'AITA for using my husband's salary to make a point to his family?'
"AITA for using my husband's salary to make a point to his family?"
PlaneKoala1680
My husband and I are doing okay financially, we make enough to not worry about rent and necessities, we are saving a decent amount and have scope for growth in our careers.
I make a little more than 1/3 of our combined income. We are both in our late 30s and we have two 6 yr old boys. I have never liked my husband's family (most of them anyways) because they have a lot of old fashioned opinions and don't really approve of me. We don't have a lot of contact so it's okay though.
My husband's cousin's wedding is this week and they are getting married in our city, so he offered for his parents and aunt and uncle to stay with us. (bride and groom are renting a place.)
It is a bit of squeeze but it is working. They have been here for two days now and on the first day I heard them having a whole discussion on how it's so sad that out children won't get to have a "proper" childhood with a mom at home, like my husband and his cousin got. While they were in the living room and I was in the kitchen and they knew I could hear.
I was stewing but I don't really like confrontation so I didn't say anything. Later I asked my husband if he could please tell them to shut up with the snide comments about me. He said that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting me, if I'm bothered I should learn to stick up for myself - and that he can't always do it for me.
This sort of struck a nerve because it's true that I usually ask him to do small things like telling the drive-thru person if our order is wrong, because it just makes me feel weird and guilty. But somehow it feels like more his responsibility because it's his family involved here?
Anyways so today my FIL made one more pointed comment during dinner and I said your son makes xxx. We live in a big city and rent is xxx. We literally cannot live on his salary so I don't know why you think I should be home all day.
They were pretty quiet after that. Now my husband is really angry with me because I put him down in front of his family who are all richer than us and will look down on him. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Enforcer1971
Definitely NTA. Your husband and in-laws however... Common sense dictates that if your family has a problem with your spouse, you have their back. Still, I think you handled things perfectly given the fact that your husband is a textbook ah and doesn't defend you when he should. He doesn't get to be mad for the way you chose to do what he said, you just took his advice.
Also, is he a teenager? Why is he so pressed about his family knowing such trivial things as your rent and general income? If he didn't want you to say those things, he should have had your back I guess.
Neutral_Guy_9
NTA. Your husband should’ve nipped the shitty comments in the bud while he had the chance. They pushed you into a corner and you gave an honest response.
PsychologicalGain757
NTA but your husband and his family sure are. He didn’t want to handle it and seemed perfect content for them to drag you in your own home and told you to deal with it or handle it yourself. He’s currently experiencing FAFO.
He deserves to feel as uncomfortable around his family as he’s been okay with you feeling all of these years. And as far as the SAHM thing, even if it were affordable for most people (which isn’t the case), it’s not the best choice for everyone.
I’m a SAHM and my sister isn’t. Both of us have great kids. Some people are better moms because they work and there’s nothing wrong with that. And most people have to either work or sacrifice a lot (like my family has) in order to make that work. If hubby didn’t want them to know the truth then he should’ve shut them down.
And if they have that much money they can find a hotel instead of leaching off of you guys and insulting you in your own home. Apparently money doesn’t buy class in this instance.
Appropriate_Buyer401
NTA. Your husband wants you to stand up for yourself and you did. You are not staying at home in part because their son does not earn enough for you to stay at home.
It's telling that your husband did not mind when you were being put down, but is now angry because his family will "look down on him". Like I wonder how he justifies the double standard.
SomeoneYouDontKnow70
NTA. This sounds like a case of malicious compliance. Your husband told you he wouldn't stick up for you and that you should do it for yourself, so that's all you did. As he said, it's not really hurting him after all, isn't that so?
TheEmpressIsIn
NTA. Your husband is though. He needs to learn to support and defend you from their nastiness. Ask him how he would feel in reversed positions? Would he want people trash talking him in his own home, within earshot?
TopAd7154
Lol NTA. Your husband told you to stand up for yourself and that's exactly what you did.
Of he didn't like how you did it then he should have spoken up at the start.
BriefHorror
NTA "If you don't like the way I stick up for myself then you should have done it." Hey OPs husband YES ITS YOUR JOB TO SHEILD YOUR WIFE FROM YOUR FAMILY AT ALL TIMES otherwise its a job you don't deserve.
edit: OP this is the kind of man you want your boys to grow up into? Ones who let people talk shit about their wives? They'll be on the fast track for divorce 100% guaranteed if you don't shut this down. So no its not okay because you only see his family sometimes if he categorically fails every time you do.
This is the second post I've seen recently where the OP has told her husband's family that she only works because he doesn't make enough money to stay home. It's so old fashioned and sexist it pisses me off.
I worked because I wanted a career. Even if my husband made enough for me to have stayed home I wouldn't have. I have nothing against anyone wanting to be a stay at home parent, man or woman, but the idea that women only work because their husbands aren't good "providers", ugh 0_o.
PlaneKoala1680 OP responded:
I totally didn't mean to come off like that, sorry. It's valid to work because you find fulfillment in having a career. For me it's just that work has always been more about making ends meet than really building a career. It's only in the last few years that we are more secure. I would have liked to be a sahm, but that wasn't the right decision for us, because of our incomes.
It's not my husband's fault, obviously. But the truth is that I'm working to provide for the family too, not just because I made a choice to have a career. Both should be understood, imo. Some women (and men lol) work because they find joy in their career. Some work mostly because they have to. Most people are probably a combination.