'AITA for insisting that our baby takes my surname instead of my fiance's?'

"AITA for insisting that our baby takes my (25F) surname instead of my fiance's (26M)?"

Me (25F) and my fiance Arjun (26M) are currently 5 months along in our pregnancy with our unexpected, but very welcome, first child, a daughter. Relevant to the story, I am white British and he is of Indian descent (3rd gen in UK).

We met 6 years ago at University on a group project, where we were sorted alphabetically by surname and the rest is history. Obviously, I’m not going to put our actual surnames on the internet, but they are both 3 or more syllables and begin and end with the same letter/sound. For the sake of the post, say his is Mukherjee and mine is Mulvaney.

We have decided our daughter’s first and middle names and are looking at the surname situation, which has been heated. I have always been resolute in keeping my surname, and while I always thought I would double barrel any kid’s names, given the similarity and length of our surnames, we both agree it would be really unfair for the kid as it would be a tongue twister that she would have to explain through school.

So, I suggested we use my surname as the surname and have his as a second middle name - basically on all important documentation so if he is taking her anywhere it’s easier/ won’t be called up on it. Whilst he said the second middle name was a good idea, he was angry and upset that I want to use my surname, when passing the name down is something fathers do.

Thing is, in my opinion, surnames are very linked to families and his family have made it clear that I am not welcome. His parents, despite both being born in the UK, disagree with our relationship and want him to marry another person from his culture.

I have only met them about five times, due to how deeply unpleasant they are to me and he has a distant relationship to them too. My parents and brother (24m) have been the ones to take us under their wings, be there for him and even offer up our home for a bit when he moved to our city.

He is super close to them, and my brother is one of his groomsmen in our wedding next year and I want to honour them by giving our surname to our child. I want our daughter’s surname to represent a place where she, and both of her parents, are always welcome.

He says I have a brother, who can carry on the family name whilst he has a sister who has already had kids, and I retorted saying I don’t see why that duty should only be for men? I said it’s not the middle ages anymore, and I am contributing as much money and time into our daughter, am growing and birthing her, and have a family who have supported our relationship and her unconditionally.

It became a fight so I went to my parents’ (the next town over) where I am typing this now so we could have a breather. They don’t know the situation. I get that men have come to expect to have the surname, so I feel really guilty, but I want to carry mine on too. Any advice is super appreciated, as I really don’t know what to do.

EDIT: Thank you so much for your replies, I got a message saying I should clarify the following. The first name is Western. He's had the girl name picked since he was a teenager, and all of his boy names we discussed pre-finding out were Western - albeit pretty international names.

The first name was 100% his choice, and I fell in love with it too as I realised it was a variation of my nan's name. Say my nan was called Carol, the name is Caroline. The middle name is Indian.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

sally_is_silly wrote:

NTA.

Is your family welcoming of him? Would he be open to taking your family line name on?

OP responded:

Yes, my family are very welcoming of him and he is close to them. He even asked my brother to be his groomsman.

I don't think he would want to take my surname.

jigsawsandroses wrote:

NTA. The fact that the baby follows the patriarchal line is outdated, I agree. As someone in a relationship with someone with a clunky double barreled name, big no to that too. However, you might want to consider what his surname means to him, though I do get your point about his family. It definitely needs a calm discussion. How involved is he in other aspects of the name?

OP responded:

The first name is a name that is both a family name for me and the title of his favourite song and the middle is an Indian (not specifying which language) name which is one he's always loved and goes beautifully with the first.

mariajgaitan1 wrote:

Girl…if you use both last names she’ll be fine. I don’t know other parts of the world but in Latin America we end with four last names MINIMUM. It goes name-maybe middle name-dad’s first last name-mom’s first last name-dad’s second last name-mom’s second last name, and guess what?

We’ve all learnt our names and we survived. Why are you so worried about her having to explain why she has two last names? Literally no one will care. YTA a little for this.

cold_education812 wrote:

Does your daughter have English first and middle name? If so, it's possible that he feels his culture is being erased from his baby's life.

OP responded:

The first name is Western - the title of his favourite song and a family name for me, and the middle name is Indian (not specifying which language).

Aradene wrote:

NAH. Currently 31 weeks pregnant and my partner and I still haven’t settled on the last name - the difference being for us it’s not about “I want my name” and more trying to decide which one is a better fit. What ever last name we settle on for our child will be the last name we both take when getting married (he is completely open to taking my last name despite his mother blowing a gasket of “YOU WILL NOT!”

When he told her it was a possibility. His response was it’s not 1920 and as I’ve done all the work in making the baby and he loved me enough to want to be with me forever, having my name on the table as a real option was the absolute least he could do) and haven’t locked in our first name (narrowed down to 5). Middle name was the easiest locked in almost immediately.

I think your position is fair - his family doesn’t accept you - why should your child get their name as it’s basically making you an incubator in their eyes, however if the first name is a family name for you…I see his point of keeping things fair and balanced.

One scenario my partner and I played with was making a new last name combining both our last names rather than hyphenating (mine is a hyphen and I hate it so planning on dropping one regardless) but couldn’t come up with something that sound right. Sadly though I fear this is likely to be a battle of attrition that one of you will need to cave on, and there is no right or wrong in this situation.

OP responded:

The first name was his idea too, and he has wanted to name a daughter it since he was a teenager. It happened to also be a version of a family member's name for me. Say the name is 'Caroline', my family member's name is Carol.

I know that losing the first name for him in this scenario would be out of the question, he has gone as far as having tattoos for the song and band in question. Congratulations on your baby! Hope you find a name soon :)

Fast-Chipmunk-1558 wrote:

I would never give my child the last name of the father unless married. Imagine if this relationship ends and you need his written permission to do anything for your child because she/he has his last name. Don't do it.