'AITA for wanting to be intimate with my wife? She's waiting until after the church wedding.' UPDATED 2X

Relationships are hard enough when you're on the same page about getting physical, but when you aren't? It's a whole different can of worms.

"AITA for wanting to be intimate with my wife?"

I (m28) dated my wife let’s call her Rina (f26) for 3 years before we got married and during that time, she made it known that she would like to remain a v-gin until our marriage. We both met in a religious event and are both church-going and religious, so this was not a problem.

She is an overall wonderful person, the most caring, loving and sweetest wife I could ever have and not to mention beautiful as well. She takes care of me and even took some time off to care for my mother when she was in the hospital due to a car accident and has no problem with babysitting my sister’s kids (5,7) who love her very much.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am and I feel the same. We have been married for 4 months now and live together in my apartment. Her grandma had been sick for years and her dying wish was to see Rina get married before she passes. Rina is the only girl among 8 cousins so she was very special and close to her grandparents.

Knowing this, I proposed to her as her whole family and mine have basically become one and it was a no brainer at that point. We got married in the courthouse within a week after knowing about the prognosis. We went straight to the hospital and had a small party there with her since she had a private room and the hospital staff allowed it.

Sadly, she passed about 17 days later.

Later that night after getting to the hotel from the wedding, she tells me that she thinks we should wait until we marry in church because she considers this marriage legal but not anointed by God and is not right.

We cuddle, kiss but then when it gets heated, she stops me midway and tells me the time will come and we will enjoy it. Our families are planning a big Church Wedding for us in April when we will be “fully yoked” but I don’t know how I could wait that long. It is terribly uncomfortable cuddling in bed with her and wanting to make love with her knowing I can’t.

She moved in with me in my 1 bedroom apartment a month after our marriage so it’s been 3 months now of cohabiting temporarily before we move to a bigger place. I feel we are in every way a married couple. Not newlyweds but more like an old couple because of a lacking in the intimacy department.

We do groceries together, clean, cook, take care of each other except THAT. She says she believes our first time will be special since we will have it during our honeymoon in Spain right after the wedding. (We have both been a big fan of Spain) Anyway, the other night we were watching a movie and started kissing that gradually ended up getting more heated.

She stops me after some time and we had an argument because yes, I know I was wrong and didn’t control myself well. I guess I should’ve asked what marriage and intimacy really meant to her before proposing instead of assuming but I also think I’m being deprived of something so important in a relationship.

She didn’t speak to me for 2 days and just a while ago we had an honest conversation and have decided that she should move back to her parents until our actual church wedding in April. We originally thought living together since we were legally married would be a good start at knowing each other but I guess this is for the best.

I still have this nagging feeling in my head. AITA for wanting intimacy with my wife? Also, I never once forced myself on her, everything we do is consensual and I always stop as soon as she says NO because I respect her. I guess I’m just frustrated most of all and I wanna know if I’m an AH for feeling this way.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Thanks everyone for your feedback. I was reading everything and appreciate your points. I do want to point out that we are not getting divorced or annulled and I know I have no right to force her into anything. I just want to let out how I feel. Also like I mentioned in the comments, we would like a larger wedding although it takes longer to plan since her and my relatives are available in April and have already taken PTO.

I will wait for her of course and I value her virtues and how strong she is with her principles. We didn’t talk about s-x before the courthouse wedding I guess because we both had differing assumptions on the relationship and despite her wanting the church wedding before we moved in.

She offered to move in as a compromise since she knows what she’s asking is also not easy. I don’t think another small gathering is necessary because at this point, it will all be just for show and takes away the uniqueness of the church wedding and the feelings involved if we had too many wedding related events.

I want her to feel special on that day because she is and to feel like how a bride does on that one special day. Legally though, she has started using my surname because she acknowledges we are married but that our church wedding will wed us in all ways. We had the courthouse wedding but didn’t invite our minister because as I mentioned, we want the Church Wedding to be our big and special day only.

