'AITA for ghosting my ex because she is married now? She keeps messaging me.' UPDATED 3X

"AITAH for ghosting my ex because she is married now?"

My friends think I’m an AH for blocking my ex (who is married) because she keeps calling and messaging me. I wanted to ask if what I’m doing is right or if I should keep in touch with her. I dated Lisa for four years, and we broke up two years ago. Lisa told me she didn’t see a future with me and wanted to call things off. There were many reasons, and I knew it was coming.

Lisa came from a wealthy family, and we met in college. Our relationship was great during the college years. However, after we graduated and got jobs, it became clear to her that I would never be able to provide the lifestyle she was used to. She hated the small apartment we rented because I wanted to pay off my student loan quickly, and she resented that I couldn’t afford to take her on nice vacations.

It sucked, but I couldn’t blame her. I loved Lisa deeply, but I also knew she deserved the life she wanted. After we broke up, we still had lingering feelings and stayed friends for few months. We had mutual friends and would meet regularly. I never hated Lisa—in fact, I cherish the memories of the four years we were together.

But I was also acutely aware that we came from different worlds and that she shouldn’t have to "settle" because of me. Still, it was hard to let go completely, and sometimes I wondered if I’d ever truly get over her. We drifted apart after Lisa started dating a family friend. I met him a few times at parties; he knew Lisa and I had dated, and though he was polite, I started avoiding her and focused on work.

Eventually, I moved to another city and lost touch with Lisa. I heard from mutual friends that she got married six months ago. I wasn’t invited to the wedding, but I was happy for her. I also dated someone briefly last year, but right now, my career is my main focus. That’s what I need to believe.

Three weeks ago, out of the blue, I got a call from an unknown number—it was Lisa. She started with small talk, and we caught up on each other's lives. She told me about the new house she and her husband had just bought and how busy she’d been. I told her about my work and my new life. It was nice, like catching up with an old friend.

She gave me her new number, and the call lasted about 20 minutes. Although I found it odd, I figured she might have thought about me and decided to reach out. The next day, she messaged me and sent a few photos of her new house. I complimented her on them. Two days later, she called me again, saying she was driving and thought about chatting.

We talked about my new city, my new friends, and even gossiped about our old mutual friends. Then, she started sending me photos from a recent party where they all met up. Over the next two weeks, Lisa began calling me almost every day. I ignored most of her calls, but she always said she had free time and wanted to talk.

She started sending me TikToks, memes, and messages, initiating conversations all the time. At first, I brushed it off, thinking she was just being friendly, but it felt wrong—Lisa is married, and I shouldn’t be talking to her so frequently. The more she reached out, the more unsettled I became. Was she unhappy in her marriage? Was she just lonely? Or was I reading too much into it?

Last Friday, I finally messaged her, saying that it felt inappropriate for us to talk so often, given that she’s married now. She replied almost immediately, saying there’s nothing wrong with us being good friends, like before. I didn’t want to continue, so I told her we needed to stop talking for a while because I needed to focus on work.

After that, I blocked her number. She called our mutual friend Jess, crying about how I was rude and blocked her. Jess told our other friends, and some of them called me, saying I was being unreasonable to treat Lisa that way and cut her off.

I don’t understand how no one sees that it’s wrong for Lisa to call her ex when she’s happily married after more than a year of no contact. It doesn’t make sense. But maybe I’m the one who’s missing something. Am I being unreasonable with Lisa, or was it right for me to block her for both our sakes? And if I’m right, why do I still feel so conflicted?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Charlielovestuna wrote:

NTA - Simple question and test, ask her since "there’s nothing wrong with us being good friends", does her husband know and can she add him to the text group. I pretty sure we both know the answer.

Zornorph wrote:

NTA. She wants you as her side piece. Don't play her game. Let her live her boring life with her boring husband.

rocketmn69_ wrote:

She is bored with the lifestyle that you couldn't provide. She's missing what you had and it will turn into an affair. Maybe her husband is gay and is hiding in the marriage so that he doesn't lose his inheritance. No matter the reason, NTA.

