'AITA for telling my sister not to come to my wedding?'
"AITA for telling my sister not to come to my wedding?"
AnonAnon1801
I've never posted before so sorry if this isn't formatted correctly.
A bit of background: my sister (25) has always been a bit unkind to me (23), including physical attacks in the past.
My mum to this day will blame it on her being 'autistic', but this has never been diagnosed. This has caused me to not feel very close to her and has put strain on my relationship with my mum also.
I'm getting married on Friday, we're eloping with 2 witnesses (friends, no family) and then having a very small celebratory meal afterwards, which my sister was originally invited to.
Since I told my sister I've been getting married, she's made some horrible remarks, telling me we're going to break up anyway, that she's upset that I'm doing it first and that she doesn't feel special enough on our day. I don't feel that she's done anything to celebrate with me or be there for me and she's made some unkind 'jokes' about my fiance.
I've done what I can, offered her to come to dress fittings, said we can have special shopping trips and even went out to get her a dress for the meal, which I loaned her the money for. She called me a "bridezilla" when I asked her not to wear fishnet tights with it. I've brushed off every comment and dig until my last dress fitting.
At this time, she'd not helped with or attended a single thing regarding my wedding. I'd invited her to the fitting and she said she would come but then decided to spend time with her boyfriend instead, claiming she'd confused the dates.
She later admitted to lying about this. This felt like the final straw and I asked her not to come. She called me cruel and said I was harsh over text and my parents have tried to stay out of it.
As my wedding has approached, my sister and mum are both telling me how sad she is that she can't come, how much it hurts and how much she's trying to be a better sister.
My mum told me to stop "punishing" my sister, I told her I didn't feel I was, more just trying to set boundaries with someone I felt was being selfish. My dad told me the other day that my mum asked him to join in but he refused. He said it was my choice and my mum said "well don't tell her that".
I'm not great at putting my feelings before my family's. There have been many occasions that my sister has ruined in the past (birthdays, graduations etc) and I've turned the other cheek, but am I being harsh with this?
I'm trying to set boundaries for the first time and not let her 'autism' and 'struggle with communication' be an excuse - its hard to know if I've taken it too far.
Am I the AH? Thank you for reading.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
RazzmatazzOk9463
NTA. Sounds like your mum is pushing to be uninvited too . . . Sounds like your mum is a bad patent anyway if she has “self” diagnosed your daughter. Proper diagnoses would allow her to have access to the medication and help she needs. Your mum may just be looking for easy excuses for her bad parenting (my mum did the exact same thing with my brother)
pottersquash
NTA. But notice this would've been avoided if you would've put your feet down earlier and just disconnected her from planning and just gave her a date to show up.
Maybe, she would've found some other way of ruining things, but trying dance around the issue of her behavior only let it grow till the nuclear option was all that was left, and that is what everyone is uspet with. Delaying a boundary often makes the situation worse not better. Just something to remember for future.
AnonAnon1801 (OP)
You're absolutely right with this one. If I'm honest, I regret inviting her in the first place but did it to keep the peace, won't be making that mistake again!
dryadduinath
NTA. As far as I can tell, the only thing that can be confirmed about your sister is that she’s mean. If she’s sad, that’s a consequence of her actions, and if she’s trying to be a better sister she should have started sooner. Regardless, you are the one who decides if your sister is invited to your wedding.
hubertburnette
NTA. Your sister and mother are AH. Your mother is an AH because, if she really believes your sister is autistic, she should have long ago worked with professionals. It's a condition, not an excuse.
Whatever your sister's situation is, your mother isn't helping, and is probably making it worse. Second, your sister has ruined your celebrations in the past; she's already indicated she intends to ruin this one.
Ok_Storm1343
Speaking as someone that didn't allow her sister to attend her wedding, absolutely NTA. Actions have consequences. It isn't your responsibility to teach her this, she's learning the hard way.
womanmmeow
You’re not wrong for setting boundaries. Your wedding is about you and your partner, not catering to someone who has constantly hurt you. Protect your peace—you deserve to enjoy your day without drama. NTA.
pukui7
NTA. Your sister has proven herself toxic. If she's capable of redemption, your wedding celebration is not the appropriate venue for this to be the first, second or even third test. She cannot be trusted yet, and you don't need the drama. If she is serious about doing better, she can start by taking her lumps with grace.
mfruitfly
Now, you need to be very firm that your sister isn't invited, and if she shows up, she will be asked to leave. I would tell your dad that, maybe your mom. Your sister has trampled on a lot of your special moments, she doesn't get to ruin this one too.
Tell your Mom- and Dad- that if your sister truly feels bad and wants to be "better" then she will appreciate how HER actions have resulted in her not being invited, and she would understand why she isn't invited, and would be happy to meet for coffee/lunch AFTER your wedding to start mending the relationship.