'AITA for uninviting a girl from my boyfriend's birthday party without him knowing?' UPDATED 2X

There are words you simply can't unsay.

"AITA for uninviting a girl from my boyfriend's birthday party without him knowing?"

My boyfriend (M28) and I (F27) have been together for 8 years and are in a pretty serious relationship. Recently my boyfriend joined a new course where he is getting extra training to be suitable for a job role he has applied for. He has been talking about this girl (F22) in his class.

He says she is quite but kind and has anxiety issues and was talking about an incident where she ended up crying in front of the whole class while presenting. Apparently, after that incident my boyfriend approached her and offered her help before the next presentation.

So since then they have been working together and my boyfriend mentions several times that he feels something is wrong with her as in she would constantly shake, would not sit next to him, would startle really easily. My boyfriend told me how she finally confided in him.

She told him she was r*p*d by her brother when she was young and when she told her family they never believed her, so the ab#se continued for years until she ran away from home. I felt sorry for her, but I found it weird that she told my boyfriend all that information as if she was trauma dumping. For the next couple of days, my boyfriend became more close to her.

He invited her to the house to work there. I admit, she is a beautiful girl. When my boyfriend introduced us she started being weird and complimented a lot. Like a lot. Saying things like "You are more beautiful then what he describes" and "He is so lucky to have you." I found that very weird from her. Two weeks ago we were planning his birthday party and my boyfriend decided to invite her too.

I told him it was a bad idea and that she could end up having a panic attack at the party which will make everything awkward. He didn't listen and he invited her. Few days before the party she calls my boyfriend and I pick up the phone because he was in the shower. She said she called to ask what the dress code was and that she was excited for the party.

I told her then that I think it was best she doesn't come and that it will only cause awkwardness if she ends up having a panic attack. I told her that I found it weird that she was getting so close to him and telling him information that normal people would think twice before telling anyone.

I told her (which I am not proud of) that just because she was r*p*d doesn't mean she can get away with acting for attention. I admit I was harsh, but she was acting cute and innocent. She apologized and cut the call and didn't come to the party. Now I feel bad, because my boyfriend recently told me how she stopped talking to him and that she hardly stays in class anymore.

He said he saw her crying that day and when he approached she didn't say anything and walked off. He said he is scared he may have done something to upset her. I don't think I did anything wrong, I just think I was harsh but she needed to know she was crossing her line. I'm more upset that my boyfriend thinks he did something wrong. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

YTA. What you did was sneaky and appalling and mean and dishonest and hurtful and selfish and unsympathetic and cold. You went behind his back to disinvite his friend on some pretext. But you don't fool me. You did it out of jealousy. Pure and simple.

You wanted to hurt the woman for getting some crumbs of attention from your BF who you can't bear to share. To frighten her off. Well congratulations, you succeeded.

I hope he dumps some sense into you.

Fickle-Ad1363 wrote:

YTA - you are jealous! And instead of talking to your boyfriend about your insecurities you further traumatized a poor girl who was finally able to open up to someone. Let’s be honest you already now what you did was an AH move or you wouldn’t keep it a secret from your boyfriend.

If you have even one shred of empathy in you, you will tell him the truth and apologize to that girl for the hurtful things you said.

Devilsinthedetail wrote:

YTA 100%. I'm honestly surprised you even have to ask. By the sound of it, you were jealous that he made a friend and then used the trauma she told him (she didn't even tell you!) against her to suit your own agenda. Wow. Suggestion - tell your boyfriend what you did ASAP so he can at least understand why she stopped talking to him.

anaisaknits wrote:

You sound like a very insecure individual. Everything you said about her, nothing is wrong with her. She needed a friend and she found one to confide in. You took her and basically ran over her with a mac truck to make yourself feel better.

How dare you think that anything that you said was appropriate? How dare you assume that what you did was okay? YTA tenfold. He needs to find out so he can dump you.

A few months later, OP shared an update.

I (27F) have ruined my 8 year relationship with my compassionate boyfriend (M28) by being petty to one of his friends. I posted a couple of months ago and received so much hate. I was rude to one of my boyfriends lady friend who was a victim of child r*pe. I won't go into details but I was worried my bf will leave me for her because of how nice he was to her.

