'AITA for telling my friend's boyfriend that I am not her best friend?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for telling my friend's boyfriend that I am not her best friend?"

My friend Sophia (28F) is upset at me (27M) for telling her boyfriend Noah that I am not her best friend. I am really lost on what I did wrong, and why I am getting the blame for the fallout. Sofia and I met due to a common friend and have known each other for the last 5 years. Sofia has been a good friend, and we would generally hang out on weekends with the rest of our friends.

Sofia also lived in the same apartment complex as me and we would sometimes hang out at my apartment, along with other friends to watch TV. Sofia started dating Noah around 6 months ago. I noticed that Sofia started messaging me more than normal about random stuff like TV shows, music, etc. around the same time and would send me memes and tiktoks all the time.

She also messaged me if I want to hang out at my place after work during random weekday evenings. I would generally say no, unless more friends wanted to join in. On Saturday night, we were all at my friend's apartment for a party. Sofia and one of my friends left to pick up food and Noah came to me and asked if we can talk for few minutes.

Noah told me that being a guy, I should understand, and he is uncomfortable about my friendship with Sofia. I asked him why and he said that he understands we are best friends, but he is uncomfortable with her always texting me late at night, or hanging out with me at my apartment on nights when he is busy.

He said that he has discussed it with Sofia many times, but she has told him that she will not tolerate him controlling how she behaves with her best friend. He said that he is getting very serious about his relationship with Sofia and if he should know something before, he commits with his whole heart. The truth is Sofia, and I are good friends, but we are not best friends.

She is just one of the 8 girls in my friend group that I hang out with and never have we shared any deep personal secrets about ourselves. I told Noah that he has nothing to worry about. I told him that I would not refer to Sofia as my best friend. In fact, before she started dating Noah, we would barely message each other.

I also told him that I never hang out with Sofia alone, and she only visits my place when other friends are invited. Noah asked me if we ever dated or hooked up in past. I told him that Sofia brought up the subject 5 years ago, but I told her why I would not want to date her, and we never talked about it again.

Noah asked me why Sofia would refer to me as her best friend then, and I told him that I also find that weird, because we are good friends, but definitely not best friends. Noah thanked me for being honest, and the night went on.

Yesterday afternoon, I got a call from Sofia, and she was really mad at me. She asked me what I told Noah, and I told her about our conversation. She told me I was an AH to tell Noah that we are not best friends and how I messed up her relationship.

I told her I did not say anything bad about her, and in fact soothed his concerns that there was anything going on between us. She told me that they had a big fight the night after the party and Noah confronted her about why would call me her best friend and tell him that you are at my apartment alone, when none of those things happened.

She told me that I should have just backed up her story. Seems like they are having a big fight about her lying to him. I feel bad for Sofia as I really feel they both are cute together and Noah really likes her.

Sofia has also told us how much she adores Noah and that they are happy together. It's hard for me to understand why Sofia would lie to Noah that we are best friends, and we hang out alone together when he is busy. Am I wrong to tell Noah that Sofia and I are not best friends and should I have just played along? I am not really sure I even understand why I messed up or what to do at this point.

Commenters did not hold back one bit.

alicat777777 wrote:

Why would she suddenly ramp up your friendship like that? And also tell her bf that you two are hanging out alone? I wonder if she is trying to make him jealous or see if she has a shot with you? Very odd but you did nothing wrong except be honest.

OP responded:

That's what gets me. Sofia has always told us that she adores Noah and they are happy together. I am not sure why she wishes to torpedo her relationship by telling him that I am her best friend and that she is hanging out with me alone, when he is busy.

Unlikely-Shop5114 wrote:

Sounds like she was cheating and using you as an alibi.

JSmith2127 wrote:

She's cheating on him, and using you as a cover. She started messaging you a lot to make it look like you are "besties." She has been telling him she has been doing "bestie" things with you, to cover up where she has really been going, and been with.

Do not feel sorry for her. If I were you I would demand an apology from her, for pulling you into her stuff, and using you to cheat on her boyfriend without your consent or knowledge

NTA.

MamaNyxieUnderfoot wrote:

Frankly, OP should just stop engaging with this person, in general. OP doesn’t even know what other lies she is spreading about him. She’s willing to lie so easily to her boyfriend, there’s no telling what else she is capable of lying about. Confronting and demanding apologies could lead to even worse lies about OP. The correct move is to disengage and limit contact with a liar.

