'AITA for getting a wedding canceled by sending a video to the bride?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for getting a wedding canceled by sending a video to the bride?"
My uncle Jay(28M) is marrying Mel(26F). She's shy so she never wanted a big wedding where she has to walk down the aisle etc. She wants to elope with just him and her and also have a traditional wedding from her country. He's completely cool with doing things how she wants it. But Jay's mom, Amanda, wants the typical wedding.
Mel conceded that she was okay with having an additional third wedding where Amanda could do all the planning and Mel would veto anything she didn't like. Cost-wise, it's no issue because the other two weddings are essentially free. The problem started when Amanda was showing Mel the bridesmaid list. There were going to be 7 bridesmaids, and one of them was Jay's cousin Leti (27F).
Leti has been nothing but rude to Mel since the day they met. She constantly makes little digs at her, talks crap about her, and overall makes it clear that she does not like her. So Mel immediately vetoed it. Leti was in the room sitting with them during the veto and threw a fit, talking about how Mel is always rude to her. I can vouch for Mel and say that she never chooses to interact with Leti in any way shape/form.
What she does do is whenever Leti makes a snide comment, she makes a direct comment back in response. So to an outsider, it might seem like Mel is being hostile but to everyone in the family, it's a roll-your-eyes moment where we know Leti is the AH, and Mel just isn't taking it.
Leti tried to claim that Mel has been holding a grudge based on the first week of them meeting, but then Mel pulled out a video (that I sent her:/) of Leti talking crap about her just a couple of days ago. In it, Leti's calling her a b- and saying stuff like she's not even that pretty, etc). Amanda sees this and immediately starts minimizing it saying oh she didn't mean that and so on.
At this point, I think Mel has had enough because everyone in the family knows how Leti acts towards her, but they never take it seriously. They only slightly tell Leti off and are always trying to convince Mel to not take it to heart. So Mel says that she's sorry but the wedding is off. She's still going to marry Jay in the other two originally planned ways, but she's not going to do Amanda's version anymore.
She says this all nicely (as always) but Amanda is now crying, Leti's screaming at everyone, and other family members are saying that Mel should learn how to take a joke. Days later, I said I was the one who sent Mel the video and now a couple of family members are mad at me for getting involved.
Was I the AH here? Leti won't talk to me because I'm a "snitch" but I don't even like her anyway. I'm just upset that I indirectly caused Amanda to be upset.
TL;DR: I supplied my future aunt-in-law with proof that a cousin is talking bad about her which caused one of the wedding celebrations to be canceled.
Internet strangers had plenty to say in the comment section.
beastofwordin wrote:
NTA, and Mel sounds awesome- you’ve picked the right side to be on. Trust me, this wedding was doomed from before it began, and you didn’t ruin anything. If anyone gives you trouble, remind them to take it up with Leti.
OP responded:
Yeah Mel is awesome, and I used to get along with Leti too. She used to be different, I don't really know when she started acting like this, but it wasn't noticeable until recently. It's starting to look like the third wedding is back on though cause Mel feels bad about Amanda crying.
elcad wrote:
NTA. Tell them they need to learn to take a joke.
SomeKindOfName42 wrote:
NTA. Granted, the title is slightly misleading, but in an unexpected twist/funny way. I love it that they’re still getting married on their terms without extra stuff they didn’t want anyway. It was the right thing to do to send Mel the video. And it was the right thing to do to announce/acknowledge that you’re the one that sent it. Kudos for you for owning the fact you sent the video to Mel!
SnoopyisCute wrote:
NTA. That was very kind of you. Usually, family members don't get involved to protect the newcomer to the family from that kind of toxicity so kudos. I don't blame Mel. Who wants to "celebrate" around that monster and her enablers?
LawyerDad1981 wrote:
Mel certainly doesn't sound very "shy" to me.
NTA.
OP responded:
She normally is. At first, Jay would always try to defend her and the situation would escalate with him and Leti going back and forth so now Mel quickly says something to diffuse the tension.
cx4444 wrote:
NTA but I see where Leti gets her drama from. The whole family is the same way. If I were mel, I'd stay as far away and little contact as possible. The whole Amanda forcing mel to have a wedding when she doesn't want one and then demanding leti who b-llies her to be a bridesmaid and then everyone else throwing a fit because Leti didn't get her way.