What I meant by not controlling myself is my frustration, not necessarily my desires to take it further. Also, her parents have never told us we had to wait or our church. They consider us married already. I guess for my wife and it’s more of the symbolism of marrying in church and for the honeymoon to be in every sense of the word.

Having s-x and then going on a honeymoon defeats the purpose and I also think it would be great to do it then. We fly to Spain the next day after the wedding and don’t think we would even have the energy for anything the night of the Church wedding. She is not asexual as well to clear things up.

I know everyone doesn’t believe in abstinence or applying Bible principles in life and I understand that but I request to please respect ours. Right now, she will be staying with her parents but we are planning on talking more to a counselor as well as our minister if we could change any arrangements if needed about our thoughts on s-x and our unique circumstance. Thanks!

People had a lot to say in response.

Initial-Buy-7386 wrote:

Have you two discussed s-x after marriage? Not in a vague way, but real expectations. A previous commenter said her issues with s-x will not magically disappear after a church wedding and they’re right. She may only want s-x for procreation, which isn’t unheard of in some deeply religious people.

Can you live with that for the rest of your life? S*x only when she’s trying for children, not while she’s pregnant, not until she’s ready to have another child, decades of a s*xless marriage after she’s past “child rearing years”.

Be honest with yourself and communicate your expectations with her and ask her to communicate hers to you. Will her beliefs and wishes allow her to meet your needs or this will be a miserable union for both of you.

SnooGiraffes3591 wrote:

This. Plenty of people wait until marriage and then have lots of hot, steamy s-x, too, but OP, you need to make sure you and your wife are on the same page about that. Because YOU thought she just wanted to wait until you were married. Then you got married and she said "no, not this wedding, it doesn't count. I want to wait for our REAL wedding."

Which is valid if she's very religious, but should definitely have been communicated BEFORE the wedding. How much would it suck to wait for the religious ceremony and then find out she only wants to do it missionary and only until she conceives? I mean, if you're cool with that, ok I guess, but you deserve to know beforehand.

Brave_exchange2794 wrote:

I got a feeling it’s not going to magically change after the church wedding

Suggest you really relook at your options

a517dogg wrote:

So according to your quasi-wife, her grandmother's dying wish was to see her married, but apparently your marriage isn't real, so she denied her grandmother her dying wish? Also she is not planning on s-x on your wedding night, but waiting until you guys arrive in a foreign country? And there's no discussion of non-intercourse enjoyable things you guys could do? Many red flags.

Eleven days later, OP shared another update.

It’s been a while since I posted about my situation with my wife and just want to give a little update. I talked to Rina the day after I posted it and talked about what exactly is holding her back and if she has any concerns, she could open up to me and talk about it like a married couple.

If she even considered us one. She told me she had seen the post and had actually read a lot of the comments you guys posted and realized it stems from her feeling everything was so rushed and it was not how she expected to get married in her head and what comes after that. She wanted to make her Nana happy but at my expense.

It dawned on her after our small party in the hospital how she didn’t feel ready for it because she didn’t “feel married”, thus letting me know later on that she wanted to wait. She has apologized about how she handled things and thanked me for being patient. I have done the same and we have been talking everyday although she still lives with her parents.

We changed our plans altogether and have decided to do an elopement and be married in Rome. We contacted a relative we have living there who set everything up from the venue, photographer and the minister. We decided on a little ceremony by the lake with just us, the minister, our relative and the photographer. We are leaving in a week and are very excited about it.

And since we will be there, we’ll have our honeymoon in Spain right after as planned since it’s only a few hours away. The April wedding will still push through for family and friends as more of a vow renewal/reception. We have informed them about it and they understand how our case has been very unique and are very happy and supportive regardless.

Our elopement is simply a ceremony for the both of us not thinking about other people for once. We are already looking at a bigger apartment for us when we return from the trip so Rina could have her own working studio as my apartment is too small.

