'AITA for telling my son that I'm not his piggy bank?'
"AITA for telling my son that I'm not his piggy bank?"
Far_Brother_7160
My 35-year-old son (we'll call him Willy) just called me a few hours ago. Willy has never been financially smart, despite excelling in school, and despite landing a stable job in engineering, he still lives paycheck to paycheck.
I have tried sitting down with him repeatedly to go over what to cut from his budget, but he insists that "everything is essential," and we usually end up getting into an argument.
Well, Willy must be acting extremely irresponsible now because he called practically begging me for money to cover his expenses. He tried to guilt trip me, saying stuff like "I'm your only son" and "things are harder nowadays."
I explained to Willy that it was awfully rich to hear him grovel, since he had every opportunity to improve his financial situation and chose not to. I asked him if he thought it felt good to be ignored by him every time we pored over his budget. Willy didn't respond because he knew that I was right, and instead he hung up on me.
If he calls back, I'll tell him right away he won't get one cent from me. I can't even imagine hanging up on a parent mid-sentence. The disrespect that shows is amazing.
Besides, while it's true that my wife and I have managed to live in a nice single-family home in the suburbs for many years, it's not like we have a ton of money left at the end of every month.
We live extremely modestly, only going on one vacation per quarter. Several of our friends are digital nomads and essentially travel full-time, and if we made their kind of money, perhaps we could too.
When I called my wife and told her what happened, she said that we could spare "a few bucks" to help Willy out. I became really frustrated with her and told her to toughen up.
Willy is the type of person who spends whatever extra money he has, and he has all sorts of strange piercings and disgusting tattoos to prove it. One of his arms is almost completely covered at this point, and it honestly shocks me every time he comes home for a visit.
My wife got huffy and hung up on me, too, and now both my son and my wife are giving me attitude. I seriously don't think my point of view is that crazy. We only gross about 200k per year, and the taxes we pay wipe out a huge chunk of that.
It can be a struggle even for us in today's economy. I just don't know how to help people who refuse to help themselves, and Willy's entitlement makes me sick and ashamed that I'm his father. I don't know what else to do. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ironchef8000
"he has all sorts of strange piercings and disgusting tattoos"
Are you disgusted by him having tattoos or by their contents/message? You come across as extremely judgmental and sanctimonious. Granted, some of it is justified. But this is your child. Who raised him? You did.
You also left out any detail about his actual income or budget. Maybe he is struggling to make ends meet or maybe he’s financially irresponsible. We can’t say because you didn’t tell us. ESH.
jelly_wishes
ESH. Your son for being irresponsible and having to beg his parents at 35, and you for saying that living on 200k and "only going on vacation once a quarter" is "extremely modest". LMAO. Both you and your son should get a grip.
themajorfall
You're NTA for not giving your wasteful engineer son money, but I do feel the need to inform you that since you gross over $200,000 a year and go on four vacations a year while owning a house, you're rich.
I understand that it doesn't feel that way, because you're surrounded by people who are richer than you, but again, you get to go on four vacations a year, you don't live "extremely modestly" like you claim.
AwareReveal803
You're kinda the AH, but not for the reason you're asking. You can obviously afford to help your son out. You know it, your wife knows it, your son knows it, and now all of reddit knows it.
You aren’t fooling anybody. That’s why your wife is upset with you. Stop trying to act like you're broke because you "only vacation 4 times a year". You sound like the cheapest man on the planet. That being said, do not give your son anything. He's 35 and irresponsible, he's never going to learn financial literacy if you keep funding him. That's not you being mean.
That's you saying, "I've funded your behavior for 35 years and it's hurt you, and damaged your growth. Now I need to be the adult and do something difficult by cutting you off even though it's going to hurt me and my wife".
The smarter thing to do would be to begin putting the money you want to give to your son in an account that he will inherit after you pass. This way you're are still leaving him something, but forcing him to learn financial responsibility in the present.
milkywayrealestate
I was ready to say NTA until you mentioned the tattoos. Self expression is not a moral identifier. Also, extremely modest and one vacation per quarter sounds crazy to me as someone who can't afford to go on vacation period. I still say ESH. Being irresponsible with money is a real problem, but you could stand to be less judgemental.
Substantial_Ad_2368
At this point you just have to draw a line and say no. I’d understand if he wasn’t making a lot of money but if he’s working in engineering he should have no issues covering anything. clearly he doesn’t understand the difference between a want and a need to the point where he thinks he needs everything he wants.
I would give him a call and let him know that from here on out, he can not reach out for you for financial help unless it’s a serious emergency where helping out would be warranted. Hope this helps.