Bride uninvites half her family to her Catholic wedding, 'I was speechless.' AITA?
"AITA for uninviting half my family from my wedding?"
I (32f) am marrying my longterm boyfriend (34m) in February next year. We've been engaged and planning the wedding for about two years now. Part of the reason we've had such a long engagement is that he's Irish Catholic and I'm English protestant (Anglican).
He's not remotely religious (I am though), but his family are very devout. His grandma (who he is extremely close to) in particular really wanted him to get married in their local church.
Anyway, we went to speak to the priest about it and he told us it's possible for us to marry without me converting, you just need to ask the bishop for permission, however, at the same time he asked if I'd be interested in converting. My family history is that my dad's family is Catholic (from Liverpool), but my mum's family is Anglican.
Anyway, long story short, I thought about it and decided to do the conversion course and convert. It started a year and a half ago and I finished it this April.
A few months ago I was at home for a big family BBQ and a cousin on my dad's side (who was never Christened or baptized) was telling me she was thinking about starting to go to church etc. I started telling her about this course I'd done (which is also for people new to the church) and my experience of it etc.
I have two aunts on my mum's side, and one of them (who was hammered at this point), overheard and said, "You're a catholic now? Isn't it bad enough you're marrying one?"
I was totally speechless for a second, and my dad's very much a conflict-resolution sort of person so he tried to make a joke out of things by saying, "Like mother like daughter," but I'm not a conflict-resolution sort of person so I asked her what the hell she meant by that.
She started ranting about the 70s and my mum had to almost physically pull her inside. It's worth noting that her husband, her other sister, her husband and their kids were all there (all adults), but not one of them said anything to shut her up. In fact they were actively excusing her by saying things like "She's just had too much to drink." And my other aunt even asked me again why I'd converted in quite a harsh voice.
I didn't answer but I did say that if they felt so strongly about it then they can just not come to the wedding. My dad managed to change the conversation at that point (again with a joke, bless him), and the subject didn't come up again).
The day after I was talking to my mum about it, who was also trying to keep the peace by saying that it's just a touchy subject for them (it isn't, they're just d%cks). I told her I didn't care if it was touchy, they couldn't say that sort of thing and I was uninviting that side of the family from the wedding.
I think they thought I was joking but the invites went out last week and they're furious that I've cut them out of the wedding over "a bit of banter." AITA? It was maybe a bit severe not to invite any of them, but not one of them stood up to my aunt and disagreed.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
000-Hotaru_Tomoe said:
NTA. If religious values are important to you, and some members of your family have trampled on them, it's okay to disinvite them. Just be preparared for some major fallout.
RoyallyOakie said:
NTA...A wedding is no place for hate and negativity. You don't mention receiving any sort of apology, so I'm assuming that they didn't bother. Surround yourself with those who will bring you joy on your special day. Best of luck!
MHIH9C said:
NTA -- you don't need people at your wedding who disparage your future spouse to your face. I'm disappointed, though, in anyone who converts to a religion just to marry. It doesn't say much for their own convictions if they can convert so easily.
DueIsland2983 said:
NTA. It wouldn't be comfortable for anyone having people that staunchly anti-Catholic at a wedding in a Catholic church.
Is the real issue the Irish or Catholic part of "Irish Catholic"? If your aunts are ranting about the 1970s, that sounds like the issues are as much about the Troubles and the fight those seeking Irish independence and those seeking to keep Ireland under British control. Given that your husband was born in the late 1980s this history is not his personal history.
You don't need to include those who will keep the hate of past generations alive for current and future ones.
VariousTry4624 said:
NTA. I view myself as a refugee from Christianity (orig. Irish Protestant) but having watched the horrors of the Troubles I firmly believe that any sort of comments like your aunts made are hugely out of bounds and cannot be tolerated.
Your response was proportional and they refused to back down--and later tried to rug sweep their bad behavior. Furthermore having bigoted drunks of any stripe at a wedding as asking for disaster. Stick to your guns and have a great wedding.
invisiblefalcon said:
NTA - your wedding, your rules. It may be harsh to punish the aunts' kids for it. I don't know their family dynamic, but even as adults, it could be difficult for their kids/husbands to call them out (it could lead to massive arguments in private).
But "too much to drink" is a bullshit excuse for that kind of behavior. The last time I checked, religious discrimination was not a side effect of alcohol. They genuinely believe what they said; the drinks just loosened their lips.
If it's so difficult for your aunts to see their family members marry Catholics, they have no obligation to attend.
Also, I assume there's going to be alcohol served at your wedding. How do you know your aunts won't DrInK ToO MuCh then?