'AITA for making my son live with his mother after he verbally lashed out at my husband?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITAH for making my son live with his mother, step-dad and 3 step siblings after he verbally ab-sed my husband?"

This entire situation is kinda f--ked and honestly I'm a bit heartbroken for my husband. Real names idc I'm Sean 37m, my husband is Zack 36m, and my son is 16 (not saying his name). I divorced my ex wife after she cheated on me for the entirety of our marriage. That was over a decade ago idc anymore (son is mine already over and done). I met Zack when I was 28, my son was 7.

Me and Zack hit it off instantly. I was finally in a place to start dating again and thankfully he was the first person I was interested in. We connected on everything me and my ex wife did and a million more things. People say life has a plan for you and honestly I believe it. I'd go through a million more divorces and being cheated on over and over if I ended up with him every time.

One of the big things was my son. Zack was hesitant at first just because of the situation but he wanted a family badly and I was excited for him to meet my son. After dating for a year I talked to my ex and told her I'm introducing our son to a guy I'm seeing, told her it's serious and I see a future with him.

She was happy for me we have a very good relationship now. She just told me to tell her when I was going to do it so she can be prepared if our son had any questions for her when he visited next. Zack and my son were best friends. Did everything together. They loved playing Minecraft together they spent hours sitting in front of the TV.

I loved watching them I was so f-king happy the first person I found after my ex was this amazing. After about 6 months, I asked Zack to move in and the rest is exactly as I've been describing. Amazing. My son started calling Zack his other dad when he was 10. Very sweet moment which makes this hurt worse.

Well, last weekend my son had 3 of his friends over. They were playing video games in his room and I just left to do grocery shopping for the week, so it was just them and Zack. I don't know how this topic came up but things got very homophobic. My husband was sitting on the couch and I guess my son and his friends thought me AND him left but it was just me.

My son's room is connected to the living room so if you're sitting in the living room it's not super hard to hear what's going on in his room if he's being loud enough (4 teenage boys playing video games). One of them said how's it feel having a "f slur" (idk if I can say it or not on here) as a father. My son laughed and said kinda s--ty.

They said my husband probably touched him when he was little and my son replied "he can try it now he'll get his a-- beat" so not even being a dick to Zack but now also threatening him over something we all know he would never do. They kept saying s--t like "which one do you think takes it in the a--" "probably the "f slur" at least your real dad still likes women" just a bunch of hateful s--t.

My husband sat there listening to it all silently crying. Also Zack has spent good 4 hours a day at the gym for the last 3 years so idk who's getting their a-- beat but it ain't him. I got home about 2 hours later to my husband sitting in his car with a bag packed waiting for me so he could leave but didn't wanna leave my son alone. I asked what's going on why are you leaving and he told me everything.

I tried to understand as best I could. I insisted he wasn't serious he's just being a stupid kid acting tough with his friends but it didn't matter the damage was done. Zack left, and I went inside and went off on my son. His friends left and I spent a good 3 hours going back and forth with my son. At first he was very unapologetic and kind of agreed with his friends.

I asked if he actually thought my husband SAed him when he was younger and he said "no but kids block those kinds of memories out so really who knows." I told him to pack his s--t he's living with his mother.

Info- his mom lives 3 hours away which means new school, new friends if at all, less private space as he'd have to share a room with his step brother etc. Just everything that you'd expect going from a single kid in a house to one of 4. My son instantly changed his attitude he was crying begging me not to send him away he didn't mean it he was just lying to seem cool to his friends.

I asked why did he double down when they left and he didn't have an answer. I told him to pack his s--t he's leaving in the morning. Called my ex told her the situation and she agrees he needs something drastic what he did wasn't okay at all. Fast forward to now, and my husband is back but he cries every night. Honestly it feels like he's mourning which I don't want.

Because when you mourn you dont get over someone you get as close to indifferent as possible to keep living your life without them. I don't want that. I want my husband and my son to have that strong bond I know they have and don't want them to throw it away over this. I don't agree with what my son did but those accusations at minimum can ruin someone's life and at most end it.

I'm disgusted with my son, he calls me everyday tells me he misses me and Zack and wants to come home. I stay strong on the phone but after I break down and my husband tries to console me. Tells me my son can come back and he will leave but no I'm not doing that. I just don't know what to do.

I miss my son I miss coming home and seeing them spending time together.