I am not a bad person but I was called all sorts of name by people. I admitted in the post I was harsh on the girl but didn't think my post will end up in Am I the devil forum. I told my bf the truth of why his friend wasn't talking to him and his reaction broke me. He started crying and saying how I could be so cruel to her and him.

He said he was only helping her because he aunt was also a victim who suffered all her life till she decided to stop fighting. He said he could never and would never think of leaving me for another woman because he loved me a lot. I cried with him and told him how sorry I was and I wanted to apologize to the girl. He said she has left, hasn't come back and no one knows where she is.

He said he tried calling her but her number comes as invalid, he said he tried asking around and no one knows where she is. He is afraid for her and now so am I. I am scared that girl might have done something to herself and I can't live with that. My bf has since said he wants a break and called me yesterday and told me he wants to break up.

He said if after 8 year relationship I can't trust him then I never can. He told me he was planning to propose me on my 28th birthday but he thinks there is no point in moving this relationship forward. I am heartbroken and have tried to reason with him and begging him for a second chance. But he said he can't be with me anymore and can't look at me with love.

I am heartbroken and shattered. I ruined my relationship, possibly have caused an innocent person to fall in harm and I can never live with that. I feel guilty and angry at myself for getting my feelings in the way. I wish I could find that girl and apologize and I wish my bf changes his mind but both seem unlikely atm.

My mum is trying to console me but my sis is being harsh and telling me the only one to blame here is me. I don't know who to talk to because I know the reaction will be the same everywhere and everyone will have the same judgment. I wish I could turn around time and change things.

The internet responded with urgency.

bowserspeaks97 wrote:

I remember this story…

OP, I’m sorry but your sister is right. You are the only one to blame. We all make mistakes, but you used someone’s trauma against them.

That’s not okay. It’s not a mistake, that was a decision primed off of your lack of respect and jealousy for your boyfriend and his friend. Ultimately, you know what you did is bad — and you at least admitted it. But here is my question to you: How did your sister calling you out truly make you feel?

Because from my standpoint as a professional in developmental psychology, I question your sincerity…

"my mum is trying to console me but my sis is being harsh and telling me the only one to blame here is me"

This remark comes off as if you’re upset with the fact that your sister doesn’t have your back on this matter; but more than that, that you think she’s being overly rude to you for saying something valid.

My opinion is that the only reason that you’d be mad at her for this is because deep down, you are still trying to rationalize what you did or that you don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Someone who’s genuinely sorry will own up to their mistake and not become combative or upset when they are called out by friends, family, or loved ones when they’ve done something wrong and hurtful to someone else.

And in this situation, it’s not a very good look for you to be finding something or someone to be mad at for YOUR actions…

That one sentence makes me think that you are more sorry that you caused your boyfriend to leave you than being sorry for hurting someone really bad.

SuperOrange2430 wrote:

Bloody hell I remember your post and it was pretty obnoxious what you did. I won't say anything other than that you had it coming. What you did was beyond vile and now I am afraid for the girl too.

I feel worse for your bf though, one way or another he may feel guilty as well. The only thing you can do is learn from your behaviour and learn to control your emotions. One can only wonder if you will ever find someone like your bf again.

Helpful_Hour1984 wrote:

What is it that you expect readers of this post to say? That it's ok? That you didn't mean to cause any harm, therefore you can absolve yourself of the guilt? That's not how it goes. Life isn't that easy. You can wallow in self pity, grasping at straws to try to make yourself feel better. Or you can actually try to fix the mess you created. Find this girl and apologize. Offer her help.

Encourage her to lean on your ex boyfriend, since she seemed comfortable opening up to him before you stepped in. Find some trauma counselling services and put her in touch. Don't just whine and wish things were different, but take action and change them. Be better.

unnusual_art wrote:

I hate women who want their men to NOT be nice to other women.

It's so backwards and stupid. The man showed compassion and kindness and you countered it with foolishness. Now you're reaping your rewards for that. I do not feel bad for you.

A few months later, OP shared another update.

No I am not a troll. No I don't want attention and yes I keep coming back here because this is the only place where I can stay anonymous and can get response from people without knowing them or knowing me. So, I tried again. I started searching for her, and I left a message for my ex bf to help me look for her but he doesn't have to. He however decided to help me.