Duepromotion287 wrote:

NTA- she still wants you (obviously). This can only go bad with you made the villain in the story. For your mental health, you have to put up the wall. Staying friends is one thing, but communicating multiple times a day means she wants a daily relationship with you.

I don’t know what she is thinking. She may want you to be her side-piece. She may just want to string you along. Maybe she feels bad because she wants you but wants $$$ also. Who knows. That said, she gave you the full court press and tried to ramp back into contact with you. She went from zero to sixty in a few days. She wants something it is missing something.

A month and a half later, OP shared a massive update.

I had posted a month and half ago regarding going no-contact with my ex-girlfriend Lisa after she tried to rekindle our friendship. Lisa married her husband, Jason, 6 months ago, and I wanted to respect their marriage, and blocked her after I felt we were crossing a line.

My friend was very critical of me because I was ignoring her, and most of you agreed that I did the right thing. Things have been really crazy since then and many of you asked for an update. I wanted to respect Lisa's privacy, but I as things settle down, I am again not sure if I am doing the right thing and need advice on my situation.

Sorry for the long post, but too many things have happened, and I wanted to get this off my chest. After I blocked Lisa, she called my friend Jess and wanted to talk to me one last time. I, initially declined, but finally caved in and told her that it would be the last time we would talk.

Lisa called me on Saturday morning and told me that she wanted to talk to me because she needed help and does not know if she can trust anyone. She sounded awful and I had to calm her down before she told me what was going on. Lisa told me that after we broke up, she met her husband Jason within few months.

Jason asked her out for a date in front of her mom, and her mom insisted that she at least give Jason a chance. Jason was a charmer, and they quickly became official. Jason was everything I was not. He came from a wealthy family and had everything figured out.

He took her on all the vacations I could never afford, and Lisa loved this life where she does not have to worry about things like loans, money when she was with me. They had a grand wedding, but Lisa told me that things quickly started going south. One night, she was hanging out with Jason's friends and one of his college friends started flirting with her and touched her inappropriately.

Lisa was shocked and told Jason immediately. Jason was drunk and told Lisa to loosen up and enjoy the party, and did not confront the friend. As months went by, Lisa found proof that Jason and his friends were doing drugs, and Jason had slept with most of his friend's wives, and it was a common thing in their friend group.

She suspects it happened during the time they were dating, and also few times after they were married. She confronted Jason, but he just got mad at her and told her that she is being too uptight. Things got messy and Lisa told me that there were some instances of physical ab-se (thought she did not go into too many details). Lisa wanted to leave Jason and told her mom about it.

However, her mom told her that it is too early in their marriage and instead, Lisa should work harder to make Jason happy, so that he does not need to look at other women. Lisa never told any of our mutual friends about this because they all loved Jason (mostly because he paid for all the parties, restaurants, etc.), and Lisa just felt very lonely and helpless.

That is when she got a burner phone and started messaging me on it. She apologized to me for getting me involved in her mess, but asked me if I can buy her a ticket to my city so that she can get far away from Jason and everyone and figure out what to do next.

She could not buy the tickets because Jason had access to all her cards and accounts, and she could not trust any of her friends back home because Jason might know about it. I was really angry with the whole situation, and agreed to help her. I got the tickets immediately and did not email her any details. I only told her the confirmation numbers when packed and reached the airport.

She flew to my city and is staying in my guest room. As expected, hell broke loose as soon as she called her parents to tell them that she has left Jason and is with me. She told them and our friends why she did what she did. However, everyone just thought that we had an affair, and she left Jason for me. Jason was really angry and demanded her to come home or they are done.

His parents called her to plead her to come back and talk about things calmly. Her dad refused to talk to her, while her mom flew to my city and we all met and she told her what happened. Her mom was more worried about their reputation than what Lisa went though in the last few months. It was just sickening.

