'AITA for planning on leaving him without warning? I no longer have the energy to talk.' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for planning on leaving him without a warning because I no longer have the energy to talk?"

I'm (F26) leaving him (Mike M31) tomorrow. I'm tired of taking crap from his family while he won't lift a finger to at least stand up for me. His sister has a strong personality that she has used in every way possible to destroy her own marriages. I'll call her Darla (F37).

She's articulate, learned a trade and is very outspoken. She could be out there making a living but she chose to be a SAHM, no job, fighting her ex for child support and using her sharp tongue to insult people.

She complains about being short of cash but turns away working opportunities. You can't say anything without being worried that she will think it's about her and she doesn't respect other people's opinions. For example, she had a major crisis two years ago when her ex left her. She was triggered and alternated from tears to rage.

Their mom asked me for advice in terms of what to do because they were contemplating sending her to a mental clinic but she refused. I said maybe she could use a distraction to help ease her pain. I said maybe getting a part time job could bring her back to herself and if she liked it, it would help her keep her mind off what was happening.

Days later, Darla decided that I was the enemy, that I had insulted her and that I implied that she was crazy and the root of her mental breakdown was her being jobless (Mike's words). She also decided that I shouldn't talk to their youngest brother (Tim M30) and I both became her “foe” and lost Tim (we were friends) in the same week.

Mike supported her and told me that Tim and I shouldn't talk so much “because it was weird." Tim and I were very good friends and his wife was almost always included in our interactions. The whole thing left me feeling embarrassed and like I'd done something dirty.

I'm sick of having to deal with Mike's attitude every time he visits his family. Our last big argument took place after he came back calling me controlling and (because I asked him to stop drinking because he gets belligerent and has said very hurtful things) and a liar (when my arrhythmia got triggered after a huge argument and I asked him to leave me alone because I wasn't feeling well due to anxiety).

We've been living together, I don't have a lot of things to take with me but I paid half of everything and paid for groceries in full and for the electricity bill. No matter how much I contributed, I wasn't treated like an equal and his mother told me that no matter “who or what” happens, her son is clear about his main “priorities”. After this, I got the ick and decided to leave him.

I've been sleeping in the guest room for three months. He has tried to initiate intimacy. I treat him politely but I already lost my impulse to save our relationship. I'm sad but looking forward to ending this. I found a new place and will move out after he goes out for his morning workout. I already removed my documents and other important stuff and whatever I keep at his place fits into my car.

I'm planning on letting him know after I'm gone but I never thought it would come to this and I'm a bit concerned. Not that I'm trying to justify or protect him but I know it will be a blow to his ego and I don't want trigger his emotional imbalances. I'm mentioning this because I've seen how he gets when his friends brush him off.

Also, his best friend cut him off and he got depressed and a friend he was going to try and start a business with ended things and Mike was a little scared because he stopped eating and spent all of his free time in bed.

I don't see anything that could be said to fix our relationship. I don't have a lease agreement, I just transferred him the money every month.

My best friend says he deserves getting dumped, but sneaking out like that is horrible. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say.

[deleted] wrote:

It is not horrible. It is protecting yourself; emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. Make sure you log out of anything in his place. Change all your passwords, even if you believe he has never had access to them. Change every single one of them.

Consider talking to your bank about changing your account numbers, getting new debit and credit card numbers also. (Yes, I am sometimes paranoid).Notify the utilities you moved and get the service at his place out of your name. Put in a change of address with the post office AND directly with things life your health insurance carrier and job.

Don't let him guilt and manipulate you into feeling responsible for his feelings. He has shown you who he really is, believe him.

You are NTA.

OP responded:

I wanted to say thank you. Your advice was very helpful.

Useless890 wrote:

If you tell him, you'll just end up in a big argument and neither one will be in good shape later. Especially if things get thrown or broken. Better to avoid what upset you can.

OP responded:

This is exactly what happened but over the phone, after I left.

Avid-learner wrote:

NTA...leaving without warning is not "horrible," it's a liberating release from emotional captivity. You're saying, "I'm done being the martyr, I deserve better than this toxic situation." That's a message we should all send to our own family members and partners whenever possible. Here's to you, may your new life bring peace, happiness, and respect.

Thisweekintheregency wrote:

'I know it will be a blow to his ego and I don't want trigger his emotional imbalances'

This is no longer your problem. It should never have been your problem. Sneaking out is absolutely the safest way for a woman to leave. Good luck! NTA.

corgihuntress wrote:

First, stop worrying about him. Clearly he has a family and they can look after him. Second, you must leave him in the way that is safest for you. From what you've said, he likes to blame you, he likes to browbeat and yell at you, he likes to at least verbally attack you, and frankly with you leaving, he could become v&*lent.

You need to leave and not tell him where you are. You can leave him a note if you like, but don't do anything that will be dangerous to you. Don't put him first. You are the only one who is going to look out for you and that's what you need to do. Get out, and get safe. Contact friends or anybody who can help you. Stay away from him. Best of luck. Be safe. NTA.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Thanks for the advice and tips. I changed my mailing address as soon as I found a new place. I hardly got any sleep because I was very anxious. Last night, he tried to initiate physical intimacy by coming into my room. Thankfully, I hadn't packed anything (kept all the unassembled boxes in my closet) so he didn't catch a glimpse of anything looking off.

I did keep most of my things in that room and built a list of items around his place that I needed to load into my car. Also, I took my phone to the IT booth to check for trackers, same for my car. Nothing, which was a relief.

He left this morning so I immediately packed the boxes and my suitcases and took the rest of my belongings. I texted him about my decision once I was out and he called me immediately. He didn't take it well. He accused me of being selfish, using his family as an excuse and devalued me by calling me a cold fish for not wanting to have s#x with him.

Also, he had moments in which he apologized and begged me to reconsider but switched back to hostility.

After almost half an hour of back and forth, I hung up because he was making me both nervous and angry and I can't afford to allow this to affect my health.

I blocked everyone in his family but I'll be changing my number. I've also blocked them from my social media. I'm exhausted because my condition causes fatigue if I don't rest properly for extended periods of time. For now, I'll be focusing on other things to avoid thinking too much. I'm not interested in dating because this has left me feeling very negative towards relationships. Thanks again.

The comments kept coming in.

Equal_Factor6449 wrote:

Glad you are safe. Take care of yourself. Good luck.

Common-Dream560 wrote:

Congratulations on taking this step. Be proud of yourself - this internet stranger is. Whenever the cold fish comment gets stuck in your head - remember you are not a cold fish - he was a total turnoff! Best wishes on this new chapter

scummy_shower_stall wrote:

A word of warning, now that you've gotten out and are safe: DO NOT, under any circumstances, meet him alone to give him "closure!" he's a big boy, he can deal with his feelings on his own, it may literally be not safe for you to see him again. Do not respond to him at all. You're doing great!

Enchanting_Calliee wrote:

NTA. It sounds like you made the best decision for your health and well-being. You gave him plenty of chances to respect your boundaries, and it’s clear he wasn’t willing to do that. You’re not responsible for his reactions, especially when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt-trip you into staying in a toxic situation.

Prioritizing your mental and physical health is always the right choice. It takes a lot of strength to walk away, and I hope you find peace and healing as you focus on yourself now.