'AITA for leaving a wedding early?' 'The whole family is kind of in a fight now.' UPDATED
"AITA for leaving a wedding early?"
I (25F) and my partner Alex (24M) went to his brother Luke’s (30M) wedding this past weekend, and I left early which has caused a lot of drama with his family. I have been dating Alex for 3 years and we’ve been living together for 2.
I think I’m pretty close with his family; I go to every holiday, we visit his parents very often, his mum often takes me out for lunch & we run errands together, I talk to Luke & their sister both almost every day, we house/dog sit for Luke & Tanya (30F, Luke’s now wife) often, etc. I talk to Tanya all the time, we go out for coffee dates, etc. We were pretty close, I think!
Anyway, the wedding. I’m Alex’s plus one, he’s a groomsman. I am not invited to the ceremony, but that’s alright, I figure there’s limited space. I arrive to the reception and the plan was that I was sitting with Alex & Luke’s & also Tanya’s parents, since I know them both well.
Change of plans last minute, I’m actually moved to a table in the corner with the DJ & whichever cooks & servers were taking their break at that time. I will admit I was hurt and feeling anxious since the reception was huge & I wasn’t around anyone I knew (I am pretty socially anxious in crowds & with strangers), but I sucked it up & made small talk & was pleasant in general, because it’s not MY day.
After dinner, parents’ table was only about 3/4 full because some couldn’t make it, so they invite me over. I go to sit with them, but Tanya pulled me aside and said I can’t sit at the family table because photographers will be taking photos.
Alex tries to come dance with me but Tanya tells him that he should stay at the wedding party table so that it isn’t empty for photos. Luke, the groom, eventually asks if I wanna dance with him since I’ve been sitting alone & he considers me his bonus little sister...
...and he wants a dance with all of his family members at his wedding, but Tanya rushed in after about 30 seconds of dancing and pulled him away for something important.
I was getting the hint at this point, it was pretty clear I wasn’t very welcome here, but I still don’t know why. I caught Alex quickly to say I wasn’t feeling well and I’d see him at home, I made my goodbyes, congratulated Luke and Tanya for their wedding, and ducked out.
Well…Alex is pissed at Tanya, because I told him everything after a cooling down period. Tanya is pissed at me for leaving early. Parents seem to be mad at me for “refusing to socialize;” I haven’t told them anything.
Luke apologized to me but is otherwise staying out of it. The whole family is kind of in a fight now, I feel like it’s my fault because I left early, but I don’t even know how anyone noticed with how many people were there, I honestly figured I wouldn’t be missed.
I was just honestly really uncomfortable and really didn’t want to be there anymore, but I guess it was a wedding and maybe I should have just sucked it up. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Impossible_Rain_4727 said:
I could be wrong, but it kind of sounds like Tanya doesn't want you in any of the wedding photos because you and Alex are not married (which in her minds means uncommitted). She is worried that you two will break up and she will have a random ex-girlfriend of his in all of her wedding photos. She treated you rudely, why would you stay? NTA.
CrazyCranberry3333 said:
This is absolutely insane. I think the entire family deserves to know why because you shouldn’t be the one thrown under the bus because this woman has severe self esteem issues. How incredibly embarrassing. NTA.
22PoohBear22 said:
NTA. I would make sure everyone in the family is sent that text.
Infamous_Ninja_6158 said:
NTA Of course you dress up for a wedding and try to look nice. If the bride can't cope with guests looking nice she should elope. Your SIL is an AH. You were right to leave.
HootblackDesiato said:
Not your fault. Tanya was deliberately singling you out and treating you shabbily. Furthermore, it seems as if she wanted you there just to to s**t on you. She marginalized and excluded you when you were there, and criticized you for not being there. In your position I would explain your reason for leaving early to Alex & Luke's parents. Let her be the one to bear the brunt of the drama. NTA.
ScoobaChick28 said:
NTA. Considering that you’ve been living with Alex for two years, he could very well be your future husband. Which means that his family will be your future in-laws. That being the case, you absolutely need to let them know how Tanya treated you. They need to understand exactly why you left early.
I feel quite confident that if they are as hurt as they are over you leaving early, then them knowing your reasons would only make them understand, and not be angry with you. If anything, I suspect they would be angry with Tanya (like Alex is).
There is another comment already saying that Tanya probably thinks that since you’re not married to Alex, you could potentially break up with him and then she would have a random ex-girlfriend in the photos, and that’s probably her motivation. I definitely agree with that comment.
However, that is not the way she should’ve treated you, even in that case. Attempting to make sure that you were not seen in any of the photos and relegated to the serving staff table is absolutely horrible treatment!
Plus ensuring that your own partner wasn’t “allowed” to dance with or socialize with you, and leaving you alone? The only AH here is Tanya. Having said that, Alex should have stood up for you and insisted that he be able to dance with and socialize with you that evening.
UPDATE:
Oh boy, big update if anyone is interested. Like many of you suggested, I sent family the text I received from Tanya. Parents apologized profusely, but that’s not even the half of it.
I guess Tanya denied sending me anything & said I made it up because I never liked her, Luke went through her phone & ended up finding a lot more. Apparently Tanya has been cheating for a while, Luke found messages, and he’s going to come over shortly to stay on my & Alex’s couch for a bit.
That’s all I’ll say, this has officially gone way further than I thought it would. Thanks to everyone that gave me support and advice!