Lisa is looking for lawyers to file for a divorce, and has refused to talk to Jason since she came here. Jason has not made an attempt to visit her, and initially sent he a lot of threatening messages. I feel he was advised not to send any more incriminating messages to her, and the messages from him suddenly stopped and there is radio silence.

Lisa is currently living with me for the last month. She has offered to pay me rent, but I have told her to just save up for any legal fees, as it seems her parents might cut her off. Many of our mutual friends still refuse to believe what Jason did, and some feel we were having an affair. Many of them have completely stopped talking to Lisa and me, and even removed us from their socials.

Lisa looks like an empty shell of herself. She was the most kind, fun person when we were together. Even though she keeps a brave face, she just bursts into tears randomly. I feel she has still not told me the whole story on what Jason did to her, but I am just going to be a good friend and give her the space she needs.

I, honestly am not sure how to feel. Everything happened so suddenly, I never had a time to react and think if what I am doing is right. I don't know how I got in a situation where my married ex is now living with me. I cannot kick her out, and I want to be there to support her in such a horrible time.

However, a part of me also does not know if what I am doing is right and as she is still a married woman, and I do not want to be labeled as a home wreaker or a cheater. Any advice would be appreciated.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

Edit: Just wanted to add some context since many of you are asking about it in the comments. Lisa left her main phone home when she left since her husband can track her phone. He was already paranoid that Lisa would leave him, and was tracking all accounts, and Lisa's whereabouts.

She did not want to let anyone know she was at my place. However, I insisted that she at least call and tell her parents that she was safe, else they would have thought she disappeared and might have gone to cops to file a missing person report.

• Jess did not help her because Lisa did not tell Jess or any of our friends about the abuse. All Lisa told me was that she did not trust any of our friends right now (I am still not sure why and what happened there).

However, most of our friends have sided with Jason, and he is spreading a false narrative that Lisa married him for money and waited for 6 months exactly so that she is eligible for a significant alimony (based on their prenup). Everyone suspects that we (Lisa and I) planned this whole charade for Jason's money.

• Lisa left and came me because she wanted to put as much physical distance between Jason and her before she told him that she was leaving him.

• And of course Lisa and I are not getting back together. I understand the vulnerable position she is in, and I just want to make sure she is safe.

• Finally, what are my future plans? I am taking one day at a time. I luckily have a very well-paying job now and do not have to worry financially supporting her for a short time. However, I do understand Lisa cannot live with me forever and we need to figure out something as soon as things settle down.

The comments kept coming.

Brenda_meevaquez wrote:

Whoa, what a wild ride. Although it seems like you made the right decision in blocking her at first, I'm happy you were able to intervene and support her during her difficult time. It's terrible when people put their reputation before the welfare of others. I'm sending Lisa my best wishes and hoping that everything turns out well for her in the end.

OP responded:

It is just crazy to see Lisa go through so much in the last few months, and no one is standing in her corner. I also hope she finds strength.

abjudicateu wrote:

Okay, she should not be living with you. You are not her savior. Maybe what she’s telling you is true and maybe it’s exaggerated to gain your sympathy. She needs to end her marital relationship and deal with her baggage from that before jumping back in with you.

All of the reasons she threw you over for her husband still exist. She is still married. Period. she can go live with her parents. If he has money and she doesn’t it could be a long messy divorce. Step back and let her deal with her crap.

Byzfan wrote:

NTA.

Still, you are white knighting. Stop it. Do you have any proof of her claims? Yeah, bad stuff happens. But she needs to be out of your home. There are shelters and other services. The longer she's there, the worse it will look in court.

Almost six months later, OP shared another update.

I wrote about my ex Lisa contacting me 7 months ago. She just wanted to be friends, but I ended up ghosting her because he was married. She was able to escape her marriage and I had been helping her over the last 7 months to get her life back on track. A lot of you have been messaging me for the last few months regarding the update. I think we have some resolution now and, in my opinion, a semi-happy one.

After Lisa left Jason around 6 months ago, she came to my town. It looked horrible as I was her ex boyfriend and her parents and our friends flipped on us. It did not help that Jason (her husband) went around telling everyone that we were having an affair, and she left him for me.

