'AITA for looking at a waitress because she reminded me of my daughter?' UPDATED

Grief will turn your entire world upside down, and make regular moments feel strangely spiritual.

"AITA for looking at a waitress because she reminded me of my daughter?"

I've (50M) been dating my girlfriend (50F) for three months. We both have been previously married. I had a daughter (20F) who passed away a year ago. My girlfriend also had a kid, a son, who died a long time ago at the age of 3. Yesterday, we were having a very good time so we decided to eat dinner out. We went to this local restaurant we'd never been to. We wanted to try someplace new.

The waitress that served us reminded me a lot of my daughter. She had the same hair colour, same demeanor, same eye colour and even her features looked slightly similar. I kept looking at her even after she walked away. I'm no creep, I wasn't looking in a s*xual way or staring at certain areas. It was just like a man looking at a child. It was purely innocent.

But I guess it was taken the wrong way, I don't know if the girl noticed but I know for sure my girlfriend did. She wasn't happy with my behavior. I know that people like that exist but we've been friends for a while before dating so I expected her to at least know that I would never look at others that way and especially not waitresses.

I tried to explain why I was looking at the waitress that much but I unfortunately had no picture of my daughter at the moment to show her. We went to my place after I tried everything to insist, I had to show my girlfriend a picture of my daughter. My girlfriend saw the resemblance and understood what I meant. She apologised for thinking badly about me. I wanna know was I wrong for doing that?

I kept thinking what if my girlfriend left and never talked to me or didn't agree to come to my place and never understood what I meant? What if the waitress noticed and felt very uncomfortable? Is it possible to even know whether the person is looking because they are a creep or just looking innocently? AITAH?

People had a lot to say in response.

Contrary_Coyotebait wrote:

My condolences OP. I've experienced this from the other side. I once had an old woman following me throughout the grocery store. I kept asking her if she needed help but she just stayed silent. Eye so big it was cartoonish. Peeking at me from around displays and shelves. She followed me to the checkout line and as I was leaving she ran up to me with tears in her eyes and asked for a hug.

Weird but if it got her outta my hair and kept her from following me home it was worth it. I gave her one and she just sobbed, like full on body heaving while I held her. I had to hold her too, she would've fallen otherwise. She apologized and explained that her son had passed away a year ago TO THE DAY and I was his doppelganger; I was even wearing the same shirt he had. Hair was the same style.

Voice. Accent. Everything. She was thinking I was a ghost at first and then a dream and then she couldn't figure out how to talk to me once she realized I was someone else and not her son. I talked with her for quite some time and she talked about fallout, which is something she would watch her son play and I was wearing a fallout shirt that he also had so it was quite an interesting experience for me and her both.

We hugged some more and I let her run her hands through my hair like I was her kid while she told me stories about her son, Austin. S**t we were both ugly crying at times. Felt suuuuper bad for thinking she was a creep at first.

I cannot imagine what it was like for her. To see a clone of your dead son randomly in a small town store wearing what seemed to be his clothes on the one year anniversary of his death...can't imagine. But when we left, hours later lol, she was very happy and seemed at peace. I feel like it was one of the better things I've done.

I started wearing that shirt every time I went to the store (just in case), so much so that everyone that knew me knew that if I was wearing that shirt I would go to the store. I think about Joanne (old lady) from time to time. Never did see her again. Crazy thing is she looked like a relative of mine too!

That was probably a good chunk of the time spent was trying to figure out how we were related. Maybe OP can talk to her. Have a picture ready so she knows hes not perving on her.

MirroredGarageWalls wrote:

No.

You're not.

I saw a dog the other day that reminded me of my best friend who passed away a year ago. I held him as he passed. He was so old he collapsed and couldn't get back up. 250lbs of dog and he'd been a presence in my life for almost 13 yrs. I saw a dog that reminded me so much of him as a puppy that I started to cry a little. The person walking the dog must have thought I was staring at her like a creepy dude.

But that was just me remembering the Doofus that used to mooch orange slices, that would drag me to my daughter's bedroom a good ten minutes before she threw up when she was sick (he had a sixth sense for her not feeling good), who would lean up against my wife as we packed the car for road trips so she couldn't move and in his doggy mind I couldn't leave her behind so I couldn't leave him, right?

