'AITA for forcing my niece and nephew to join sit down dinners with the rest of the family?'

"AITAH for forcing my niece and nephew to participate in nightly sit down dinners with the rest of the family while they’re here?"

Growing up, my family ate dinner together most of the time. Sure we had occasions where a parent was late getting home from work, schedules, trips, etc.

But for the most part, it was every night. It was one of the foundational things for me that I appreciate and I always believed it would be important for me to have this for my own family. For the most part I do. There are more occasions where my husband can’t be home and it’s just me and kids, but we still do it.

Right now my niece and nephew are staying with me as their parents are out of the country on business. I expect them to adhere to the same rules and sit with us at dinner. I don’t expect them to join in and chat like the rest of us do if they don’t want to. That’s fine, my oldest son sometimes doesn’t talk much, but he’s still there.

The kids are upset about it though and complained to their mom that I’m forcing “all these rules” on them and it makes them feel like they’re in pr-son. They definitely have free range at home and the parents aren’t home nearly enough so they’re used to sitting watching the Youtubes and Snapchats and all that while they eat.

They hate having to sit, though my nephew is adjusting and has been sitting down before dinner to talk to me while I’m cooking (which I love). I don’t have many other rules for them, other than the usual doing their homework before having fun, snacks are portioned out (I don’t care if you have a big portion, but no mindless snacking from the bag), electronics off after a certain time so it doesn’t ruin their sleep.

All of these can of course have exceptions, and even with dinner, if they have something important to do, obviously they do that instead of sitting for dinner. Things like school projects.

My niece has the biggest issue with this and insists it's not a big deal when she's scrolling on her phone at dinner and gets very angry if I tell her to put it away. I don’t think it’s that big of an issue. They will be here for another month, and I don’t think any of these rules are over the top. But I guess this is my own perspective, so I figured I’d ask.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

littleheart wrote:

Nah, you’re not TA. It’s just dinner, not jail time. A month of putting their phones down and sitting with family won’t kill them. Honestly, sounds like they need it.

babaduke999 wrote:

NTA. Just between us girls here, you're a better parent than their's if they're this conditioned to having their meal with a screen in front of them. So much so that it's strenuous for them to get through a meal without it.

I know this isn't uncommon. But I think this should alarm parents. These kids are already v--tims of screen addiction. They're just children. The guardians need to be there to hep regulate these things. This is your house and this rule is more than reasonable. It's not unusual. It's not crazy. It's also just common courtesy to not be on a screen when you're being served a meal.

I get it, it might not happen at home all the time. But this little girl doesn't even understand that it's rude to be this way as a guest. She should be taught some shame and humility with regards to common etiquettes. You're teaching them something. You're looking out for their wellbeing. You're making them better.

Straight_Coconut_317 wrote:

Look it up. Sitting down to family dinner to is the one behavior that is proven to reduce interactions with drugs, boost self-esteem, reduce teenage pregnancies, and all kinds of other good benefits. Do some reading, get the facts straight, and then tell these kids’ parents that if they want to stay with you, they have to adhere to this very important rule.

OP responded:

I've read about it! It's important to me for good communication between everyone, because it sparks conversations that won't happen sitting in front of the tv or just passing by.

I love that I know what's going on in their lives most of the time, whereas I know some other parents who can't tell you who their kids friends are, their interests, best subject in school, etc. And of course no judgment to those families.

banjadev wrote:

NTA - At the end of the day, you have your own 4 kids, and your routines and structures. If you have 2 kids staying with you for a month, they need to align with the house's routines. That is how it works.

Nothing you are doing is ab-sive or punitive, so while it may suck for your niece, who is that awful age of 15 (where they push everything - ugh - I did when I was that age, and so have almost every single daughter of my friends at the same age) she can suck it up.

This will teach her that the world does not revolve around her and will serve her well as she grows up. You never know - she might actually reflect on time at your house when she is older as the place where she learned there are better ways to do things. Good luck!

corvus_coronecorone wrote:

NTA. They will survive not scrolling through their phone for the time it takes to sit down to dinner. I hope you have a no phones at the dinner table rule! It is important to sit down to a meal together, it helps bond the family, and it also gives everyone the opportunity to talk about their day, to learn some manners, how to eat properly in company.

It also helps appreciate the food, it gives structure to the day, and it means no mindless munching down of food while wathcing TV or scrolling. There are plenty hours in the day for youtube and things, 20 minutes for dinner at the table will literally not k-ll anyone.