Queenofthekuniverse wrote:

Sounds like she was trying to make him jealous. Kind of a stupid way to do it, but that’s the only thing that makes sense. Unless she was hoping for more from you. In which case she was hoping that you’d step up to the plate. Then again, she probably just needs therapy and you need to cut her out completely because there’s too much that’s hidden behind the scenes.

The next day, OP shared an update.

I posted yesterday about my friend lying to her boyfriend that I was her best guy friend, when in reality, we are just friends and she only started messaging me after she started dating her BF. She adores her boyfriend, and it was confusing to me why she would do that. Turns out Sofia is a genius mastermind and I am scared. Thanks for the responses on helping me think why she might be doing it.

I just wanted to post an update because she came to my apartment and talked to me about the whole situation. She said some unkind things to me on Sunday after I told Noah (her BF) that we were just friends, and definitely not best friends as she is trying to portray me to be. Moreover, I also told him that I never hang out with her alone, and it's generally with a group of friends, as she also lied about this to him.

Yesterday evening, Sofia messaged me to apologize for the outburst and asked if we could meet and she can explain why she did that. I told her ok and she came to my apartment. She told me that she loves Noah, and he is really a good boyfriend. However, he is not very motivated and lazy.

When they started dating, he was not really putting a lot of effort in the relationship, and she had to ask him for everything. It used to bother her a lot. She knew that Noah's last girlfriend cheated on him and it took him two years before he started dating again. Noah was very insecure about dating her and asked her to make sure she shares everything with him.

Sofia said that Noah is a great guy, but she needed him to be a better boyfriend. So, she thought she would make Noah jealous by talking to me. She said it worked and Noah started reading our messages. She knew I would not flirt back with her because I have explicitly told her I am not interested in her, and so she thought I was a safe choice.

She said Noah kept on asking her why she is talking to me so often and she told him that I am her best friend, and she needs the emotional support and stability I provide since Noah is not emotionally available for her. That made Noah start replying to her messages quickly and also being more present in the relationship.

Noah also wasted his evenings playing video games with his friends and ignored her. So, she would message me on those days and ask if she can hang out with me. She lied to Noah that we would just sit in my apartment and watch movies since he was unavailable, and it used to bother him. He asked her to stop, but she told him that he can play his games and she can have a fun evening with me.

Noah repeatedly asked her to cut contact with me or at least not hang out with me alone in my apartment, and eventually stopped playing video games with his friends so he can hang out with her in evenings. She would also lie to him about how I cooked elaborate meals for her, and we had wine and painting nights, which led Noah do the same.

Finally, she told me that I was an AH to not go with her story and tell Noah the truth. Noah, of course got angry at her and saw that it was an act to get to change him. Sofia was so proud of her latest lie. She told Noah that I played down our relationship because I was trying to protect Sofia.

She told him that I am such a great guy and was just trying to make sure that my best friend's relationship was not affected because of me. I told her that I was not really happy being a pawn in her lie. She told me that it was a genius idea and there are no victims. She got what she wanted, and Noah is a much better boyfriend thanks to me.

And she will now show Noah how much she loves him by slowly reducing messages to me (which he would appreciate), while still thinking of me as a threat that Sofia can fall back on if he changes his loving behavior. She pleaded me to just keep quiet for her sake as she is so happy with the way Noah is now. I thought about it and agreed with her.

It feels weird that she is literally training Noah like a lab monkey in behaving the way she wants, but at the end of the day, he seems to have become a better boyfriend thanks to Sofia's plan. I was conflicted on what to do, but I will just go with the act for Sofia's sake as Noah also likes her and there is no reason to mess things up for them.

I would like to hear neutral opinions on if I am wrong with helping Sofia lie to Noah, as it seems like it has made their relationship better and Sofia seems to be happy.

Comments kept trickling in.

InviteAdditional8463 wrote:

Personally I’d tell Noah. He deserves to know. What he decides to do is up to him and her. Either way I’d tell him. If what Sofia says about him being a good BF and all that, they’ll weather the storm and learn how to communicate better. I suspect that Sofia likes how Noah looks and to some extent behaves, but she knows that his behavior isn’t what she wants from a relationship.

OP responded:

I am also conflicted by the same. I told him, and he chose to believe Sofia after that. I personally feel that it is their relationship, and I really do not want to insert myself into the drama. Other reason I decided to let it go is because Sofia is right. There is no victim here. Sofia is happy, Noah is happy, and I am just an NPC in their relationship.

Sad_Hippos wrote:

Her behavior is actually disgusting to me. Clearly her boyfriend's lifestyle is incompatible with hers and instead of communicating her needs to him, she’s tricking him. She got him to completely stop playing games with his friends which I also see as a huge red flag. Girl pick up a book and just read in the same room as him? He has to have his own life.