In reality, Jason was a#$sive to her and her parents and most of our friends refused to help her. She reached out to me because I lived halfway across the country, and she just wanted to get some distance from the situation before filing for divorce. I took everyone's advice, and we got her an apartment near me immediately after I wrote the previous update.

Her mom refused to acknowledge the situation and called her a lot of names, but her dad secretly helped her financially for a while and she was able to get on her feet. Jason kept on harassing her and leaving nasty messages, and suddenly trying to love bomb her and sending her flowers etc. Lisa filed for divorce around 4 months ago. Initially, Jason tried to fight it and make her life hell.

However, Lisa gave all the evidence she had against Jason (text messages, proof of him cheating, etc) to her lawyers and they negotiated with Jason's lawyers for an uncontested divorce. I think all the paperwork is in now, and we are just waiting for the courts to finalize the divorce now.

This is where it got really complex. Lisa's lawyers filed for alimony and Lisa will be getting a significant payout a long as she signs an NDA and not share the text messages and pictures that her lawyer used as leverage. It's significant enough that Lisa will not have to ever worry about money again. Lisa agreed to the NDA as a clause for getting a quick uncontested divorce.

As soon as the news of the divorce came out, news spread that Lisa, and I were having an affair and planned the whole marriage charade to get money from Jason's family. I know many of Lisa's friends who are from her hometown sided with Jason and sent Lisa some really nasty messages.

Lisa's family also has been harassed by everyone in their town, and they lost a lot of friends due to this. Lisa's mom went nuclear on Lisa and me and accused us of conning Jason. Her dad has also cut all contact with her after the divorce details were finalized. We cannot share any of the messages to prove her side as she has already signed the NDA.

Regarding Lisa and me, when I saw Lisa in trouble, I jumped immediately into saving her without an afterthought.

I feel the part or me that loved her never went away. I did not tell her that, nor did I bring up dating.

However, Lisa came and kissed me when I was cooking, and we just could not control our feelings. Even though we have been romantically involved for the past 4-5 months, we have decided to take it slow and wait until Lisa heals before thinking of any next steps. I feel Lisa is in a lot of traumas and we are just bonding over that.

We do not know what to do here. On one hand, we want Jason to pay for what he put Lisa through. However, Lisa is now like a social pariah and suffering depression. She is in therapy, and I just feel so bad for her. I would love to get some perspectives on what I can do to make Lisa feel better. I feel she is just caught up in a rock and hard place.

The internet was fully invested in OP's update.

nylonvest wrote:

She might want to talk to a lawyer to get advice on what she can and can't say. For instance - she can't show these messages and PROVE that he was cheating on her. But can she SAY he was cheating on her? Can she SAY he was ab#$ive? Can she reference that she has proof if she doesn't show it? Surely she can say he's a liar.

She should defend her reputation as much as she legally can given the deal she made... but only to people who seem open to hearing it. I don't know, for instance, if her parents are open to hearing it, which is just awful.

OP responded:

According to the lawyer, it's advisable to not say anything at this point as it may derails the proceedings. We had told this to her mom and her best friends in the past (before filing) and they all sided with Jason anyways.

Sunshine-n-gumdrops wrote:

He can’t use the NDA to defame her. Take him back to court and sue.

Beachyboy442 wrote:

First post: she left because she deserved an affluent lifestyle...with the rich guy. Suggest you are OVERINVESTED and ATTACHED. She is, like many divorcing women, wanting to have a "Fall Back Guy"...until she gets on her feet, gets the money and wants to start "Living Again". Divorcing women are needy....for awhile.

You been dumped once...why not twice?

Been single 20+ years...seen a lot of women use a caring giving guy for security and comfort...until they get to feeling better and move on. Happens daily.

You are in a very vulnerable position...major red flags all over this whole situation.

Suggest you keep your eyes open, stay neutral,(too late). This will be a valuable "Learning Experience" for YOU!!!