'AITA for wanting to end my wife's family tradition because it excludes our daughter?'
"AITA for wanting to end my wife's family tradition because it excludes our daughter?"
wildwestdw
Every April, my wife's family holds a family reunion. They don't celebrate holidays together often, so they go all out for these, renting a hall, catering, the works. The only weird event at these reunions is a clothing swap between the women of the family.
For whatever reason, when my wife and her sisters all had daughters close in age, they decided a long time ago that this was the best way to do family hand-me-downs.
All the women in my wife's family ended up being very short (4'10"-5'1"), so they all wear "rare" but similar sizes, so it's always worked out. With a 70/30 gender split and the only men in the family being myself, my brother in law, and my sons from a previous relationship, this swap meet is the MAIN event.
They make it a whole show about it. It's incredibly boring from the outside, so my boys and I always head out early if we go at all. This would be a non-issue if it weren't for my daughter, Kate.
She's my wife and I's "ours" baby. Kate took after my side of the family. We're a taller family, or at least not Keebler Elves, so by the time she was 11, she started coming back with nothing from those parties.
The first time, I assumed that she was just picky until I realized that she was starting to be bigger than her older sisters and cousins and had outgrown any size they would wear.
My wife thought she needed to realize that not everything was for everyone and to just have fun being there. Last year, she started having body image issues thinking she was "fat" and needed to go on a diet, and now I'm thinking having this event is feeding it.
This year is going to be a massive deal as my MIL is going into a nursing home and is downsizing. She was so into fashion that she has an entire storage unit full, so this is going to be a TON of stuff. I'm starting to think the reunion shouldn't involve a clothing swap at all and all of that should be done privately at another time. Family shouldn't be about a fashion show.
My wife thinks that's ridiculous and Kate is just having typical teenage problems that will go away on their own, but if she's so bothered, she can just not go or stay with the boys. I don't think that's right. This is mainly a girl's reunion!
It's not like there's anything else for an alternative for her to share in because they don't really get rid of accessories or anything, it's JUST clothes. This event is starting to get mean and exclusionary. And it needs to end. I'm trying my best to make them see sense, and I'm getting nothing but arguments. Am I really in the wrong here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I'm not going to judge you for looking out for your kid. But, I do think you're lying to yourself about her height being the problem.
I'm in a group of family and friends that clothes swap. There's almost a 2' height difference between the tallest and shortest of us. The important thing is that we're all of a similar circumference.
I have no idea if Kate is 'fat' or not. There are a huge variety of body shapes that contribute to the size of the clothes you wear - the width of your shoulders, for example. Nothing to do with fat, it's just a body type.
Trying to end this tradition is going to result in having an entire family angry with you. I'd rather make alternative plans with Kate - take her out shopping, just the two of you
wildwestdw OP responded:
It is. Kate is 5'6". She has half a foot on the tallest of them, and while obviously I don't know anyone's weights, she could easily have 30 pounds on them and has a very normal BMI.
BreastClap
NTA. Take her out shopping that day. Your wife will come home w/ “new” clothes, your daughter should get some new things also.
Unhappy-Prune-9914
Or take her beforehand so she goes to that event already excited about her new stuff.
221b_ee
This would be cute! Then she can put things on with everyone else and show off her new digs
Handknitmittens
Probably unpopular opinion, but I think you are overreacting. My friend group has clothing swaps all of the time. I am on the larger side and often don't fit a lot. I still love that they have them and love participating. One, clothing swaps support sustainability by encouraging wearing used clothing. The clothing industry is a huge contributor to climate change.
Two, they save so much money. Three, it is usually fun together. I really love that your wife's family includes it as part of their reunions. Like how fun. And what an incredible way to celebrate your MIL by everyone getting to take some of her clothing collection.
If Kate really doesn't like it, don't make her go. She can leave early with you and the boys. But to want them to cancel the entire thing because your daughter feels insecure seems extreme. I can't imagine asking my friends to stop them because lots of the clothes aren't my size.
RegretOk194
Took awhile to find someone who said this. Not everything is for everyone. It's nice he wants things to be fair but really it's just a way of being able to recycle clothes. if his daughter doesn't fit the clothes for whatever reason then take her shopping while they do it or something else. Don't ruin a tradition for everyone because of one person.
Zazzog
YTA. I get where you're coming from, but you go into the wrong when you say that this event is, "starting to get mean and exclusionary". It's not.
Kate doesn't fit the clothes that are getting swapped around, and yeah, that kinda sucks. But your wife is right, the really important thing is the fun of being there. Don't let your own biases take that away from your daughter.