She’s using you, and it may not effect you, but it’s going to effect him. He already has trust issues from his past relationship, and when he finds out the basis of his relationship now and all the memories they built together is because of a lie?? Omg I couldn’t imagine how terrible that would feel.

Sophia is not ready for a serious relationship if she thinks treating people like this is okay. It might be easier to ignore it because “not your monkeys not your circus” but I couldn’t possibly be friends with someone who willingly manipulates others.

ladivarei wrote:

Sofia is a bad person and you should cut ties.

Get better friends. You are who you surround yourself with.

Straysmom wrote:

A friend wouldn't use another friend for a jealousy scheme. She is not your friend & could have potentially endangered you if her BF was a crazy jealous type. I would drop a person who tried to use me like that.

Not long after posting, he shared two more small updates.

EDIT: After reading the comments, I am inclined to tell Noah the truth. However, I feel he would still choose to believe Sofia over me. Moreover, I am worried he would think I am trying to break them up for my own selfish benefits.

I don't want him to think that I am her best friend who has feelings for her and hence, trying to break them up.

Would you have believed your partner's friend if they came forward and told you this? Won't you think that the friend is just manipulating into breaking you up?

Edit 2: Thanks everyone for your input. I really thought about telling Noah. I have decided not to tell him. I do not have any messages that would prove she is lying. Moreover, I am also scared she might manipulate Noah into believing I am her guy best friend and desperately trying to break them up after Noah told me he wants to be more serious.

I risk losing my friends if they tells that narrative to all my friends. As much as I realize she is playing on Noah's worst insecurities, I do not have a way to tell him without risking a social suicide. Sofia's plan is foolproof and there is no way I can convince Noah without any solid proof. I will, however, avoid her and not reply to her messages and only interact with her in social settings.

The comments kept coming.

clacujo wrote:

You don't have to tell him, but don't play along either. If I were you, I would distance myself from her. No more coming to mine to hang or even replying to her texts. Let someone else in the group host her and talk to her. Also, I would tell her to make sure that he does not come to me asking questions again.

GrimtrixX wrote:

YTA. You're always wrong helping someone lie. He is a better boyfriend, to her standards. He most likely doesn't want to be doing all the stuff he does. And sure, maybe he's a bad boyfriend so they should break up. But if she manipulates him about this what else does she do?

She is manipulating you as well and you don't even see it. The woman is diabolical. Turning someone into what YOU want them to be is not a moral choice. This man doesn't get to be himself. And if himself is lazy and unattentive, then that's who he is an it's not her place to change it.

And what happens if she finds someone else anyway that she doesn't need to manipulate? She will drop him quick. But she got you with this. It's true it isn't your place to tell the boyfriend she is manipulating him. But for me, that's bro code 101 and I'd still tell him so he can make his own choice. Right now, she's making all his choices for him by thinking that he has no choice.

OP responded:

I am not justifying her actions. However, from my perspective, I really do not want to insert myself in their relationship and be the prince in shining armor for Noah. He asked me and I told him the truth. Then he chose to believe Sofia over me.

SquirrelgirlVA responded:

At this point by even remotely agreeing to her plans you are inserting yourself into the relationship. Her actions are basically turning you into "the guy she tells you not to worry about."

In other words, Noah is only acting this way because he thinks that you are trying to bang and/or date his woman. He's likely telling his friends about this. What if they were to decide to confront you or vandalize your stuff?

What if this gets into your friend group and everyone thinks that you're trying to get Sofia to cheat? What if you find someone you want to date and they hear about all of this - they're either going to think that you're cheating with Sofia or think that you're too much drama (since you're agreeing to let someone use you as a way to manipulate another person).

This is incredibly dumb. I would cut ties with her and let the others in your friend group know what she's doing so they can make their own educated decisions about whether or not they want to hang out with her.

You told Noah, he chose to believe a person who is willing to manipulate and deceive in order to get what they want. Should he be a better boyfriend? Sure, assuming that he's actually acting the way she's describing - but if she's willing to do this then there's a strong chance that he may not be as bad as she claims him to be. And if he is, then why waste her time?

Next-Drummer-9280 wrote:

"I would like to hear neutral opinions on if I am wrong with helping Sofia lie to Noah."

You are. She's manipulating the hell out of him and you're letting her. She's not a good person. If you want to be a friend to Noah, tell him the truth about his girlfriend.