I (29f) met my fiancé Kevin(32m) six years ago when Joe was 2. I wasn’t planning on dating a single parent as I felt I was too young to be a parent in any capacity, but I fell in love with Kevin and when I eventually got to meet Joe, I fell in love with him too. Joe’s bio mom was not in the picture from at the time. She wanted absolutely nothing to do with Joe. When I met them she hadn’t seen Joe for a year and a half.
For the past six years she hasn’t been in touch with Joe or Kevin at all. I’ve helped raised Joe all these years. I see him as my own, I love him as my own. He calls me mom. In every way except for biologically, he’s my son and I’m his mom. In February this year we even made it legally official with adoption. It was honestly the best moment of my life.
In the beginning of summer Joe’s bio mom contacted Kevin and asked if she could see Joe. We discussed it and decided that we would give her a chance. Maybe she had needed some time to grow up. Kevin and Joe met her and it was fine. All was good at first, I even met her and she was perfectly nice and lovely. But the last few weeks something has changed.
Joe and Kevin has spent more and more time with her at Kevin’s insistence. I have not been there. Joe had started acting out more than he ever has before and I’ve been suspecting it’s because of bio mom's influence. I feel like this was confirmed on Tuesday when Joe said he didn’t have to listen to me because I’m not his real mom. It hurt a lot but he’s a child so I can’t be too angry with him.
I talked to my fiancé about it later and that I felt like maybe they should cut down a little on the time spent with bio mom and have me be there in the future. We got into an argument and when I repeated what Joe had said he responded with “Well technically you aren’t his real mom.”
It felt like a punch. I couldn’t believe and still can’t believe he said that. I was so hurt that I just left to stay at my parents place and have been here ever since. I’ve tried talking to Kevin and he’s apologised over and over again but I just can’t get over that he sees me like that?
I have talked to Joe and said that I just need some time away but that I love him very much. He’s so sad and there’s nothing I want more than hold him but every time I think about going home and seeing Kevin, knowing what he said it makes me sob. Am I awful for needing some space? I feel like a terrible mother but I don’t know what to do?
imothro wrote:
“Well technically you aren’t his real mom”.
Except you adopted him, so "technically" you ARE his real mom. Are you sure your fiance isn't sleeping with his ex? What he said was relationship-ending and cruel. You are NTA for needing space. You guys need couples counseling immediately.
murphy2345678 wrote:
NTA. Your fiancé screwed up and needs to limit the bio mom’s involvement if she is negatively influencing your relationship with YOUR son.
Wonderful-Set6647 wrote:
NTA first consult a lawyer. Know your legal rights when it comes to your child. Because he is your child. You get a say so on how he is raised. Then find a couples counseling and figure out if this relationship is but the fact is even if the relationship is over your still that little boys mother.
I am not saying your feelings are valid. I am not saying you should take some space but personally if I where in your position and you love your son then I suggest you get up and dust your self off and make damn sure they do not push you out of your child’s life.
He let you raise this little boy. He let you fall in love with this little boy. And most importantly he let you adopt this child. He is legally yours. So in this order contact a lawyer asap. No your legal options. Go home. Going home does not mean you forgive dad it means you do not want dad to make a case of abandonment against you. And take care of your little boy. Do exactly want the lawyer tells you to do.
Dry-Measurement-8425 wrote:
NTA - You've done more for those two than this "real" mom ever has. With the kiddo that is normal I have a daughter and my current GF has a daughter.
My GF daughter's dad lives in a different state, he's a good guy and tries his best but he isnt there because he lives so far which is all fine. However when he visits we expect a bit of an uptick in bad behaviour. It is normal, I did the same thing with my adopted parents. Don't sweat what the kiddo said much.
As for your Fiance, he needs to do some serious apologizing and compromise. I would lose my mind if my GF said that to me. Especially when we give them all we have and treat them like our own. Sounds like the ex may be doing some influencing on the side to try and sow discord in your guys relationship. You sound like a lovely woman and they are both lucky to have you!
Hello, it’s been a while but I have been thinking more about the post I made recently, I never really stopped thinking about it to be honest but I wanted to focus on real life and not what to write to strangers online. I really want to thank everyone that commented and shared their opinions. Even the more outlandish ones.
I won’t bore you with all the details of the past year and try to keep this short but I wanted to give an update because so many have reached out and asked how I’m doing which is so nice.
The night I made the post I went back home to Kevin and Joe. It was emotional but I needed to do it. Joe was already asleep but Kevin was up. He was so apologetic and cried a lot. I told him we needed to talk, but not that night because we were both exhausted.