And honestly, she crossed the street to avoid me as I was working in my front yard. I don't know how to tell someone I'm not staring at them because I'm attracted to them; I'm staring at the dog that reminds me so much of my best friend, who I miss every day. And that's just A DOG. This is your daughter. Your child, whom you raised and whom you lost not long ago.

Grief does weird shit to people that can be socially awkward. And that's not just okay, that's something you need never apologize for. Just that you need to explain it if it becomes an issue. Dude, I couldn't hold it together long enough to see a three month old puppy that reminded me of my dog walk down my block.

There's no f#$king way I'd be able to handle myself with anything approaching grace or dignity if I saw a young woman who reminded me of my deceased child. I couldn't imagine losing my daughter. But you get a pass on this. Just be aware that your grief can cause awkwardness, that you are still grieving her loss, and that being able to process the grief and talk about it will help.

But are you an AH? What the f##k, dude? No. No way. Nein. Nyet. And anyone who says you are is someone who is privileged enough to never have had the experience of grieving for a loved child or beloved friend.

NTA. And NAH. Just be aware that you may have to find a different restaurant if you don't want to trigger those emotions again when you're out in public. (Honestly, that dog walker is kinda terrible anyway. She's just meandering along with the dog and letting it do whatever while she surfs on her phone.

That dog is going to need hard exercise and training and he's not going to get it if she doesn't pay attention to what he's up to and keep him on the march. When I had a dog walker working with my pupper, that man WORKED the dog and went for a long, long walk at Olympic Speed Walker levels. Get off your phone, Emmy. You're not THAT pretty.)

Alarming_Reply_6286 wrote:

To answer your question…no it’s not wrong but it’s also not right. It’s simply what is or is not appropriate for the situation. You can’t decide for other people how they should feel about your choices. Also, it’s not possible to read other people’s minds or know what their intentions are. It’s your responsibility to explain what you’re thinking & accept that other people may not understand your perspective.

You made a choice to behave how you did. You have to own your own choices. Your gf was with you. If she believed that your behavior was inappropriate you should have probably been asking her why she felt that way. She is the person who has the best information about what exactly was happening.

It’s very possible that you did make people feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t your intention but other people are allowed to have their own thoughts & feelings.

I’m truly sorry for the loss of your daughter.

NaturistMoose wrote:

Not you're not, even in the least bit. Your girlfriend should be able to understand it without explanation. If the waitress felt uncomfortable you explain it and she'd be honored I'm sure.

OP responded:

My girlfriend never saw a boy that resembled her son so much, I guess she didn't picture or understand at first how a stranger might surprisingly remind you of someone.

Tfuentexxx wrote:

If you ever go to this place again and see the waitress, explain this to her, and apologize to her even if she did not notice. It won't take away anything from you. The thing is she probably noticed it, but some waitresses can deal with customers looking at them more than usual.

She will probably tell you she did not notice even if she did. But your conscience will be clean you did nothing wrong, even, when we all now you did nothing wrong.

OP responded:

Thank you.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

I posted a while ago about a time when I was on a date with my girlfriend and saw a waitress that looked like my late daughter who died a year ago. I saw myself agreeing with the comments and DMs that suggested apologising to the young lady. Especially since I was staring at her and not just casually looking around.

I went to the same restaurant and asked to see the waitress. The restaurant wasn't busy, thankfully, so not all waitresses and waiters were busy. It appeared that she did notice me looking at her and got nervous since she wasn't yet used to it. Her co-workers told her to get used to customers staring and touching.

We both apologised, I showed her the same picture, of my daughter, and I showed my girlfriend. Even she saw the resemblance and said it was so weird. It was a short five minutes talk. After that, I left and she went back to her work.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

YouSayWhotNow responded:

I'm glad it worked out.

I'm sorry for your loss. Even with friends I've lost I still sometimes think I see them when out and about, I can't imagine how hard it must be when it's your child that you lost.

NoShameAtReddit wrote:

Proud you found the courage to go back.

Sorry for your loss.

No-Cranberry4396 wrote:

I saw someone who looked just like my dad a few months ago - he died over 2 years ago. My heart literally skipped a beat, such a strange feeling. I'm sure I stared, there's no way I could stop myself. My heart broke all over again.

DawnShakhar wrote:

Good for you! You made life a little better for her.

OP is clearly NTA here, grief is just a very hard ghost to live with in daily life.