I've thought about therapy for him but he said no. You can't force therapy on someone they'll just sit there for an hour and piss away 400 bucks. I need advice.

The internet offered a lot of thoughtful advice.

TheBookOfTormund wrote:

I’d be contacting the parents of those 3 other idiots too.

OP responded:

I did, told them what happened and why they came home so soon (original plan was to spend the night over). They said they'd handle it and thanked me for informing them but who knows if they actually did anything.

StonerTherapist-89 wrote:

NTA. Therapist here, but obviously everyone is different so take it with a grain of salt. Parenting is sometimes wildly difficult, and this is one of those times. You did exactly the right thing. There are so many lessons for your son to learn here. Just name a few:

He needs to not only learn the consequences of his actions but that some things truly cannot be taken back.

Trying to be cool by being an AH for absolutely no reason will not end well. It will not only alienate the people who actually care about you, but the people who get off on being unkind will eventually turn on you too.

Most people do not get along with their stepparents and he has been taking that for granted. Separately- if you let him back and Zack leaves, your relationship with your son will be forever altered as well as your son's life in general. All the love Zack has for him and their connection can be repaired once he gets his head out of his a--.

If Zack leaves, your son will know he ruined his father's relationship for the rest of his life. The guilt and resentment from that can cause HUGE problems later on in life. This can be worked on. It can be resolved.

I strongly suggest making family therapy a requirement for moving back into the house with an LGBTQIA+ friendly therapist who can get down to the root of how harmful this was and make him understand that. Individual therapy is also a great idea, but family dynamic stuff needs to take priority.

Grimwohl wrote:

This is great advice but considering the man alleged he was possibly a p-d-phile, OP's husband clearly isn't going to risk his future on someone who is capable of being that callous. I wouldn't either. This is fixable, but it doesn't mean it will be. It's not any different if a blended family comes together, and the daughter accuses her step dad of touching her.

There was literally a post 2 months ago about this exactly. He moved out, divorced the mom, and refused to stop the divorce once she confessed her bio dad put her up to it so he could f--k with the mom. Kid thought dad would come back if it happened. Newsflash: He didn't. That said, everyone told him that his future wasn't worth risking it.

Just because he didn't get a full-on accusation and an investigation doesn't mean he should be asked to risk it. I'm saying the same here. Zack said he would move out if the son came back. I think we are likely beyond counseling, at least for a while - certainly not while he's a minor. There is hope in the future though, and this is the way.

Neat-Pen6522 wrote:

Absolutely NTA. Your son is old enough to know what he said is wrong and he also chose being cool to his friends over his stepdad who has shown him nothing but love and support for more than half his life. Everything we say and do has a consequence whether good or bad and no one should be exempt from those consequences even when it hurts.

It’s the pain that teaches the lesson of how powerful our words and actions are. With that said, the consequences can be taken further to ensure that your son learns this valuable lesson. I think you and Zack need to sit down and make a list of things your son needs to accomplish this year while with his mother in order for Zack to feel comfortable with your son moving back at some point.

Some examples:

Volunteer in some sort of LGBT program for teens where he has to directly interact with them one on one. Also, counseling

A letter of apology to Zack and a separate one to you.

A sit down (probably over Zoom) with you guys, him, his mother (and her partner if she has one) where all his parents discuss how wrong his choice was.

The real life consequences to Zack that could have happened, how he broke trust with Zack and so on. He needs to see all of you adults band together on this so he can get it hammered home that you are united in this. Anything Zack personally requires from your son in order to move forward.

The harsh truth that things may never be the same with him and Zack ever again. His words permanently impacted that.

A couple days later, OP shared a major update.

This will be long. Sorry. Not going to lie entire OG post was basically a disaster. I expected a few replies with only one actually being helpful and then the post die. Didn't happen that way wish it did tho. So much back and forth and so much hate towards me being gay. I expected some but holy s--t. Disaster. I thought living in bum f--k Montana was bad with the homoph-bic s--t I deal with.

As for the update, I spent the day yesterday with my son. A lot of people accused me of not talking his claim seriously. I did. The first 30 minutes of our initial talk when this all happened was about if he actually was ab-sed. He said no.

I asked again when I got here I made sure to let him know there is no one I'd believe over him he won't be punished for saying the truth if he was ab-sed for not but I needed to know. Again, he said no he was never touched or r--ed by my husband. Onto the questions and his answers-

"Why would you say something so dangerous?"