Will be updating if we can after the trip as your input has really put things in perspective. Thanks for everything and it really did help us look deeper into the foundation of our principles and priorities.

One commenter jumped on to respond, before the post was deleted.

I hope it really is her religious repression that is keeping her from being intimate with you. I would be concerned that her shame/reluctance about sex will continue (with new reasons) even after the 'church wedding'.

You guys could use some marital counseling, most newlyweds could. I wish I had done so when I got married.

Good luck.

Then six months later, OP shared another update.

It’s been 6 months since I posted on this and just wanna give you guys an update. Rina and I finally had our beautiful church wedding last month. It was a sunny and warm day, she just looked stunning and it was better than anything we both ever imagined.

Our families helped a lot in the wedding preparations and as I mentioned in the previous post, my wife did move out to live with her parents until we got married in church. We made sure to talk thoroughly about how we felt and if this was what she really wanted. We met every week and talked every night until the day we finally got married in church.

Mid February, there were talks and doubts about the relationship and if our expectations of marriage aligned and whether it was best to hold off on the wedding to see if we were indeed compatible and if our courthouse wedding was merely an “obligation” we had to fullfil for her nan before passing.

It was a difficult month for us, we talked about her fears and she explains it was just that she has had this belief in her mind about keeping herself pure in her big day and it was purely hers alone and not her family or anybody else.

We did go through marriage counseling to help more in dealing with our situation. During this time, I moved to a larger place and found a better paying job and got busy.

She started working from home and accompanied her brother who move to Japan to help him get settled, she was there for about 2 weeks and actually had a nice break. We both had a lot of time and it helped strengthen our relationship to be honest and to realize how much we really wanted to be with each other.

We just got back from our 2-week honeymoon to the number 2 in our bucket list- New Zealand! We originally planned to go to Spain but we decided to change itineraries since we plan to travel to Europe in the future so Spain could wait. It was a wonderful but very exhausting and costly trip but so worth it. We drove in a camper van and stayed at campgrounds every night under the stars.

Hiked a lot and basically just spent time together enjoying nature. And yes, for everyone waiting for an update, we had our first intimate moment there. The first time was pretty uncomfortable for her (we were also in a van so not the most pleasant place) and she still has this thing where she can’t stop overthinking every time we are doing it haha.

We are getting better at it though and have actually slowly learned each other’s wants and dislikes. She actually initiates it from time to time and it made me happy but also relieved that she has urges to do it and letting me know.

Her family moved her stuff to my new place while we were on vacation so it was a relief not to have to move stuff again after a long exhausting trip and just be able to rest after coming home. Jet lag is still really bad but just thought of writing this now while my wife is sleeping next to me. We are both scared for the future as newlyweds but also excited for our little family.

Rina and I hope to have kids in the near future but for now, we have decided on becoming fur parents first and looking into shelters once we are fully settled. She has also read the post I wrote before just recently and found the comment about having s-x and skydiving to be hilarious and she is quite “curious” about us doing it lol. If that does happen, that’s a whole post by itself!

People were happy to hear the update.

dorito-guy wrote:

I'm glad you guys could make things work, congratulations on the wedding! And good luck going forward.

Greedy-ad3815 wrote:

Nice! Congrats on gettings married!

OP responded:

Thank you!

knittedjedi wrote:

"The first time was pretty uncomfortable for her (we were also in a van so not the most pleasant place)."

All this drama and they ended up doing the deed...in a van.

StinkyJane wrote:

As someone who grew up in hyper-religious purity culture, I have known so many women also from that world who suffered s-xual dysfunction as married adults because the "s-x bad and impure!!" conditioning, it turns out, doesn't magically flip off when you get married. (It's not openly talked about how much v-ginismus correlates with intense purity culture upbringing in women.)

It sounds like OP's wife ultimately powered through her conflicted feelings like a champ. There will likely still be ups and downs in the future, but it's a great sign that she's communicating openly with OP and is in therapy (hopefully real therapy and not counseling with clergy).