'My mom pushed me to go out to eat, then pushed the bill off on me. AITA for my response?'
"AITA? My mom pushed me to go out to eat then, pushed the bill off on me."
Today, after I finished work (I get off two hours early on Wednesdays), I was supposed to go grocery shopping for my mom. When I stopped at home, I went to her house. She told me she hadn’t received her new credit card in the mail yet, which she gets every few months because she’s paranoid about someone stealing her card info.
That usually means I end up updating all of her online payments because she doesn’t know how to use the internet very well. When I got there, she mentioned the missing card, which was fine because she has three others.
However, she didn’t want to use them for groceries. That was okay with me; I could go another day if she preferred. Then, she asked me to take her to Chili’s. Now, when my mom says “take me,” it’s understood that she usually pays. She’s financially well-off, my dad left her comfortable when he passed, and she hasn’t worked in over 35 years.
So, whenever we go out, she covers the bill, unless it's something specifically for her, in which case either my brother or I pay. Even my grown nephews will pay when it’s for her, but otherwise, my mom always takes care of the bill. I’m not being entitled, it’s just how it’s always been. I always thank her, especially since I’m not doing well financially and appreciate her help.
Before we left, I told her I didn’t have money for dinner since my refund check hadn’t cleared yet (NFCU takes 2-3 days to release funds), and I get paid on Friday. She insisted on going out anyway, and dinner was great. When the bill came, my mom handed it to me.
I didn’t have enough money, so I ended up using a Cash App loan to cover the meal. My mom then made me feel guilty for asking her to leave the tip because I only had $.30 left after paying for the food. She ended up leaving 19 $1 bills she had in her wallet. I told her to keep the ones, and I’d tip the waiter next time since I go there often and know him well.
After leaving, I was upset and speaking quietly. My mom noticed and got angry, saying I was “acting up.” I explained that I didn’t have the money and still needed gas and food for my kid before Friday. She yelled, saying that when she and my dad were together, they never fought over money.
I clarified I wasn’t fighting, just explaining that the situation wasn’t ideal. My mom has always been hard to talk to, and I’ve noticed myself getting louder when I’m upset lately, but I didn’t yell this time. I just explained the situation. She responded that I clearly had the money since I paid for the meal and that she always covers the bill, so what was the big deal?
I tried to explain that the issue was me telling her I didn’t have the money, and she still pushed for us to go out after I said I couldn’t afford it. I assumed that since she knew I was short on funds, she would cover the bill. I realize now that I shouldn’t have assumed that. So, AITA for getting upset with my mom for pushing the bill onto me when I clearly told her I didn’t have it?
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.
stream_inspector wrote:
ESH.
Communication. Don't go freaking in debt for a meal at chili's- and if you're that broke, you shouldn't be there often enough to be buddies with the waiter. Mom sucks if she has plenty of money and demands to go and then refuses to pay.
OP responded:
My job provides a weekly meeting and lunch, my boss loves chilis, therefore we are there at least twice a month.
codeverity wrote:
I don't really think hitting OP with the 'communicate' instruction is fair at all.
First:
"Before we left, I told her I didn’t have money for dinner since my refund check hadn’t cleared yet (NFCU takes 2-3 days to release funds), and I get paid on Friday. She insisted on going out anyway,"
OP told her that they didn't have money and mom foisted the bill off on them anyways and then proceeded to guilt trip them over the tip AND over calling out the fact that they didn't have money. The issue here isn't OP not communicating, the issue is their mother taking advantage and being manipulative.
OP responded:
My communication with my mother has always been an issue. You don’t talk to her, she talks to you and you do as you are told, that is the energy my mom carries and I have always been the child to do as I’m told.
StAlvis wrote:
INFO
"I was supposed to go grocery shopping for my mom."
Why in the world would she not simply shop for herself?
"She told me she hadn’t received her new credit card in the mail yet, which she gets every few months because she’s paranoid about someone stealing her card info. That usually means I end up updating all of her online payments because she doesn’t know how to use the internet very well." Why do you enable this behavior?
OP responded:
She can’t walk without assistance or drive any more. I’m her “caregiver.”
pamelaonthego wrote:
Could mom be developing dementia? They definitely get more aggressive.
OP responded:
I mean maybe, her health is starting to really deteriorate but they have not found major memory issues.
colormeethrowaway22 wrote:
Does your mom have dementia? She doesn’t seem right.
OP responded:
Not dementia, more anxiety, I think she’s narcissistic but she says she’s not, when my dad died 15 years ago, my mom expected my brother and I to take care of her like my dad did.
Agreeable_Leopard39 wrote:
Your mom’s financial situation is not as good as you think it is.
OP responded:
I seen her bank accounts, I do her taxes, she’s well off, I promise.
Ok_Stable7501 wrote:
Your mother can pay for grocery and meal delivery. NTA.
OP responded:
I tried that, she ended up buying 3 of the same meals from DoorDash because she didn’t know what she was doing AND groceries, she bought stuff she didn’t need. She’s 71 and computer/Internet illiterate.
NavaarTab wrote:
ESH. Your mom for not listening to you, you for not asserting your boundaries & clarifying things. It sounds like your mom has money problems she is hiding from you & deflected by getting mad about the bill.
She couldn’t get her groceries (is she disabled in some way or some kind of familial piety that you do her shopping for her?) & then forced you to pay after your clearly stating you couldn’t afford to go out to eat.
You mentioned your late father left her comfortable, it sounds like you help manage her shopping & things so all she needs to do is spend. She’s either always been, or has become entitled & forgotten how budgets & finances actually work. I recommend having a conversation with her about the reality of your finances vs. hers going forward, so she is perhaps less likely to repeat this.
I would also see if my earlier comment about her own finances bears any truth just in case she continues to behave like she has access to money (yours or hers) that doesn’t exist.
OP responded:
I do her shopping due to her being disabled. She doesn’t walk well, she can’t stand long, can’t drive, can’t see well. Also, I’m Filipino so it’s almost expected of me to do whatever my parents tell me and I am to be respectful and do as I’m told, so I do as I’m told. but I do manage her finances and do her taxes, she really is well off and in literally no debt.
She's the type of person who puts everything on their CC and then pays it off when they go home. 6 digits saved, she receives slightly more yearly from retirements accounts than my wife and I make yearly. She bought me a new washer and dryer, the nice LG ones just because mine broke, put it on her CC and paid it off the same day.