'AITA if I keep dodging my friend because she says my dad's passing was preventable?'

"AITA I keep dodging my friend because she says my dad's death was preventable?"

For some background, we didn’t know that my father was sick. He had been having some gas issues and his doctor put him on new medication so my family just assumed that was why he was having stomach aches.

One day out of the blue my dad was having a really bad stomach ache so we rushed him to urgent care. We thought that they would just give him so gas medicine and that he would come home with us. He never came out of the hospital The doctors tried giving him surgery but it was unsuccessful.

We found out he had cancer all over his body and he was hooked up to about 12-14 machines trying to keep him alive. My mother stayed with him and we decided to take him off the machines because the doctors said he was too far gone to save anymore. That he was in pain being alive. After he passed away I transferred colleges and started my first semester.

I met a girl who I thought was my friend and when she asked about my family it came out that my dad passed away. She immediately asks what happened and the first thing that comes out of her mouth after I tell her what happened is “wow, you don’t even seem sad.” And “if I ever lost my dad I don’t know what I’d do” She also starts asking me about the details of my dad’s passing.

Specifically about the part of us having to let him go and says this “don’t you think you could have saved him? It feels like you just gave up on him.” And “he probably could have woken up if you gave him time” LIKE WHAT???

I even told her that the doctors said that all his organs shut down and she still insisted my family was heartless to take him off the machines and we could have saved him. If there was any way to bring back my father I’d do it in a heartbeat. I miss him and think about him everyday. The fact she accused me of first “not caring” and then saying that he could have been saved was absolutely baffling.

Here’s where I might be TA I was completely appalled and I haven’t spoken to her since. She keeps asking me to go out to parties with her and I keep dodging her. I feel like a complete AH avoiding her and I think she’s getting upset I keep dodging her. So Reddit, AITA?

Also, I forgot to mention that she might have been saying this because of a religious thing? She just came here this semester from another country and I forgot to mention in my previous post she said that taking him off the machines and ventilator was “playing god.” I personally don’t believe this because he was able to breathe for about an hour before taking his last breath and passing without any help.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

katana_x wrote:

NTA, but in a way I can see where she's coming from because she's still alive and she's brain d--d. I'm very sorry for your loss.

OP responded:

Thank you I really appreciate the support ❤️

staygoldsodapop wrote:

My mom passed when I was 17. People in college said the absolute dumbest shit to me, especially saying that I didn't seem sad enough. People seem to expect very performative grief where you become visibly sad every time you mention it.

They don't understand that you've had to mention it a hundred times and it's not sustainable to cry every time. This "friend" is not empathetic and is not worth your time. I completely relate to the experience you're going to, but the good news is that people will mature. Almost no one has said this kind of thing to me since my 20s. Hang in there!

OP responded:

THIS COMMENT. She assumed I wasn’t sad because I was at college and doing my classes. I told her that my dad always wanted to get a good education. Just because I’m trying to better my life doesn’t mean I’m not sad.

Grief is a private and intimate thing and I don’t want people feeling sorry or underestimating me because of my situation. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m happy people aren’t bugging you about it anymore.

Homologous_Trend wrote:

This girl is being ridiculous and unkind. The only thing you did was save your father unnecessary suffering. You did the right thing, people do not survive in that situation, they just suffer.

I would continue to ignore her, but if she asks why, I would tell her, "contrary to your opinion I am very sad about my father's death and I don't want anyone in my life that questions that, or who has the audacity to blame my family for following the advice of his doctors, people who actually know what they are talking about, to reduce his suffering."

"This topic is not open to debate. Unfortunately I can't unhear your thoughtless, uneducated and hurtful comments and we can't be friends. I am surprised that you want to be friends with someone you judge so harshly."

OP responded:

Lol your comment made me giggle. Honestly I’m still super conflicted about how I’m gonna handle all this 😭

RefrigeratorObserver wrote:

Just tell her. She'll probably be defensive but that's not your problem, you can block her after. And she'll start avoiding you. People don't learn to not be horrible assholes if no one calls them out on it. NTA but talk to her instead of ghosting.

OP responded:

Yeah originally I just didn’t wanna bring it up because I didn’t want drama, but I don’t want her to think she can do this to someone else.

Mathhews95 wrote:

Uhm. Be an adult and shut her off. You can tell her "what you said back then was very unkind and unwelcome, so don't contact me again."

OP responded:

I’m just afraid of the drama that would come with that. I’m really conflicted on confrontation. Because on one hand I can just go on living and never see her again. Or start drama at college and have her talk s#$t.

Wesmorgan1 wrote:

I get the distinct impression that you're going to get drama no matter what - you might as well deal with it up front, instead of waiting for her to start something.

OP responded:

I think I might float it through text so I don’t have to deal with her in person at least.