Why does she even want to be a bridesmaid to someone she hates? Oh, because it's about Leti's time to shine. Does anyone not care about the actual bride? Weird how weddings always make people think it's about themselves and not the actual bride and groom. Bunches of aholes.
The next day, OP shared a major update.
Thank you all for responding! I was feeling really bad that I had a role in all this. I made us sound crazy but it’s normally not this bad. It’s just hard to explain all the nuances in a single post. Some things that kept coming up:
1. I have a big family. We’re currently visiting extended f. and this group tends to be more argumentative. We all love Mel.
2. My immediate f. is likely to notice Leti constantly insulting Mel because we’re together more. Everyone here is defending her because they don’t see them interact on a day-to-day basis. To them it’s just an unserious thing that Leti should apologize for and Mel should get over.
3. Jay isn’t here right now, he’s on a long-term trip. He doesn’t know that all of this is happening yet.
4. Amanda didn’t force Mel to have the wedding. They get along really well and Mel wanted to make her happy so she said yes since it was a one-time thing anyway. Amanda was insisting that Leti be a bridesmaid because she would be the only immediate cousin who wasn’t in the wedding party. She didn’t want anyone to feel left out.
5. Leti is Amanda’s cousin’s daughter
6. Amanda isn’t performatively crying. She’s really nice and loves Mel too. Jay is her only son and weddings are big in our family. He would be the first to not have a big one.
I think the pressure of this along with some other stuff that’s happening is stressing her out. She’s a crier for most things.
7. The first 2 ‘weddings’ are v. small, like 20 people max.
8. The “joke” is related to other things that Leti says. As much as I don’t like her, she’s really funny so people tend to not take the stuff she says seriously. It’s only obvious she hates Mel to the people who see them interact often.
9. Leti did apologize after the video but it was clearly fake.
10. Leti is upset at me because I recorded the video in secret. She and her mom were in the living room talking and I could hear them so I filmed it. Not a great move I know, but it never made sense to me why she hated Mel so much so I wanted to show it to Mel so we could laugh about it. Mel only used it when people tried to claim that she was saying no to the bridesmaid thing for no good reason.
11. I told everyone it was me because people kept asking who it was and I felt bad.
12. Leti does not have a crush on Jay!!! That’s not how our family does things.
Sorry that was so long- the real update is that I found out why Leti hates Mel. She’s close friends with Jay’s ex who he dated for a long time. I’m not sure how long but it seems like the ex thought Jay and her would end up together. Jay and Leti are close in age so they were in the same friend group that the ex was in when they were younger.
The third wedding is back on. Leti is not a bridesmaid and is saying she won’t come. It’s supposed to happen in Oct so I’m not sure if anything will change until then but I’m no longer going to involve myself. Jay’s also coming back tomorrow and he doesn’t let anyone say anything bad about Mel so we’ll see what happens!
The comments kept coming in.
Big_Anxiety_7530 wrote:
Leti is a petty B. I'm glad she won't be going and now that there is video proof of how ugly her and her mother are, I hope the rest of the family starts distancing themselves from them. NTA - sometimes it takes putting their crap in their faces before people can really understand how serious it actually is. Someone had to have Mel's back while hubs is gone.
PettyWhite81 wrote:
Honestly, Amanda is kinda the ah too for organizing a wedding with 7 bridesmaids for someone who is so shy they didn't originally even want to walk down the aisle. This wedding sounds huge. I'm proud of you for defending your friend and showing her the video of Leti being a B.
jello-kittu wrote:
Sounds like the right solution- 3rd wedding, Leti is not in the party and if she decides to go, she needs to be on her best behavior. If she decides to go, which I bet she will, you should remind her, Mel is now part of the family- creating drama because she is friends with Jay's ex is stupid.
Jay and her broke up for reasons, her friend needs to move on. If they expect Mel to do this entire wedding to please the family, Leti can figure out how to at least be neutral to Mel in the family. Doesn't have to be buddies, but insulting her is just trouble.
Due-Eye9270 wrote:
If anyone continues to say that Letty wasn't serious in the future or "was just kidding" continue to reference the video and how two faced she is. And make the statement, "if she says this about mel, who is such a nice person, behind her back who knows what else she and her mom say about the rest of the family behind our backs."
And there you go, people will start to think that Letty and her mom talk bad about the rest of the family behind their backs, and it's probably true too.