'AITA for letting my ex know I'm divorcing him by sending him an online thread I wrote?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for letting you know I am divorcing you by sending you a thread on the website that you use to ignore me?"
Hi Steffan, maybe you will finally listen. And if you're wondering if you can just speed home and stop me from doing this and leaving, it’s too late. I’m sending you this after I’ve already loaded everything in the car and left. Don’t worry, I spoke with our landlords and took my name off the lease. I’ve set up a direct deposit for the next month’s rent. After that, you’re on your own, “buddy.”
I guess you’re wondering why. I’m guessing you’ll act like you’re completely blindsided, right? Because you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and you’re a great husband and father to be, aren’t you? Well, “buddy,” let me break it down for you in a language you understand:
I (29F) have been married to my husband (35M) for five years, and we’ve been together for nearly ten. On paper, everything seemed fine, but in reality, our marriage has been anything but. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I need to know if I’m the one in the wrong here. From the beginning, my MIL has been a nightmare. She made everything about her from day one.
At our wedding, she wore white, claiming it was a "family tradition" (it wasn't). She constantly criticizes me, from my cooking to my appearance. I’ll never forget the time she called me fat at a family gathering, right in front of everyone. And what did my husband do? Nothing. Not a single word to defend me. It didn’t stop there.
She has "accidentally" ruined my belongings, including my grandmother's necklace, which she threw out because it "looked like cheap costume jewelry." She’s gone out of her way to make me feel small and unwelcome in my own home. But every time I tried to talk to my husband about it, he’d brush it off, saying I was overreacting or being too emotional.
And then there’s my husband. He’s always on Reddit, constantly giving strangers relationship advice, which is laughable considering how he treats me. He spends more time rating women’s bodies online than talking to me. Literally. And just so you know, the last pair he rated weren’t a 4 out of 10—they were a 10 out of 10.
Yeah, he’s got plenty of time to do that but can’t be bothered to remember anything about my life. He’ll forget my birthday, our anniversary, even simple things like what I’m working on or what’s important to me, but he has a perfect memory for his work schedule and things that matter to him.
When we fight, he becomes incredibly hostile and always throws in a sarcastic “buddy” at the end of his sentences, like I’m some acquaintance he can barely tolerate. And he never cleans. The house, the dishes, laundry—you name it, it’s all on me. It’s like he thinks being an adult is optional, as long as he’s got his job and his Reddit. The final straw came a few weeks ago.
I’m 5 months pregnant with our first child, a daughter. My MIL started making comments about how she’ll have to “whip the girl into shape” and how she’ll raise her to be “tough” because I’m “too soft.”
When I told my husband that I didn’t want his mother to have too much influence on our daughter, especially with the way she treats me, he just laughed it off, saying his mother “means well” and that I was “overthinking it.” But the moment that truly broke me was when we were talking about future childcare, and my husband suggested that his mother should watch our daughter while we work.
I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that, especially considering how his mother treats me, and he snapped. He called me “paranoid” and said I should “get over it” because his mother was going to be a big part of our daughter’s life whether I liked it or not. This is the same woman who believes corporal punishment is okay.
I’ve seen her h-t my husband’s nephew for the smallest things, and no one does anything about it. It’s like they’re all living in some kind of cult, and I’m finally waking up to the reality of what’s going on. If he wouldn’t stand up for me, how could I expect him to stand up for our child?
I started to fear for what kind of environment our daughter would grow up in—a place where she might be belittled or b-llied by her own grandmother, with a father who wouldn’t do anything to stop it. Oh, and did I mention that he missed our first ultrasound? His mother "needed" him to help her with something urgent. It turned out to be fixing her Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi!
He chose that over seeing our daughter for the first time. That told me everything I needed to know about where I stand in his life. So, I packed up and left. I’m done living like this. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’ve already contacted a lawyer. You can’t scare me into complying anymore because I have all those texts. You know exactly which ones I’m talking about.
So, Steffan, I wish you all the best in your future marriage—with your mother and the women of Reddit whose b--bs you don’t even deserve.
AITA for leaving my husband after he neglected me for years, let his mother mistreat me, and made me fear for our future daughter’s safety?
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
Tiny update: Steffan has seen this post. He is mad that apparently one of you found him based on the rate my b--bs thing. He has deleted his account. For any purposes, I want to clarify that I left out any actual incriminating information that could lead to d-xxing him.
Any and all people who are pretending to know me or have any incriminating information about me are lying. I am not from South Carolina, I am not moving in with any other guy, and I am also not sleeping around.
The comments quickly came in.
NosferaTouffe wrote:
Steffan, buddy....PLEASE reply and tell us how much a good boy you are! Mommy will be so proud!
sensuspete wrote:
10/10 OP
I wish you well in your new life.
Strong_Arm8734 wrote:
NTA, hope Steffan and mommywife are eternally trapped with each other. She failed raising her son into a complete autonomous human and would have tried to damage your daughter. He would have let her.
FitzDesign wrote:
So now what you need to do is send a link of this post to Stefan! Wouldn’t want him to possibly miss it. Good luck OP, you’ll be great now that you’ve lost that 200 lbs that were hanging around your neck. I’m sure mommy will be thrilled now that you’re gone and she’s gained the 200 lbs. NTA.
OP responded:
I did! Just 20 minutes ago.
aquavenatus wrote:
I wish I could give this post a Gold because this was a brilliant, “F U, I’m leaving you!” note. Not only did OP post the note where her STBX will find it and read it, but also found a very clever way to make it public!
OP, make sure all of the custody arrangements and the visitation agreements are done with your lawyer and the judge, and without your former MIL!
