'AITA for warning my brother about his wife unprompted?' 'The kids will never love or accept her.'

"AITA for sharing my opinion with my brother and warning him about his wife unprompted?"

My brother (36M) and his wife Emma (35F) have known each other for the best part of 2 decades. They were in the same friend group toward the end of high school and lost touch after graduation for a while, but ended up reconnecting when the larger friend group reconnected.

Then Emma moved away and they lost touch again. In that time my brother got married and had his kids (11M&9F). Emma moved back about 5 years ago and started spending more time with the old friend group, my brother included. Though they didn't seem to get closer until after the death of one of their shared friends.

My brother's marriage to the mother of his children was never super great. It only got worse when the kids were no longer babies however and they separated 4 years ago. Their divorce was finalized a little over two years later.

Before the divorce was finalized my brother and Emma started dating. They broke up briefly and got back together but Emma's attitude toward the kids mom was incredibly negative around the time of the breakup and remained the same after they got back together. Emma and my brother got engaged fast and then my brother's ex, the kids' mom, died.

The kids weren't happy about living with Emma and less so about Emma trying to step into a motherly role for them. They know how she felt about their mom and with her gone the loyalty pull was stronger and the dislike for Emma more intense.

My brother and Emma's wedding day was a sh%^show and the kids protested the whole way through which my brother was aware of but he said they'd been okay with Emma before (as in before he dated her) so they were just protesting him being with anyone who wasn't their mom.

Emma is jealous of the kids' mom. She's jealous the kids still love her. She still hates their mom for reasons I don't know. The kids know she hates their mom and they use it to taunt her. They tell her almost every day, if Emma is to believed, that she'll never be as good as their mom and they will never love her or accept her because she isn't good enough.

They compare Emma's cooking to their moms, they compare the way she decorates, stuff like that. I know they do it. But I also know Emma has kicked up a fuss about the kids keeping their moms things and having them in their bedrooms, as well as having photographs of her.

Which if you ask me anything is likely the reason the kids are so quick to compare the way they do. The household is toxic. Emma's jealousy of their mom grows and the kids' dislike for Emma grows. My brother acts like things are fine and he's burying his head about the growing issues.

I decided not to ignore it and addressed this with my brother. I told him Emma and the kids are not getting along and her jealousy is going to make his home even more of a living hell than it already is.

And I told him I did not think Emma could come back from her jealousy and warned him that she could cost him the kids. He told me he didn't ask for my opinion and to mind my own business. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Sacha_Rae24 said:

NTA. It sounds like your brother is a bit in denial, and pretty much knows what's happening but doesn't want to deal with it. WIth the kids protesting on his wedding day...

Regardless of it being because of Emma or him marrying anyone else, he should have built that trust and ensured that the trust got built with Emma, before marrying. The way you describe it, it wasn't just a little bit of uncomfortableness with their dad moving on.

tinyd71 said:

Your brother has his head in the sand about his marriage/family situation. That said, unsolicited advice, particularly about someone's marriage, is often not well received. You might have considered asking your brother if he wanted to hear your concerns/opinions, or gently opening up a conversation where you might be able to share these. You were well-meaning, but you handled this clumsily. NTA.

floridaeng said:

NTA - I don't think I'd believe anything Emma says without some confirmation from the kids. I also wouldn't put it past her to go into the kids rooms and destroy those photos of their mother, and maybe also throw out or damage their mother's things.

Consider offering the kids to get copies made of the photos that you keep so they are not lost. You might even offer to let them store some of their mother's things with you.

Firm-Molasses-4913 said:

NTA. If you can’t address your concerns with your family there’s no hope for any of us. Now the thing is you must not raise this issue again. He knows your concerns and how you feel. You may have planted a seed or just hardened his resolve to ignore the family dynamic.

Time will tell. Try to be there for his kids. But also encourage them to focus on other parts of their lives, school, hobbies, friends. It’s so destructive and unhealthy for them to be so focused on riling her up.