He said he left a note for the University and contacted the local authorities about her but he didn't actively look for her because he already had caused a lot of issues and didn't want people to get the wrong idea like I did. We asked the authorities and the university if they found anything. They couldn't find her.

She did not withdraw from her course, but she had stopped coming to workshops, wouldn't answer their calls, letters or emails. P*lice went to her place, it was locked up, her neighbour and landlord said they haven't seen her since April. She did not contact her landlord about her leaving the place, but left her chain behind to pay off the rent she had due.

We went to her place but now it has been rented out to new tenants. She didn't have any social media except from whats-app and Snapchat. We don't know where she is and I don't think she is coming back either. I just hope she moved on somewhere else and somewhere better. My bf is still upset, he still says he loves me but he just can't get his head through my trust issues.

He showed me the ring he had bought to propose, he still has it and now my hopes are high. I hope he goes past this and we can get back together. I told him if he wants I can alert the authorities about her past and they can contact her family. He told me absolutely not to do that since we don't know whether she wanted that or not.

I have been really trying to win him again. I love him a lot and I know he loves me too. I have been doing a lot of charity work for the past couple of weeks to ensure him I am a good person and that I had only made a mistake which I regret. We have only started talking again and even though it's bare, I know I can win him over.

He has since moved in with his parents again and now nearly done with the course, he will start working next year September once he gets the certificate. Every year, we spend Christmas together, but this year we won't. We didn't celebrate Halloween together either and I feel heartbroken. My sister's behaviour has not changed towards me either.

I feel very down and lonely. I feel like I have no one to turn to and no one to share my thoughts with. I don't want to go to my friends because I am afraid of being judged. I have only talked to my one best friend who I trust, and she even said that I can't do anything to change what happened and instead of crying for him I should just leave him be.

I just dearly hope all of this will change and we will get back to how we were. I also pray the girl is okay and has found the help and support she needs.

The internet had a lot to say in response to the update.

TylerNadel wrote:

You are a POS and deserve nothing but the worst things in life. I hope he leaves you.

rouge_regina wrote:

Nothing will fix this. You seriously screwed up. He's just waiting for an opportunity to return or sell the ring. Seems like you're still too wrapped up in your own self-righteousness to admit that he is done with you. You are an awful person. May you get all that you deserve.

SuperOrange2430 wrote:

OMG not you again. Girl, I think you need therapy. Seriously though. You really don't understand the gravity of the situation here.

"We don't know where she is and I don't think she is coming back either. I just hope she moved on somewhere else and somewhere better."

This does not sound as good as you thought it'll sound. It just gives off that you are happy she left rather than concerned.

"They couldn't find her. She did not withdraw from her course, but she had stopped coming to workshops, wouldn't answer their calls, letters or emails. Police went to her place, it was locked up, her neighbour and landlord said they haven't seen her since April."

"She did not contact her landlord about her leaving the place, but left her chain behind to pay off the rent she had due. We went to her place but now it has been rented out to new tenants. She didn't have any social media except from whats-app and Snapchat."

THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH IS CONCERNING. You do realise this could mean she maybe harmed herself. YET YOU STILL DON'T CARE.

You mentioned you tried again, but the only thing you tried is TO WIN BACK YOUR EX BF. This is all about you, how you feel lonely, how you are being judged, how you love your boyfriend. Reddit is not the place for you, you will get the same feedback again and again. Serious advise, get off the internet, bid farewell to your bf and move on.

Keep doing charity, keep working on yourself and try not to hurt someone in the future. This is already really painful for everyone involved, don't make it worse, especially not for your ex bf. Your are 27 ffs, you still have time to improve your personality for the better. Understand that even if you get back, the relationship will not be the same.

Once trust is broken, it leaves a crack in the relationship. Your ex is a good human, don't make things harder for him. If you truly love him then let him go, let him live his life peacefully now. If this is true then for your own sanity don't come back seriously you keep making it worse. And if you are a troll, then boy aren't you dedicated.

FranektheFlamingo wrote:

You started doing charity work to show him you are a good person? You are most def NOT a good person, you are using “charity work” as a manipulation. I so hope you can’t win him over.

Hopefully, the woman OP told off is safe and sound and finds support and care in her life.