My son said he was feeling rejected by my husband since as of late he hasn't been spending nearly as much time with him. Which is true. A large part of my husband's life is my son.

Zack tutors him, he coaches him in his sport (basketball), he goes on morning runs with my son, he used to drive him to and from school before my son got his car. They both share a lot of interests and as a kid/step parent dynamic they spend a lot of time together. Towards the end of last year's summer when my son was still at his mothers my husband talked to me.

He said he wanted to start spending more time apart but not that kind of apart. He wanted to have more of a social life he wanted to be able to do things away from us but not like separate if that makes sense. He realized my son would be leaving for college in 2-ish years and my son was such a large part of his life he didn't want to become depressed after he left with nothing to do.

I agreed, said it was a good idea and he had my full support as long as he still came home every night at a reasonable time and didn't let his relationship with my son suffer or anything. As of now, yes it is different. My son doesn't need rides to school he doesn't need tutoring he doesn't do basketball anymore. Their hobbies are still the same but my husband has been spending less time at home.

It's not like he's gone all hours of the day and comes back at 3am but he has a healthy social life idk how to explain it.

"Do you realize how dangerous it is to say something like that if it isn't true?"

He said yes and he didn't think anyone was listening he was just going along with his friend's BS. That didn't make sense to me so I asked why did he stand by his statement after I sent his friends home. He said he thought he shouldn't back down from something he says. Kind of like a ride or die idk.

I told him that's f--king stupid and never do that especially if he regrets what he said and it wasn't true in the first place. He said he knows he realized that when it happened but he just couldn't stop himself from keeping it up. It didn't hit him that it was serious until I told him he's going to stay with his mother.

"Why do you want to be friends with people that talk so much s-t about your parents?" He doesn't want to but the kids b-lly the shit out of everyone they don't like and he feels like he's in too deep to back out now. That I do understand, I had kids in my school like that.

B-lly everyone, they were cool to me tho until they found out I was gay then they f--ked my last few years of high school up. I told him I get it to some degree but he doesn't have to add in to what they're saying. Small chuckle and a "f you" is usually enough to get people to move on from something.

I also asked about them b-llying him because they kind of were. He said yeah but they're not that bad with it. They just rip into him every so often about having gay dads and I guess over time it made my son feel poorly towards my husband. The distance my husband was setting with my son mixed with his friends saying the shut they do just added up to that. I told him I understood.

I wanna make it clear, I don't support what he said. I understand the emotions behind it tho.

"Why didn't you talk to us about how you were feeling?" He said he didn't want to start anything.

My husband and him are still close he didn't know how he felt and was more confused than anything so why say something that would cause a fight if he didn't even know if he felt that way. I also understood this. At this point I think this is just one miscommunication after another. Open dialogue would have prevented all of this from happening.

There were a lot more questions but me and my ex ended with:

"Do you actually feel remorseful for what you said or are you just tired of sleeping in the same room as a 7-year-old?"

He's actually remorseful. Told me even if he was staying there all year he would still feel terrible over what he said about Zack. Reassured him again if anything did happen now is the time to speak and I will believe him again he said no. He started crying saying he just missed us. Emotional moment we hugged told him I loved him and that would never change.

Ask him to leave the room so me and his mother could talk. We decided on a month to month assessment to see when he would get privileges back ending with him coming home. There were conditions to all of this like family therapy solo therapy cutting his friends off completely which I would help with. He was against the solo therapy but came around.

He asked if Zack was here I said no but would ask him if he wanted to come next time which my son smiled at. I still agree, sending my son to my ex wife's was the right move. A lot of people aggressively disagree. Which is fine. My parenting style isn't for everyone. One of you told me I should beat the kids up tho, so like do I really care if some of you disagree with how I parent? IDK, not really.

Situation still sucks idk what to say. I miss my son. He isn't coming home right now and I wish I was leaving her house with him. As it stands right now:

son is living with his mother and her family.

He will get his phone and ps5 and car back at the end of the first second and third month in that order.

He will be able to move out of the room he's currently in, out into the guest house at the end of month four.

Every month after that is touch and go and we'll discuss at the end of each month what we think.

Son will do biweekly solo therapy and we will all do bi weekly family therapy (we see it as he should do solo therapy one week then family therapy the next).

