'AITA for hiding money from my husband? He's now calling me a liar.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for 'hiding' money from my husband?"

My husband is out of work. He does odd jobs around town to bring in a few hundred dollars a month. I am employed, but the job doesn't pay well. Saving money is hard. A few months ago we had a bc failure and now we are expecting. Saving money became an even bigger priority for me.

My husband seemed to want to spend more because he said my pregnancy was causing him stress and activating his anxiety and depression and partying helped. He says all of that will be over when the baby comes. Husband received a really generous job offer recently. He decided to use the money I had been saving. He figured he could replace it with the first several paychecks.

He never contributed a penny to that savings fund. Husband claims that since we're married it was "our money" and he had every right to it. The job offer fell through. Husband then admitted he took my money. It took me months to scrape that together and he blew threw it in two weeks.

His friends have been telling me that I'm not allowed to be upset because we're married so that money was "marital property." I have also been told that husband needed the money more than I did because it helped him cope and I should just be glad he partied instead of worse. Husband said that he will not touch any future savings for the sake of the baby.

It all came to a head last weekend when husband ran out of cigs. I ended up scrounging together change to buy his packs so he could make it until I got paid. Husband did not believe that I was broke. While I was at work on Monday he went through our apartment to look for any money I may have hidden. He found 20 dollars in a winter coat I had in storage that I had forgotten about.

He also logged into my online banking and saw that I had money in my account. But that money was earmarked for a bill. He called my work twice to yell at me and then chewed me out when I got home. He told me that I am a liar and that I withheld something that he needed.

I tried to explain that I had no clue that there was any money in my winter clothing and that the money in my bank account was for a bill. He didn't care. At least two of his friends have told me that I could have paid the bill a few days late if it meant supporting my husband while he's going through so much.

This morning husband told me that since I am a liar and willing to hide things from him that he doesn't feel like he needs to pay back the money that he took until I stop being such an AH to him. I really wasn't lying. As far as I am concerned bill money is non negotiable. AITA for not telling him about the bill money?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Witch_fog wrote:

NTA. This guy is a piece of work. Until he can decide you and the baby are a priority, he will never change. If it's possible, move in with family or friends. He has shown you he's selfish. Don't expose your child to this unless he agrees to change or get help. He'll end up taking everything you have.

BerliosRZ wrote:

NTA obviously. What is wrong with your husband? If money is SO tight, how can he possibly justify even buying smokes? His friends are making this situation much worse and he's probably blowing up his side of the story to them to make you seem like you're not giving him any money. Make him get a job, and make him pay for his own stuff.

OP responded:

I have been told that one of his friends is spreading the idea that the baby is not his and I don't know if this guy came up with it on his own. The same guy is telling people that I am financially withholding towards my husband. It's not helping things.

Fleetdancer wrote:

NTA and run for the freaking hills. You know what's more stressful than pregnancy? A baby. There is nothing more stressful than the time right after your kid is born. How do you see your post partum time going? You're going to need to go back to work, so who's going to watch your kid while you're working?

OP responded:

I have been told that I would be a selfish mother to cut him out when he wants to be there. That he is just de-stressing.

OP wrote another comment giving more context.

He's from a southern background and his family is very "boys will be boys." My family is fundamentalist and thinks divorce is a sin. He is constantly telling our mutual friends that he would be lost without me and he doesn't know how he got so lucky to have someone who takes such good care of him.

He told someone just yesterday that he would have died years ago without me. That it's proof of what a wonderful mom I'll make.

The only person in my circle who has been actively telling me to leave him is my best friend. She likes to point out how he's talking out of both sides of his mouth. He says she's just trying to start shit. She wanted to start a gofundme for me to replace the money he took so I can leave. I told hare it's his responsibility, not hers.

Smexy-fish wrote:

Info: is your husband literally 8 years old?

OP responded:

Thirties. He thinks I was punishing him because he had an affair when he first found out I was pregnant. I have been told by friends and family that a lot of guys stray when they first find out. I'm not happy but that's not why I wouldn't let him have the money. I was just taught by my grandma that bills come before anything else.

Skitenoir wrote:

NTA I would seriously reconsider continuing this pregnancy. The stress will only get worse, not better, after the baby arrives, and I am already very, very concerned by what I've read.

OP responded:

That was considered, but I live in a state where that option is very hard to access.

alwaysabosstenesha wrote:

Why are you still with him? Are you seriously bringing a child into this mess. ESH. Him for obvious reasons and you for allowing his behavior by being a doormat. Please let my harsh words be reality check you need to see that this relationship is not right.

