'AITA for telling my sister she’s the reason her kids don’t want to come around?'
"AITA for telling my sister she’s the reason her kids don’t want to come around?"
I 48 F have 4 kids. I have a daughter Kaylee who's about to graduate highschool, two sons in college and my oldest son Jerry who has been living with me since he graduated college a year ago.
My sister Sarah 50F has three kids, a daughter in highschool a son in college and a son who's getting his masters.
My sister told her kids that as soon as they graduate highschool they have to pay rent in college in they want to keep their rooms. I told her she shouldn't do that because it would drive them away. She told me that this is the way she wants to parent and I should respect that.
Yesterday Me, Sarah and my youngest sister, Jen went shopping to catch up and hang out. While at the store I grabbed four baskets to make Halloween baskets for my kids. I gave them each a mug, a blanket and candy and a gift card. Sarah asked why I was getting that. I told her I seen on social media people make these baskets and I wanted to make some for my kids.
Jen also got the things to make some for her kids. Sarah said that was completely unnecessary and we should stop babying our kids. I just told her I like doing nice things for my kids. You could tell that kind of made her mad, but we continued to shop.
Later Sarah came over for dinner. Jerry is a really good cook so not only does he do most of the cooking he also pays for all the groceries. While we were sitting in the living room my sister said when is he going to move out. I told her whenever he's ready. She said he should at least be paying bills.
I said no, my goal as a mother is to ensure my child succeeds in life. He's been saving up money to buy a house and I refuse to accept rent because that means it would take him longer to reach his goal. I explained that I don't even want him to pay for groceries but I physically can't stop him from doing that.
She scoffed but just ignored it. But what set me off is when both Jerry and Kaylee was passing through the living room I told them hurry up and write their Christmas list because I know some early sales are about to start.
Sarah said that I'm ridiculous and I'm not being a good parent because I refuse to unleash my children. She said they are too grown for Christmas list. She said I'm raising lousy and lazy kids.
Jerry told her to cool out, but I hurried and chimed in. I told her I'm a way better parent than her. I told her my kids are far from lazy. I had a son graduate salutatorian, my daughter is in the top ten percent of her class. My oldest son has a fantastic job. I told her to ask herself why does her children barely come to see you?
It's because they hate you. I asked her what good mom expects their kids to pay rent and go to school. I told her she was the definition of a shitty parent, and she shouldn't have had kids if she was going to treat them like crap once they turned 18.
She just hurried and left the house. Later that night Sarah in the group chat includes all my siblings and my mom. Sarah said her side, I shared my side. Jen told Sarah she was in the wrong and that I have nothing to apologize for.
My Mom told Sarah that it was unfair to comment on someone's parenting styles, when she hates when the same is done to her. Sarah just left the group chat. I just feel really bad about what I said and think I should apologize for being to harsh. AITA?
From OP in the comments:
I didn’t want to make this long and put unnecessary information. But her daughter posted on social media that she literally hates her mom. The whole family seen it. We just didn’t say anything because we know how Sarah gets. I didn’t pull that out of thin air.
And I never said that my kids are better. Sarah called my kids lazy and lousy. I just explained things that debunked what she said. Sarah also has great kids. Her daughter is a fantastic cheerleader. Her middle child got into a really great college and her oldest is getting their masters. Never once would I tear down my nieces and nephews
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. She was constantly giving you unsolicited advice and opinions on your parenting style. It seems like you handled it with grace until she confronted your kids. I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. All you did was stick up for yourself.
Agreed. But Sarah is also a hypocrite. She doesn't want anybody to comment about her üare ting yet she does the exact same thing constantly until someone understandably explodes. And then she plays the victim and cries for Support. Sarah is indeed the epitome of a shit mother but also of a shitty person/sister. Good riddance.
Prefacing the fact that you stay out of each other's parenting business by recounting your unsolicited judgement about how she parents? Huh?
EqualAd2434 OP responded:
Yes, because that was the first time it was issue.
So you're saying you started all of this.
EqualAd2434 OP responded:
I’m confused on how you got there. I made one comment 6 years ago. Minded my business since then saying nothing about her parenting. So I started this 6 years ago?
Yes.
YTA. She did it first. She probably even deserved it. You might even be objectively right.
Doesn’t matter. Telling someone they’re a bad parent is a hurtful thing to do and you shouldn’t have stooped to her level. I’m sure you taught your kids that two wrongs don’t make a right and this is an example of that.
It wasn’t self defence. It wasn’t to protect her kids. It was lashing out to hurt her because you were hurt. She’s an AH too, much more of one, but that doesn’t excuse your behaviour. You know you shouldn’t have said it and that’s why you’re here.
EqualAd2434 OP responded:
I 100% taught my kids that two wrongs make a right. A kid hit you, you hit them back harder. That’s my feeling. You’re right I’m here because I felt like I was too harsh. But I wasn’t going to let her walk over me.
"She told me this is the way she wants to parent and I should respect that." So....everybody should only respect her way of parenting....but she doesn't have to respect anybody else's? Yeah, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sarah needed that reality check. NTA