We were gonna have a few “normal days” for Joe’s sake and then send him on a sleepover at his grandparents so we could talk. I also told him I needed a mother-son date with Joe. The next day me and Joe went to the zoo together and spent the day having a blast. I did explain to him(in a kid friendly way) that his comment had hurt me a lot.
He was very sorry and confirmed what I thought which was that his bio mom had made comments like that. We talked for a long time(you know, for a eight year old lol) and I asked him if he wanted to keep seeing his bio mom and he gave a shrug and said she had been fun at first but he didn’t like when she told him off/yelled. Didn’t love that she was doing that.
I won’t try to explain the whole conversation here but I think it was a good one. He’s such a sweet sensitive little guy and nothing makes me prouder than being his mom.
Me and Kevin did have a long, emotional conversation the night we Joe went to my parents. Joe’s bio mom was (and is) very manipulative. I’m not equipped to diagnose her but narcissistic isn’t far off. He was not sleeping with her as many of you thought.
Kevin and her relationship was not good, toxic I want to say, and the way it ended, with her giving up all custody/parental rights of Joe, was difficult for Kevin and he struggled a lot as a single father. He admitted he never quite healed properly from her but didn’t really notice it until she came back. She manipulated him again and it all brought back so much baggage he thought he left behind him.
He said he knew there was no excuse for what he said and he wishes he never said it but everything was too much and confusing. I said I wasn’t ready to forgive him but I wanted to work with him. I know this will disappoint some of you who wanted me to leave him but I cannot give up on this man who has been so wonderful for years over this. I felt like we deserved a chance at fighting through this together.
The next day Kevin contacted Joe’s bio mom and said we needed some boundaries with her. He said he felt she had manipulated him and his emotions and he couldn’t allow her in Joe’s life with the way she was acting. We decided that going non contact with her for the time being was best for us and Joe.
(We talked to Joe about this first). Thing is, she disappeared without an answer to this. Literally nothing, changed her number and everything. I’m not sure what happened but we do have a plan if she ever decides to come back again. We’re a team through and through. We contacted a couples counsellor/family therapist and working with her has been great.
We have done it just me and Kevin as well as with Joe. Kevin has apologised profusely more times than I can count. Kevin has also been to individual therapy which he says has been good for him. It’s been a pretty intense couple of months with a lot of personal growth from both of us but I believe we’re on the other side now.
I have forgiven Kevin and we are moving on, together and better. Also, the reason I decided to update today is I just found out I’m pregnant!!!!! I literally have told no one because I want to tell Kevin and Joe first (well, second now) in a cute way but haven’t figured it out yet. I’ll think of something, but life is pretty damn good right now so I hope you all have a wonderful day/night/morning :)
ladylceis wrote:
I am so glad you all worked things out! I am sure you will be a great parent to J and your soon to be little bundle of chaos! Best wishes and congratulations!
littlelgurl wrote:
This is a wonderful and heartfelt update! It's inspiring to hear how you, Kevin, and J have navigated such a challenging situation with love, communication, and determination. Your dedication to each other and willingness to seek help and grow together is truly admirable.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Your family is a beautiful testament to resilience and the power of love. Wishing you all continued happiness and joy as you embark on this new chapter together.
3veryonepasses wrote:
I am genuinely so happy for you! This was such a difficult situation but you handled it like a pro, and I’m so glad you all decided to go to therapy. It makes things so much healthier for everyone, and considering what J has been through, having therapy at such a young age can and will help him tremendously.
Congratulations on the pregnancy too! I hope you are healthy all throughout and can welcome the new baby into a healthy home with love and understanding ❤️
Single-Vacation427 wrote:
With the past of this woman, the fact that she is a bad person and manipulative, and she gave up all rights to her son, you should have never let her be with your son alone at all. All of this mess was basically brought in by the both of you. The kid is also too small and if he were, maybe 12 and he is interested, maybe he can meet her. But 7-8?
KnittingFairy01193 wrote:
I hope that things keep going well. I would keep up the family therapy for a good amount of time. It's possible that J will have mixed feelings over the baby in terms of worry that he'll be replaced and with puberty not being too far off (scary as that is to think!) that means hormones and even more big emotions. Having a safe 3rd party is good for him.
Original post said you met him 6 years ago when J was 2, which would make him 8 now, but then you say he's still 6 in the update. Which is it? Also, your fiance allowed you to adopt him before you're even married? What's up with that?
Possible-Gur3336 OP responded:
Oh sorry, fingers go fast sometimes!
Yes, I am not American and you do not need to be married to adopt a child where I live. You just need the consent of the person who has custody, which is my fiancé and he obviously gave it to me as well as the court believing it is in the best interest of the child. I am not sure if I’m using the right English terminology here because it is not my first language.