Stay-at-home mom says her chess dream means she can't possibly help pay bills. AITA?
"AITA if I demand that she pays part of the bills?"
The context, we are a heterosexual couple of the same age (36) living together for 11 years, with a 10-year-old son. I started working my ass off as soon as we found out she was pregnant. I've been the single income in the house for 11 years now.
She never felt fulfilled being a SAHM, but she also never felt passionate and pursued any career either. Since the pandemic, she discovered an interest for chess and decided to dedicate herself to it. She then started to study/practice up to 5-6 hours a day.
Currently she typically dedicates 2-4 hours daily to it in not to mention weekend tournaments, and multiple trips to tournaments in other states that can last 3-10 days in a year. We have been investing in this hobby for 5 years, involving trips to championships, coaches, sports psychologist, books, registrations...
The initial idea was that she would try to pursue content creation related to the sport as a way to monetize her involvement with the sport, but aside from a brief period streaming, she never really invested on it, despite the fact that we bought a camera, microphone and other equipment.
She refuses to try to get income as a chess teacher at schools. She did it for 1 hour per week for about a year but decided she hated it and won't pursue it further. Other than that there is no real prospect of income in the coming years.
My job is increasingly threatened by AI and my income is decreasing. I have been warning for a few years that we need 2 incomes to maintain our standard of living. In recent years our savings have melted by 10k dollars, which is a lot of money in my country. We now only have around 6k dollars.
I'm thinking about talking to her and asking her to pay part of the bills, at least the an amount that a minimum wage worker would get, starting next year. She's free to decide how to get that money.
The problem is that this will impact her dream of being an athlete. She dreams of being well ranked nationally and participating in important international competitions, and working to help pay the household bills will certainly harm this aspect.
My question: would I be an AH to demand that she make this contribution? The toll on my mental health of being the only income is huge. There are times when this makes me have terrible thoughts about my future if you know what I mean.
I feel really bad about hurting her dream, but at the same time I feel like I've given her all the support I could and it's getting to a point where it's no longer possible. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She dreams of being an athlete at 36? Honey, that ship sailed 20+ years ago. NTA. Put your foot down.
NTA, as someone who’s been the sole income of a household, it’s a lot on a person. I don’t think it’s out of the question for her to at least contribute toward some bills. This is something that has been going on for 10 years.
I understand having dreams but sadly those don’t pay the bills sometimes. It also sounds like she is not doing much to pursue those dreams and just living the best life with bills paid. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you’re able to find a resolution that works.
NTA. She is in her 30's. It's a little late to be thinking about some sort of international athletic career. And honestly, playing chess is challenging but it doesn't pay the bills.
I’ve never understood one partner watching the other struggle alone to provide financial support for their family. Of the one working partner makes enough money, that’s a different story.
But when there is financial strain, the other partner should do all they can to contribute. Part-time and weekend work should be on the table if they are able bodied. This isn’t a time to look at jobs as something ‘beneath’ them either. Your family is struggling. Time to step up.
I love that she challenged herself to learn chess and take it to such a high level. However, she sounds spoiled, self absorbed, and a little flighty. Initially being a SAHM was your plan, but she felt unfulfilled.
Then chess, but found it too awful to monetize it. I do think a good chess coach makes good money if they put effort into it. Now she at age 36 wants to pursue a career in Athletics????? NOPE ,she is dreaming, and dreaming doesn't pay the bills.
Her ‘dreams of becoming an international athlete’?? At what sport?? She spends all her time playing CHESS! At 36, you don’t become an athlete, you retire from the sport you played your whole life. This woman is playing you so she doesn’t have to work. NTA.
Who is paying for her to go to all these tournaments, instructors, etc? If she isn't making money with her hobby, she needs to earn money to fund her hobby. She needs to participate in funding the household in some way. Be it paying bills, or if you are currently funding her hobby, she can find a way to fund herself.
It's time for you to write down all your finances, future projections, and a budget, then sit down with her and have a frank and open conversation with her. No ego on your part about wanting to give her everything and don't allow her to accuse you of not supporting her dream.
She needs a roof over her head and money to pursue her dream. That isn't all on you. It's on her too. As far as her pursuit of her passion, that's great, but do you also have a passion that you pursue, or is your life all about hustling to make ends meet? There has to be a balance for BOTH of you.