Family intervenes after husband’s shocking outburst during vacation; he plans their move. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my sister to leave her husband?"
My sister(28) is in an emotionally abusive marriage and she has admitted that to me. I’ve played nice to her husband(30) for the past few years even though I knew how he truly was to her behind closed doors.
The “incident” that happened that finally made me and my whole family step up and say something to him and her was this. We went on a week long family trip and at the end of that trip he treated her so badly.
There was a theater room in the rental house and we were all watching a movie. He asked her to get up from her comfortable chair to go and cuddle with him. She declined because her chair was more comfortable than his and she was in front of her entire family and didn’t want to cuddle.
The entire next day after the “cuddling incident” he stonewalled her. He would hold their 11 month old son and not let her have him even when the baby called out for his mama. After lunch we decided to walk along a boardwalk and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
During the car ride (none of the family was in the car with them) he said “he didn’t know what was wrong with her” and that he was going to go home when we all got back to the rental. Then he finished with a “eff you”.
My sister said she didn’t say anything back to him 1. Because she was in shock and 2. Because she didn’t know what she did to make him so angry. My family naturally saw how upset my sister was and stepped in. My mom and I took the baby from him and took my sister aside while my dad and my husband had a talk with him.
My dad told him he was acting like a little b-word and to go home if he was going to act like that. My husband said let’s go get the car seat out of your car and you can leave. He then opened up to my husband and said “when she refused to cuddle with me it made me feel like she was disgusted by me.”
He decided not to go home after all and instead have an adult conversation with my sister where he told her it was her fault that he acted that way. He continued to stonewall her for the rest of the trip and the next 2 days after they got back home.
Before we left the rental I told my sister she should leave him because we are all afraid that he will turn physically abusive toward her and maybe their son too. He’s highly unstable and has guns because he’s a cop. Also he’s in mandatory therapy from his work because they too think he’s unstable.
Note: A few things I forgot to mention. This happened a few weeks ago and my sister and BIL have since had a discussion. She has decided to stay with him but she is looking for a therapist for herself. She asked him to go to couples counseling but he refused.
He got a job in a different state and is now going to be moving them a few states away from everyone. She will be at least 6 hours away and we are all so scared for her but we can’t force her to leave him.
Update: My sister sat down with him and told him that she was looking for a therapist and that she was unsure about the move. He seems to think it’s because of her anxiety about it being such a big move and nothing more.
He did tell her that he could look for a job in our state if she really wanted it. But she decided she wanted to focus on going to therapy first to learn how to communicate better with him.
She found a therapist and was emailing with them to set up an appointment when her husband suddenly decided they need to get their house listed. I feel like he deliberately waited for her to find a therapist to do this.
He doesn’t know when his new job starts. He is scheduled to go back to police academy for 6 months starting in June. Which means they really wouldn’t be moving until probably around mid to late May; so why would they need to list their house right now?
Like I said it seemed very calculated and deliberate to stop her from going to therapy and it worked. I feel like I have done everything I can for my sister at this time. She knows if she ever needs anything I will be there but that’s all I can do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
The husband’s a walking red flag parade, and the sister needs to run, not walk away. Emotional abuse, gaslighting, and weaponizing his feelings? Pathetic. Y’all are not the problem, he is. She deserves better than a man-baby with a badge and a victim complex.
You have to be completely dangerous before your employer steps in with mandatory therapy. Don't just tell your sister to leave, tell her to come and stay with you and bring the baby. Keep telling her over and over. She needs to go to therapy as well.
hyperashley (OP)
I’ve told her repeatedly that she(and baby) have a room at my house. And I’ve also encouraged her to go to therapy.
He's an abuser and he's in the process of isolating her. He want's more control over her so he has to separate her from her only support system. For him to act like around her whole family, he has to totally be comfortable mentally abusing her. The physical abuse has either already started and she's just keeping quiet about it or it will start after the move. She needs to get into therapy now. NTA.
That's the way to be supportive. She knows she has a place to run to. Maybe suggest you come and stay with you for a week with the baby. Then she can see how much better it is without him. My sister only left her husband because my brother kept saying she could stay with him. My mother told her no (which I never forgave her for).
Almost two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Since my sister decided to not go to therapy I have noticed some changes. For one thing, when I went to their house last weekend I noticed that my BIL now parks behind my sisters car blocking her in. He never used to park his truck there so I thought it was weird that he suddenly started.
My sister now acts as if the big “incident” never happened, just like her husband does. She did ask my mom and I to not bring it up anymore and to “play nice”. She really wants to make the marriage work and wants to quote “give him another chance.”
Obviously the rest of the family feels a little disappointed and very scared for her. I have since had to tell our mom to not call me and rant about my sister anymore. The stress of that situation was taking me to a dark place mentally and I will not go there again.
Especially for someone that is clearly not ready. My mom seemed a little disappointed in me for prioritizing my own mental health over my sisters but she’ll just have to deal with that.
I have my own husband and life to put my energy in and I feel much happier not thinking about my sisters relationship all the time. My own therapist has reassured me that I have done everything that I can and that my sister just isn’t ready to leave her husband yet.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Never TA honey! You are wise to prioritize your own mental health.
Huge hugs and healing strength coming your way.
Definitely NTA. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. The only thing you can do now is be there for her if/when she decides to leave. Good luck and I hope she does leave soon.