'AITA for going out to eat when my husband is working late shifts? He is upset about it.'

"AITA for going out to eat when my husband is working late shifts?"

My husband and I work different shifts. I worked first shift and he works a late second shift. So we don’t often eat dinner together because he leaves for work right before I get home and he gets home from work after I am asleep. We also have very different tastes in foods.

He has a more basic, American food based diet and he also loves seafood. I love foods from other cultures, but I don’t like seafood. Because of this, when we are home together we cook different meals and eat it together. If I make something he likes, I’ll ask if he wants some. If he makes something I like, he does the same.

But we always eat together on our days off, whether it be eating out on a date or eating cooked food at home. We’ve been doing this for years and it’s worked. But since we work different shifts, 5 to 6 days per week, I am eating dinner alone. I usually cook, but a couple times per month, I go out to a restaurant that serves food he doesn’t like to have dinner.

When we are talking later, I usually tell him how I had something from a restaurant and he asks how it was and I tell him. No biggie. The other day I was out trying a Peruvian restaurant recommended by a coworker.

My husband and I had looked at the menu and he didn’t see anything he was particularly looking forward to on it, so I added it to my list of places to go when he works. And I went that day. He got out of work early and called me and I told him where I was. And he got mad.

I finished up and went home and he was upset and asked how long this has been going on for. I was confused because he knows I do this. But apparently he thought I did pickup or delivery. I tend to eat in because I don’t want dishes at home. He also can’t really explain why he is so mad, but it seems he’s mad I’m out dining alone? I just go out, get food, and read while I wait and eat.

Then I come home. It’s always food he won’t like as well, so I go alone so I can have it. He hasn’t been really talking to me since it happened. The conversations are short and cold and it makes me feel like I did something wrong by doing this for years and not specifying I eat in the restaurant to do it.

He has never acted this way about anything else, he has always been very kind and willing to work through any issues we have. So I am not sure what’s different with this. AITA for going out to eat alone and not specifying to my husband that I ate in the restaurant?

The internet had a lot of thoughts.

No-Maintenance4383 wrote:

Mm going to a restaurant alone with a book sounds fantastic. And no, you’re NTA and I can’t think of a single reason why this would bother your husband. Super weird.

OP responded:

It is nice! Reading is peaceful and passes the time so fast. And when I eat it in the restaurant, the food is fresh and better. It’s something I enjoy to do.

simonerochabowearing wrote:

I loooove taking myself out to eat with a book it's so nice. My parents have been married for 40 years and she does the same thing all the time too, my dad has very different solitary habits (walks with podcasts, browsing home depot) but still does stuff on his own plenty - frankly I think their independence is part of why they have such a healthy marriage and never get sick of each other's company.

Do you have other hobbies that you do alone or is this the only time you're out and about without him?

OP responded:

We both value and love our independence. We do things together and love it, but also we both like doing things on our own. This was one of mine.

Arbor_Aribicae wrote:

The only thing I can think of is that he thinks you might be dining out alone to try to attract male attention and is getting mad at you because he doesn't really have a good reason for how he feels, especially since you told him ages ago. NTA.

OP responded:

That crossed my mind, but also he’s never shown jealousy before. I also tend to read or use my phone as I wait and eat. I also don’t dress up, I go in my work clothes which is jeans and a shirt and no makeup or special hair. Nothing fancy.

I just want a fresh meal.

SummerofMayhem wrote:

I think he sees it as you having a nice date without him. He thought it was just food, but you're having an enjoyable time by yourself and not yearning for his company in order to have a nice experience.

OP responded:

But he also does that. And I know it, because he has said it. We both acknowledge we enjoy time by ourselves doing whatever. We also love spending time with each other. He knows I exist without his company and I know he exists without mine. We aren’t codependent.

SlappySlapsticker wrote:

Not an ahole for doing what you've been doing, it sounds delightful. Not sure your hubby is an ahole per se, I do wonder what impact finding out you've been dining in alone has had on your hubby's beliefs? Hope y'all can figure this one out, sounds like the rest of your relationship is going okay. "he has always been very kind and willing to work through any issues we have" sounds pretty wholesome.

OP responded:

I can’t figure out why he is mad. I’ve tried asking and I can’t get a clear answer as to why. It might be because I never specified sometimes I eat at the restaurant and don’t do takeout or delivery?

But also I will tell him I ate food from somewhere and that place doesn’t do takeout or delivery, so it’s clear I ate there. I wasn’t trying to hide anything, I just didn’t know I needed to specify I didn’t eat it at home.

AntheaBrainhooke wrote:

I'd want to know why he thinks your saving the cost of delivery (and the extra time and the possibility your food is cold/the order is wrong/the food doesn't come at all/the delivery driver is a weirdo) is wrong.

OP responded:

It’s not a money thing for sure. We both make decent money and if I eat out, it always comes out of my fun money. We pay bills on time, some we pay more than the minimum, and we save money. We are comfortable. I don’t think it’s about that.

hotmessifyouwill wrote:

NTA. Eat what you want to. He’s a big boy, he can feed himself. Let him figure it out for himself.

OP responded:

It’s not even an issue of him having to feed himself. He always does without issue. It seems me eating in the restaurant itself is an issue. He didn’t mind when he thought it was takeout or delivery.

Both-Enthusiasm708 wrote:

Since you say you guys normally work through things I say NAH. He is borderline an ahole because he is not talking. I wondering if there is something he is feeling he can't put into words or doesn't fully understand himself. Could be fomo, or maybe he has some worries about infidelity popping up, or maybe just working different shifts is starting to have an effect.

There might be an underlying issue that he has been feeling distance in the relationship and this just amplified that feeling. You guys can hopefully just need to sit down and have a conversation. Just to make sure there isn't some underlying issue. But eating out by yourself isn't an ahole move.

OP responded:

For FOMO, I only go to places I know he wouldn’t like to eat at. And we do eat out together other times. For fear of infidelity, he has never once shown that. He knows I wouldn’t do anything. I’ve also never been approached while eating out alone. The only time I have was when we were at bars together lol.

And I’d always go back to him and tell him and he always thought it was funny. He’s never had an issue with that because he knows he can trust me not to step out on him for some rando at a bar.

I’ve been trying to talk about it for days but I agent gotten an answer.