OP responded:

Well, according to my mother no one will ever love me but my family...and that's because they have to. I'm lucky I found anyone who can stand me at all.

bottleofgoop wrote:

NTA.. I think you need to re evaluate your relationship. If he can't pull his head in now for the sake of the baby then having the baby here isn't going to change that. The so called friends telling you that you are wrong are probably helping your husband party your hard earned money away.

It's interesting that your money is marital property to be shared...but his partying time isn't marital property to be shared? The stuff he buys isn't to be shared? Seriously, this is just an insanely worrying situation you have here. He's taking from your child and justifying it because you wanted to pay a bill to keep a roof over your heads. What more needs to be said here my friend?

OP responded:

He actually gets upset with me because I don't like to party. I'm not a social butterfly. He says that he's trying to soend time with me and I'm rebuffing him. I just don't like bars or clubs.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Is one of you a witch? Is there an AITA curse/blessing that I was previously unaware of? My husband partied a little too hard and got himself locked up this morning. Due to previous behaviour he's going to have to sit in a cell for a few weeks while they sort things out. You've all given me things to think about and the universe gave me time to mull them over.

Commenters continued to speak their thoughts.

Chocokittie wrote:

Take this opportunity to run. You admitted you are unhappy. Why don't you want to be happy? In a relationship both sides support each other and this man has done nothing for you.

He takes your money, embarrasses you at work, and is setting up your child for failure. You won't get this golden opportunity again and you will need all the time you can get to find your own support system since your family has failed to do that.

StormingBlitz91 wrote:

I'm happy you'll have the chance to figure out how you would actually want your life to proceed in a healthy manner. I hope everything will work out for you and will be less stressful. When you make any decisions regarding yourself or your child don't doubt yourself. Your overall wellbeings, you and your child, are important.

proass-ssin000 wrote:

Previous behavior? Uh...yeah, that should tell you everything you need to know. He's not a husband; he's a parasite. Do what is best for you and the baby. Those choices, alas, do not involve him.

Four years later, OP shared another major update.

I made a post on this account four years ago when things were really bad in my life. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was addicted to various hard substances. His friends who were all on his side were also doing them with him.

Here's my update to that situation: My (now ex) husband was contemplating getting rid of us both. Him getting arrested that weekend in 2020 saved my life. I've gone low contact with my family. My best friend helped me get a new job.

I met some people who helped me get a better place. My ex is still wallowing down in the gutter, but at least he didn't take us with him. My daughter was born safe, happy, and loved. Life isn't perfect, but it's so much better than it used to be.

The internet was happy to hear the update.

Prestigious-Bluejay5 wrote:

Wow! I just read your first post and again, wow! So glad that you got yourself out of that situation. He had no intention of paying you back any money. Why should he? You were married. What's yours was his and what was his was his.

All his friends telling you to support his partying were partying on your dime also. Thanks for the update. Be proud of yourself for leaving a situation where someone was literally trying to suck the life out of you.

Newacanthocephala67 wrote:

I am so very happy for you, and extra delighted your ex is still a gutter-rat to this day. I hope he has bedbugs and the runs every morning. But babygirl plz, it has been years...surely there is more to update about than a few succinct sentences. We are thirsty for details. We internet goblins cannot live without the juicy details. BUT! If it's too much, I apologize profusely for being a whiny baby.

OP responded:

There's an entire saga that's best left buried. But I will say that last I heard, he is living with one of his dealers and the guy burned almost all of my ex's worldly possessions when the dealer got upset with him.

My ex sometimes sends me emails to beg for sympathy or assistance, so I heard the "burning all of my ex's stuff" story from my ex, from the dealer who tried to get me to pay my ex's "debt", and from one of the dealer's neighbors who found me on FB. 🙄

Funny-Ostrich599 wrote:

A few questions:

1. Why did he get locked up?

2. When you say he was planning to get rid of you? You mean as in leaving you, right?

OP responded:

1. I didn't want to admit this four years ago, but I'm okay to talk about it now; he came home cross-faded and hurt the daylights out of me. I'm lucky to be alive. I suffered a permanent injury and he still only got a six month sentence.

2. No. He wasn't planning on leaving me. He was planning on shuffling us off of the mortal coil. Again, only six months for all of this. His probation officer called him one of the scariest people that she's ever had to deal with.

pienofilling wrote:

I went back and checked on your original post and I'm so relieved you got out. As much as I'm certain your life has been a slog to get to where you are now, you've made the hard choices and taken back your own life. I wish you and your daughter all the happiness you deserve!