He can come back sooner, I want him back, my husband wants him back, he's wanted him back since he left. His mother is holding strong but she also sees he's just miserable so I think she'll break at some point and give up the guest house early. It is what it is. At the end of the nightm my son asked if Zack would want to hear from him so he could apologize.

I told him yes, I've told him yes a few times now Zack would love to hear from him. I doubt he'd have to wait longer than one ring before Zack picked up. My son called him as I was leaving, so I know they spoke, IDK about what tho. When I got home Zack was feeling like s--t and blaming himself more for all of this.

I told him it's no one's fault we just needed to talk to each other more. All in all, I think my son is remorseful and he was just feeling trapped and isolated in a sh--ty situation and didn't know how to get out of. I feel for him and I wish I saw what was happening sooner.

Thank you all for the advice. Or most of you. Some of you were just nasty and hateful. Someone on my first post called stonertherapist something like that gave good f-king advice. I didn't say it on that post but if you read this good shit thanks for it. Next update will be when he comes home. Hopefully it will be soon. Thanks yall ♡

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Scary-Cycle1508 wrote:

I think my last verdict was NTA , so i can only reiterate that i do think you did the right thing. You removed your son from a situation that wasn't just hurtful to your husband, but also to your son, because the influence from those other kids was just disgusting.

Also to your husband. Its definitely not his fault. He is doing the smart thing, developing a social life for when your son is off to school. Did you talk to your son about why Zach was spending less time at home? Did he understand that it was so he wouldn't be as miserable once your son is out of the house?

avocado_mr284 wrote:

With what Zach did- the issue isn’t that he chose to develop a social life- that’s smart of him. The issue is that he pulled away from this kid he had a very close parental relationship with, and gave him no warning or explanation. That’s going to make any kid insecure and unhappy. Sure, OP could have explained this to his son.

But honestly, in a perfect world, since Zach and the son were so close, he would have done this himself instead of being shielded by OP, and would have known to do this.

Both OP and Zack did screw up here. Not on a massive level, to be clear. Just the ordinary kind of screw up which all parents, even the excellent ones, make at some point. It just sucks that it spiraled here, but I do think the b-llying and discriminatory environment at school is more to blame than this mistake.

RevolutionaryCow7961 wrote:

What your kid did is horrible, not gonna sugar coat. But what your husband did and you allowed was bound to backfire. Who the hell ever heard of pulling away from your kid because he’d be going to college in a couple of years. And your husband didn’t want to feel sad because he would miss him so much when he left.

For God’s sakes, your husband needs to grow emotionally. Way to cause your kid to have a breakdown because he suddenly feels unloved and doesn’t know why. I’m sorry what the kid said was reprehensible, but if anyone is to blame here, it’s the parents for being idiots and thinking this would ease your husband’s feelings of loss because the little boy is growing up.

He basically abandoned the kid with no explanation and pulled away, what did you think the end result would be. Consider yourself lucky he didn’t go hog wild bad kid. I’m sorry this comes across as mean but I just can’t get over doing this to a kid.

PromptNo2857 wrote:

This is one of the most extreme punishments I've ever heard for a kid's first offense. This kid was getting teased because of his parents and was never coached on what to say. And now they are punished for 4 months because a parent overheard and didn't realize the child was a v--tim too.

OP responded:

I never said this was his first offense. Most recently he asked a girl out, she said no so him and his friends egged her car. This is his first offense as in accusing someone of ass--lt when it wasn't true but I feel like that's a pretty serious thing to do and not common so idk. I doubt he will be gone for 4 months.

PromptNo2857 wrote:

He didn't accuse Zach of ab-se. He was deflecting so he wouldn't be ridiculed. He was in a position he wasn't prepared for. I know you don't want your son ridiculed and being teased about being gay at school because that's likely what would have happened if he took up for Zach.

Now, for egging someone's car, that's a physical. Not just words among friends and deserves a harsher punishment because that's ass--lt/vandalism.

mightyfinehotcakes wrote:

Thank you st-ner therapist from a fellow psyc graduate. My comment was very blunt in saying yall need to do the hard thing and go to therapy. Good job on being parents. It'll take time, but it will be time well invested for the wellbeing of your family.

StonerTherapist89 wrote:

Reading the feedback on my post was soooooo interesting. Gotten everything from being called a hero to “you’re the worst therapist in the world.” So, as I said, very interesting!