'AITA for telling my husband he should marry his SIL since he's simping over her?' UPDATED 2X
"AITAH for telling my husband that he should marry his SIL if he is simping over her like that?"
[Simping = "giving too much attention and affection — whether through gifts, compliments, or acts of service — as a way of seeking validation from someone else."]
I don’t know if my husband is doing this on purpose or if he can’t control himself but he knows that it bothers me and still does it. He thinks the sun shines out of SIL’s butt. Nothing she says or does is wrong. When we visit he would talk about her for 3-4 days afterwards like he is in trance.
We visited last weekend to see the new baby. I swear he was paying more attention to her and the baby than he ever did with me and any of our children. He was complimenting everything from how she looked, how clean the house was, the delicious food. How she even made the bread.
How she remembered our favorite dishes, snacks, deserts. “You are a super woman”. I literally had it with him and said enough a couple of times but he just ignored me and she just giggled all the time and welcomed the compliments.
Now he has been talking about how great and perfect she is since we got home. I had enough so I told him to be with her if he is so in love [not in such kind words]. He looked at me with no expression and said very mature. I broke down and asked why he was doing this knowing that I am completely the opposite of her, to a degree that we aren’t even close.
He knows we are the opposite of each other. I am not little miss perfect. I don’t clean the windows while my infant is sleeping. I don’t cook and clean when I have just given birth and I sure can’t lose my baby weight in 3 weeks.
Why is he so insensitive to my feelings? Even if it is true and I am just jealous and my jealousy is unfounded, isn’t me being hurt and uncomfortable enough for someone who supposed to love me to just stop ?
Notes from OP:
It's his brother's wife.
She’s happily married to her husband and I don’t think she gives my husband a second thought
Here's what people had to say to OP after the initial post:
If you have set that clear boundary and reminded him multiple times that that makes you uncomfortable, and he continues to do so, you are NTA. Its fair for you to be upset after stating multiple times that you don't like him consistently speaking about her like that.
He knows it bothers his wife. He gets his jollies from making her miserable. The worse she feels, the bigger he feels as a man. Stop reacting, OP. Just roll your eyes and walk away. And at least once, just say "maybe it's easy to be super woman when you have an awesome husband. Not all of us are blessed like she is"
Is your husband a jerk to you in other area of your life? Does he compliment you? Do you feel appreciated? Is the household chores even? Does he help with the kids?
Same-Half865 OP responded:
Yes he helps with the kids and we do chores together. But we aren’t as tidy as his brother and sister in law and we work a lot so it is a lot if take outs. But it is on both of us I don’t know why it would be my job to do it alone. If he wants improvement he should have talked to me and we rearrange our lives
What does your brother in law think about your husband simping over his wife? My brother and i would get physical over that kind of behavior. Thats a serious no-go.
Same-Half865 OP responded:
He gets uncomfortable and looks at me. When I asked my husband if he needed a bib because he was drooling my brother in law laughed and told him off
Start fawning all over your brother in law. Lay on the compliments, wow your lawn looks so nice, wish ours looked half as good. Etc etc. lay it on thick girl.
Same-Half865 OP responded:
Many are suggesting this and honestly it feels so good to know he would absolutely hate it but I don’t want to make BIL and SIL uncomfortable. I want revenge without causalities.
Oh maybe when we are home alone however ? Like how beautiful his brother’s blue eyes are or how he always shows love and respect for his wife? how he looks at her like there’s no one else in the room and like he is newly in love with her?
How they still hold hands when they take walks? Or how he kisses her when he thinks nobody is watching? Or tells her how great she is and how he doesn’t deserve her?
Or maybe that he brings her flowers and chocolate all the time? Or goes to sleep in the living room when she has an important day next day and he doesn’t want to disturb her sleep with his snoring? Or that he remembers every anniversary and birthday? Easy! I can do that.
If you have set that clear boundary and reminded him multiple times that that makes you uncomfortable, and he continues to do so, you are NTA. Its fair for you to be upset after stating multiple times that you dont like him consistently speaking about her like that.
Same-Half865 OP responded:
I did. Since I met her I have told him that
Update from OP 3 days later:
So my husband has admitted that he has feelings for SIL. This time I didn’t just relent and move on from our last fight . I wanted to go to the bottom of this. I told him I wasn’t finished with this conversation and that I wanted him to tell me the truth. Yes he wants me to clean and cook more but that wasn’t just it. First he said it was just a crush, a fantasy. Then he said it was feelings.
He didn’t understand why I was upset. I asked him to tell me his private feelings. He didn’t volunteer them. Nobody knows what people really feel and even married people can have crushes and feelings about others. They were just that. Private feelings.
Except he does actually act on them. Maybe he thinks that physical cheating is the only way people act on feelings but he is wrong. In fact he acted on them so blatantly that it set the red flags off. He promised that he will be better and never hurt me again.
The question is will he be better in getting rid of his feelings or learn how to hide them better next time? And what difference does it make to me? If he is respectful and loving on the outside, do I have a right to control his inside too? How do we know where our boundaries end and theirs start? How do I move on?
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Well he likes your SIL. I guess for him to "get over" his crush, he should create some distance between himself and sil but does he actually want to? Does he have a problem with this crush? Because if he's fine with the way things are, you gotta start packing up. If he's genuinely remorseful then I understand but if he's fine with it then you shouldn't stay with him.
There is no crush to get over. It’s worse. He thinks there is something “better” out there for him than what he has. If he gets “over this crush “ something or someone else will make him question what he has. Honestly, dump his a$#. If he can’t appreciate you then appreciate yourself.
You can't police his thoughts. But you can choose to not be with a man who doesn't love you.
Same-Half865 OP responded:
Exactly what I was thinking. If I can’t police his feelings (or anybody’s really) without stepping on his boundaries then shouldn’t I be with someone whose feelings are in the right place?
My husband developed a crush for someone at work. The second he realized it he told me about it. He then also told me the steps he would take to make sure there was distance. I was so appreciative he was honest and we worked through it!
Turns out she was a lesbian in a loving relationship about to have a baby with her wife so the problem ultimately solved itself, lol, but I think he ABSOLUTELY handled it the best possible way.
Same-Half865 OP said this:
Tbh, I havent decided if I want to stay in this marriage or not. This is all happening too fast and I am not sure if I want to stay with him.
Update from OP in a comment 7 days after the last post:
No! I am leaving him. Plenty of fish to waste my life on canned tuna (in water not oil).
Responses to the last comments:
ExtensionFun7772 says:
I’m glad you’re putting yourself first and respecting yourself but I’m sorry you have to go through this pain. Please reconsider telling BIL. Now that your STBX doesn’t have to pretend anymore he may become bolder with his SIL and BIL deserves to know that his brother isn’t to be trusted.
You said previously that SIL probably doesn’t think twice about your STBX, so she also deserves to be warned so she isn’t put in an uncomfortable position.
Same-Half865 OP responded:
Def telling the bil.
Sending you all the strength to get through that. I know it wasn’t easy to come to that decision and it will be a hard conversation but you’ve got this