Woman's stepmother tries to prey on bride being adopted in order to play "mother" role in wedding. AITA?
"AITA for what I said to my fiancé's dad's wife?"
Ok_Author4471
My fiancé (27m) and I (26f) are engaged and right now we're still planning our wedding. I'm walking down the aisle with my two brothers since our parents are both sadly passed and my fiancé wants to have his older sisters walk him since he doesn't see why we both can't walk. And he wanted to include them as much as possible. He also wants to dance with them during our reception.
His dad's wife discovered this and wanted to be the one walking him down the aisle and dancing with him. But my fiancé, and both of his sisters actually, do not have the best relationship with this woman.
While their relationship with their dad is pretty okay, not very close but not super distant either. But his wife is another story. My fiancé first met her when he was 10 and his sisters were 13 and 15. Their mom died a year earlier and their dad's decision to remarry that fast did add some strain to their relationship because they don't feel like he considered them at all.
When my fiancé met her he thought she was okay but, by the time the wedding was approaching, he realized she wanted to be more of a mother to him. She wanted the girls as her bridesmaids and my fiancé "her son" to walk her down the aisle. None of them wanted to do this.
After the wedding, when she wanted my fiancé to allow her to step into the role of mother for him, it grew more tense and unfriendly. My fiancé felt like she forced the issue too much.
She felt like he should have been more accepting of a second mother in his life. The tension grew when she realized she was truly not even seen as second best by him but was not seen as anything beyond his dad's wife.
His dad's wife already requested he let her walk him and dance. He clearly said no. There was a fight over her feeling like his mother and him laying down the fact he has never considered her to be anything of a mother to him.
When she couldn't get through to him, she tried to go through me. Using the fact I was adopted and my parents adopted me to do this. She told me I know all about blood not meaning parent. Which is true, I do.
My fiancé doesn't feel this way because his mom was biologically related to him. But because she was there for to him and she was the one who raised him. Which is how I feel about my parents and it's a whole thing. I told her it was my fiancé's decision and I would not force him to do anything he doesn't want to.
She told me for the future of my future family I must and I should as a woman who has no genetic family. This got under my skin and I told her that she is not winning any points with me by talking to me like that and that I would never betray my fiancé for her.
I also told her she needed to back off and accept that she does not have a place in their hearts and forcing herself onto them will not help. She was furious with me and called me a bad daughter in-law. Then she texted me about it afterward and told me I owe her an apology. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
GoreGoddezz
NTA. You were right to protect and honor your fiances wishes. This is absolutely his decision, nobody else. Im curious tho if the place in their heart comments a bit nuclear. Do they not care about her at all, or just not see her as a parent?
Ok_Author4471 (OP)
They don't care about her. I can't say they hate her but if their dad died tomorrow they would not keep her in their lives and they don't carry any affection for her either.
Justanothersaul
From how she spoke to you, it is understandable why they don't like her.
Tall_Confection_960
No kidding. The way she spoke about your adoptive parents is horrible, especially knowing they've passed away. OP, I'm an adoptive mom of 3 kids, and I can tell you your parents loved you more than anything.
You were born from their hearts. Your fiancé's step-mom is a nasty person who obviously feels entitled to an undeserved place in the wedding. I'd be inclined to uninvite her. Stay strong, OP. I wish you all the best for your wedding and future.
Cevanne46
NTA. What she said about you and your parents was actually pretty horrible and invalidating of adoption. But she could be the loveliest person on the planet and still your fiance does not see her as a mum figure. His is the only opinion that counts.
Ok_Author4471 (OP)
It is and sadly I hear a lot of invalidating things now that my parents are gone. My brother who was also adopted does too. We get questioned about why we don't find our "real parents" now that our "adoptive parents" aren't around to stop us. They never did.
He and I just never wanted to find them. But it's something I do encounter. I also agree that my fiancé is the only person who can have an opinion on her being mom or not.
Kernowek1066
Not related to your post but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you guys have to deal with that kind of thing. Your well reasoned and mature approach to the situation with your in-laws shows how well you were raised. You must be a huge credit to your parents.
Ok_Author4471
What a kind thing to say! Thank you. I wish my parents could see me now. I was still so young when they died and I'd love for them to known the woman me instead of the 18 year old almost finished high school me. Makes me sad they'll miss out on so much.
National_Pension_110
NTA. This woman is a bully and has forced her way into this family during a traumatic time. She is overbearing when she doesn’t get her way. You and your fiancé need a united front at all times with this woman, and firm boundaries. “No” is a complete sentence.
Don’t engage with people like this. I assure you, anything you say can, and will be used against you. When it comes to your fiancé’s relationship with the step mom, don’t get in the middle. “I’m sorry, you’ll need to take this up with my fiancé.” But… “I’m sorry, no.”
And you and your future husband would be wise to read up on dealing with overbearing people. This behavior will continue unless you stomp it out. Good luck and congrats on your pending nuptials. Be prepared to eject her from your wedding if she starts acting out.