She said she definitely wanted to be safe.

She apologized for calling us buttfaces and she and I cuddled (this all happened right around her bedtime and we always cuddle for a bit before bedtime ) and we both fell asleep on her bed while cuddling. I woke up later and luckily was able to tuck her in bed, kiss her goodnight and leave without waking her.

My wife is no longer giving me the cold shoulder and is open to communicating with me but there are still some issues we need to work on. Hopefully we will be able to work these out and get on the same page when it comes to parenting our daughter in not to too long. Thank you all for your help!

The comments kept coming.

Prestigious_Cod_8173 wrote:

Wow, 10 in a booster? The rules have really changed since my kids were little, but I get it, safety first. I know 10-year-olds can act on feelings better than explaining them, so maybe ask her why she had that reaction to her seat. Show her why the seat is necessary and how much longer she may have to use it.

Talk about healthy stategies she can use to communicate her frustration. She needs you to model all those things. Believe me, I know it's hard some days to be the adult because we're human and get frustrated too.

Revolutionary_Bag518 wrote:

NTA.

Your wife was getting absolutely nowhere with that child. You can argue with children for literal hours and have it reach nowhere, you need a push and a shove sometimes and your proposed punishment wasn’t even all that bad.

Historical_Carpet262 wrote:

NTA. But also, do you often give a punishment that you won't be the one who has to follow through on? When is iPad time and who is the parent that has to enforce the loss of it?

My dad used to ground us for weeks at a time but was rarely there to enforce it. We pretty quickly learned that they were empty threats because my mom rarely agreed with the punishment for the crime.