Wife angry that husband wants to deliver her baby instead of holding her hand. AITA?
"AITA for wanting my husband to hold my hand during birth?"
Specific-Koala1721
I (35f) am 7 months pregnant. I am married to an Family Medicine Doctor (35M) and we've been together 10 years. Throw away reddit because my SIL follows me on reddit and reports everything to my husband.
I'm reaching out to all of you to ask your advice on a fight my husband and I are having on our birth plan. My husband really wants to deliver the baby which I can kind of understand.
It's not uncommon for doctors to deliver their own kid. There is still an OBGYN there monitoring everything, and the doctor father steps in at the last minute as mom is crowning to just catch the baby.
My husband has I guess always dreamed of being the one to pull the baby out, while I pictured it very differently. I thought he would be up by my head, holding my hand and helping me through it.
He says he will do that, but the easiest part is the very end where I won't need him anyway. He said if I really want someone there, his mom can step in. I've been on my own since I was a kid living in my car.
So, I don't have anyone I'd want in there with me except him. I don't really even want his mom in there. She's great, but he's my person. I know it would be "cool" for him to deliver our baby, but I really feel like I need him there.
I personally didn't want our doctors to know he was a doctor, because as soon as any of my doctors, or even our vet, finds out he's a doctor they talk exclusively to him. I don't even want him to go the prenatal appointments anymore because no one talks to me. They all talk to him, and I can't ask my questions to anyone but my husband at home.
But he's already told everyone he'll be delivering his first baby. I guess I don't want this because I wanted him to be there as a husband and a father, and not a doctor. I see him as a doctor 95% of the time, and I wanted to experience this with my husband and not my husband the doctor.
I wanted him to be there for me as this is my first birth and I'm terrified. He just keeps telling me I'll be fine. He pulled in friends/family who also don't understand my POV. They said this is his first child too, and to just let him have this since I had the honor of being pregnant.
I just really wanted him to hold my hand all the way through it, and be able to share this experience as parents and people instead of a medical professional. I was hoping we could see the baby at the same time and just be equals in this. Am I being selfish for wanting this to be my way?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Sweet-Interview5620
NTA I would arrange a meeting with your midwife and doctors without him present. I would let them know that in no uncertain terms is your husband allowed to take over and be the doctor for your birth.
That he’s there only as your husband and that if he tries to ignore you and take over then they are to remove him from the room completely. That you want this put clearly on your file.
You are their patient and you are sick of your doctors and nurses only talking only to your husband on YOUR appointments. That you‘re their patient and you should not have to ask your husband to tell you what your doctors told him about you and your pregnancy when you get home.
That it is you risking your life going through a traumatic life risking procedure and as such if any of them enable your husband to act as a doctor against your wishes that you will be taking legal action and make official complaints.
As you should have a say on who you give approval of and who you feel safe operating on your body. That your husband is there as your husband only and if he can’t do that for one day then he is to be removed.
After that go to your husband and make it clear you married him the man not him the doctor. If he can’t not be a doctor for one day or put your needs and wishes when going through something traumatic and life threatening.
Then he doesn’t get to be there at all. That if he is not going to abide by you the patient and mothers wishes then you will not allow him in the delivery room at all. Why should you when he’s clearly refusing to support you and be there as your husband.
That if he’s just going to be another doctor down the business end then you don’t need him there. If and only if he promises to stay up at your head and hold your hand will you allow him but that you need to make it clear that if he thinks he can just take over when you can’t do anything to stop it.
Then you will have him removed and you nor your baby will return home with him as you will begin divorce proceedings. That he thinking he can do this procedure on your body without your consent is assault and you clearly don’t give your consent despite the fact he keeps dismissing this fact.
That if he clearly thinks he can assault you then will not be married to him. If he can’t be a loving husband to his wife and not a doctor only then theirs no marriage anyway.
Hot_Oven8406
And how he has his friends & family further his agenda(s) through manipulation .... "He pulled in friends/family who also don't understand my POV. They said this is his first child too, and to just let him have this since I had the honor of being pregnant."
That plus the SIL comment were the most wild parts of this story to me! ... Like why is he even telling his friends & family this private info? Sounds like a controlling relationship where her husband doesn't accept that no means no and that this isn't his experience, it's hers.
RRK5953
He can be in the room at your head, or he can't be in the room. His choice.
NTA. What you're doing isn't a privilege, it's a difficult and dangerous part of life. If men could do it, women would gladly sign them up. He needs to get over his fantasy.