I’m sorry it came to this; your ex never deserved you. Obviously, NTA.
Two days later, OP shared another update.
Some people online have been pretending to know me and spreading false claims. They’ve said I’m a d-adbeat who doesn’t work and that Steffan has two jobs to support me. They even fabricated a story about a neighbor—who supposedly is a good friend of ours—saying I’ve been sleeping around and moving in with the guys I supposedly had affairs with.
None of this is true. We don’t live in South Carolina or the UK, and we’re not friends with any of our neighbors. I have never cheated on Steffan, and I work and make slightly more than him—just a dollar an hour difference. I suspect these claims might be from trolls brigading or Steffan’s friends trying to make me regret posting about this.
I am safe and staying with family, which is all I’m going to say for now. I’m working with my lawyer to ensure our safety, and that’s all I can disclose at this time. For women who find themselves in my situation and are dealing with a lease, consult with a pro bono lawyer who specializes in rental rights. That’s what I did. They can give you advice specific to your country or region.
In my case, I was able to move out because Steffan and I had both signed a lease contract and had completed the minimum rental period. After my free consultation, I worked with my landlords, who are a lovely older couple, to arrange my departure.
So don’t be scared. Or, I mean, you can be scared, but there are things you can do to protect yourself. Also, make sure to run a credit check on yourself—I did, and it’s another issue I’m addressing.
As for recent developments, there hasn’t been much new. Steffan is clearly desperate. He and my MIL have both had meltdowns and launched separate smear campaigns. My MIL has spread false claims, including that I’m an unfit mother and that I’ve been abandoning my responsibilities.
I don’t plan to answer these claims publicly. I’m collecting all evidence I have, especially since she has nothing to back up her accusations, but I have everything to back up mine. So, no, Steffan, this is not going to be a he-said, she-said situation. He deleted his account, claiming it was because one person found him. But then he told me a bunch of people sent him d-ath thr--ts, which seems contradictory.
He did send his friends to my post, and I think they sent me some unsavory DMs and comments. Allegedly. When I tried to talk to Steffan, he always made me feel like I was going crazy. Whenever I raised concerns or expressed feelings, he would dismiss them, belittle my emotions, and make me second-guess myself.
For instance, I’d come home to find that he had invited people over without informing me in advance. When I brought it up, he’d insist that he had mentioned it earlier, even though I knew he hadn’t. Another time, I planned a special meal and asked him for a specific dish, but he claimed I had requested something completely different.
When I reminded him of what I had actually asked for, he’d argue that I must have forgotten my own request. Steffan would also insist he had completed tasks that I had actually done myself. For example, he would claim he had handled a household chore when I was the one who actually took care of it.
When I pointed this out, he’d dismiss my recollection and insist that he had done it. Even in conversations about our relationship, Steffan would frequently deny things he had said or done. If I brought up issues I had with his mother’s behavior, he’d claim, “You never mentioned that before. You’re just being overdramatic.”
This made me question whether I had ever truly discussed these problems or if I was indeed overreacting. At one point, I was so convinced that I had early-onset dementia or schizophrenia that I started to question my own sanity. I felt lost and confused, struggling to distinguish between reality and his version of events. I began to document our interactions just to keep track of what was actually happening.
But Steffan would always find a way to twist things, saying, “You must be misremembering,” even though I had clear evidence to the contrary.
Feeling so powerless, I realized that sharing my story online was the only way to present my truth in a manner he couldn’t manipulate.
I wanted to ensure that there was a clear and unchangeable record of what had happened. Posting about my experiences was a crucial step in reclaiming my voice and finding support from others who might understand my situation. It was a way to take control of my narrative after feeling so lost and doubting myself for so long. Thank you all for your support during this difficult time.
The internet was invested.
TagYoureItWitch wrote:
OP keep going. You've got this. And any flying monkey of Steffan, if you see this, you're a tool. A rusty undesirable tool that's been abandoned at the bottom of a trash heap.
OP keep recording EVERYTHING. Do it for that unborn baby and for you. Don't let them win.
I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:
He’s been projecting his insecurities onto you for so long he’s freaking out that he has no one else to blame for his own glaring failures as a human being. He and his mother deserve each other, I hope they’re driving each other insane. To every flying monkey of Steffan’s… so, which one of you is next to be the guys emotional p-nching bag?
Don’t worry, it won’t be long before he’s blaming all of you for not bending over each time he demands it because ‘he’s having such a hard time right now’. It’ll start with him accusing one guy, likely the one trying to stay out of the drama, of not being ‘supportive enough’, then he’ll go after whoever says the chill guy isn’t evil, then he’ll throw whatever dirt he has in that guys face, etc etc.
The whole friendship group will implode because nothing you do will ever satisfy an abusive self obsessed AH. You’ve been warned. OP, you’re awesome, keep your arms and legs inside the life raft at all times and keep paddling away from this chaos.
FlyFlirtyandFifty wrote:
My dear OP, you have just given the classic definition of gaslighting. When someone dismisses your feelings, tells you’re “being dramatic” and tries to twist the facts to make you question what you know to be true by saying it never happened, or you’re “misremembering” things.
You are truly well rid of him. Congratulations again. Stay strong for you and your baby girl. It will be difficult for a while as you ride out the smear campaigns, but it will d-e down.
If you have to, ask your lawyer to draft a cease and desist, or go to the authorities for a report. You need as much of a paper trail as you can get. His BS is out in the open now and he is exposed for the mama’s boy he is. He can’t alter the facts moving forward, and you’re definitely doing the right thing. Just remember that.