'AITA for being furious at my BF for throwing out my dad and grandfather’s baseball cards?'

"AITA for being furious at my boyfriend for throwing out my dad and grandfather’s baseball card collection?"

I (41F) have been dating my boyfriend “Dan” (39M) for about one year, and earlier this year, we decided to move in together. I own my house, and Dan moved into my place with me. He’s been really insistent on “decluttering” and has always talked about how he hates “useless junk.”

For some context, my dad and grandfather collected baseball cards together for decades. When my grandfather passed in 2020 due to cancer,he left his collection to my dad. My dad and I bonded over this collection when I was little—he’d tell me stories about the players, the games he and grandpa watched, and how they spent weekends going to card shows.

After my dad passed away two months ago, the cards became one of my most cherished possessions. I kept them neatly organized in binders and boxes on a shelf in a spare room. Last week, I was out of town for a work trip. When I came home, I noticed the room where I keep the collection looked suspiciously empty.

I immediately asked Dan where the cards were, and he said, very casually, that he “took care of it” and got rid of the boxes. I was floored. I asked what he meant, and he said he donated most of it to charity because it was “just junk taking up space,” and no one needs that many baseball cards.

I freaked out. I told him those cards were incredibly sentimental—they weren’t just some clutter, they were a legacy of my family. Dan got defensive and said I was “overreacting” and being “materialistic.” He also said that he was trying to help me live a more organized, minimalist life and that I “never even looked at” the collection anyway.

I was crying at this point, and I told him that he had no right to throw out something so important to me, let alone without asking. I checked with the donation center, and while they confirmed someone dropped off boxes of baseball cards, they had already sold most of them. I feel sick knowing they’re gone. Now Dan is saying I’m blowing this out of proportion and “choosing stuff over our relationship.”

He said he was trying to do something good for us and accused me of being selfish. But I can’t shake the anger and heartbreak. It feels like such a betrayal. I’ve barely spoken to him since, and he’s been moping around the house saying I’m making him feel like a monster. I honestly don’t know what to do. AITA for being so upset? Should I just let this go because he thought he was helping?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

bad_romance_novelist wrote:

NTA. Today it was the baseball card binders. Tomorrow it could be YOUR house he's taking from you. Call Waste Management or 1-800-GOT-JUNK, and have him and his possessions removed.

Swimchemical345 wrote:

Totally NTA-I am sooo sorry-I know how certain things are sentimental because they belonged to people you care about and loved. You don't have to sit there and look through those binders all the time to show you value it. Just having them there shows that you valued them. Listen to bad romace novelist. Ding Ding Ding. Right on point. Please safely exit this relationship.

OP responded:

That would be very hard to do where I live is a 3 bedroom studio apartment. That is owned by my place of employment.

Endlessdreamers wrote:

NTA. Your boyfriend -stole from you. Let's be clear: He. Stole. From. You. He STOLE memorabilia from you, reminders of your father and grandfather, that you will NEVER get back. They're gone forever due to this guy.

He did this on purpose, which is why he said, "No one needs that many baseball cards." He never even thought about how you would feel, only focused on what he wanted.

It annoyed HIM, so he didn't care why you had them.

He lives in YOUR house, chooses to remove YOUR stuff, without YOUR consent.

He then tries to gaslight you into thinking you were the selfish one. That -YOU- are the one causing problems because of something HE did. When he did this without any thought or concern for you.

And only did it because HE wanted to. The literal definition of selfish. And he's not upset that you are upset, he's upset that you're making HIM feel like a monster for doing a monstrous thing. He pretty obviously did this on purpose because he did this while you were away and without asking.

Seriously, I know people talk about people immediately jumping to ending a relationship on here, but the fact that he's not groveling and asking for forgiveness and instead trying to make you the bad guy...

Is this normal for him?

He's not respecting your space, your stuff, your wishes, he's not respecting you. He's making this about clutter, but it seems more about controlling the space. Which again, is yours, even if you agreed to let him live in it. Also, looking at previous posts, you have kids. At what point is he going to do this with their stuff?

ProfessorYaffle1 wrote:

NTA. If he genuinely wanted to help he would have asked you before he threw them out. The fact that he felt entitled to interfere with your property, and that he has not apologised, and is trying to minimise the impact on you of his actions, and to blame you for your (entirely reasonable and appropriate distress) are all major concerns.

This is a big deal, and failure to take any responsibility and his attempts to can you into thinking it's a 'you' problem are concerning.

At the least, he's shown a major lack of respect for you.

Even if the cards weren't so important to you, why would he think his minimalist tastes are more important than your wishes, or your right to decide which of your possessions you keep?

Speaking with a counsellor is a good start, but if Dan isn't able, or isn't willing, to take accountability for his actions and to shown a genuine willingness to change and to respect you more in future I would suggest that you seriously consider the relationship.

I'd also suggest that you think about seeing a counsellor individually, as well as any joint sessions, and look very hard at whether this incident is part of a wider pattern of disrespect or control by Dan. I'm so sorry he destroyed your legacy from your dad.