'AITA for no longer cooking for my wife after she drunkenly talked about her male coworker's cooking? UPDATED

"AITA for no longer cooking for wife after she drunkenly admitted she wished her male co worker could cook for her instead?"

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. A couple years ago, my wife had a male coworker who used to cook for the office often. My wife used to always rave about his food, and it admittedly made me insecure, also because he looked like a Greek model.

I had also started cooking for wife around that time. I was never a serious cook, but I decided to give it a shot. Prior to then, I only used to cook basic food, but I decided to try cooking complex meals. However, a lot of times it didn’t come out great. My wife used to help me, but I never was serious about it.

One night, my wife was drunk and we just had a Beef Wellington I had cooked. It was sort of a disaster, and my wife and I were both laughing about it. However, my wife then drunkenly admitted she wished her male coworker could cook for her every day.

I didn’t fully grasp what she was saying as I was really drunk, but my wife realized what she said and she apologized. I told her it was alright, and that it was probably some attempt at joke.

However, the next day, I grasped what she was saying, and I felt really deflated. My wife sensed it and apologized again, and after taking a day to think about it, I told my wife let’s not make a big deal about it, but also, I was never going to cook for her ever again. My wife again apologized and almost started crying, but I told her it was all in the past, and let’s move on.

It’s been two years since then, and my wife and mine’s relationship is stronger than ever. Over the past couple of years, I have also spent a lot of time taking cooking lessons from my sister, who’s a really good cook. I learnt that cooking just takes a lot of consistent practice, and you can’t just learn it over the internet, you need to acquire the skill.

And I can now confidently say, I am a much better cook than I was a couple of years ago. I cook for friends, and for my family or my wife’s family when they come over. The food I’m the most proud of and which I got a lot of compliments on is the Valencian Paella I made when my wife’s family came over for Christmas.

However, in spite of the progress I’ve made, I can’t find it in me to cook for my wife alone. I still remember the hurt and insecurity I felt a couple of years ago. My wife even stopped speaking to and taking food from the co worker after that incident, and the co worker has even left the company since.

But I still can’t find it in me to cook a romantic dinner for my wife. My wife has asked me a few times, and she says she’s willing to do anything to repent or take accountability. But I tell my wife I’ve already forgiven her a couple of years ago, it’s just that I cannot mentally bring myself to ever cook for her. AITA?

The internet did not hold back their thoughts.

Realistic-Ad-9755 wrote:

Like others have said. It’s time to put it behind you. You’re wife made the effort and has been holding on the the pain of the resentment you feel for her for years now. You’ve grown as a cook now it’s time to grow emotionally and come together with your wife. You wife yearns to be close to you.

OP responded:

I am very emotionally close with my wife. It’s just with this specific aspect, I can’t bring myself to do it. My wife almost destroyed my love for cooking a couple years ago when she made that comment. But I was thankfully able to get over her comment.

My sister said if you’re emotionally vulnerable about something with someone and they s#$t over all it, never ever repeat that mistake again, no matter how tempting it might be. She also taught me cooking provided I kept my word that I would never cook for my wife again. So even though I love my wife a lot, my conscious will not allow me to cook for my wife.

somegingershavesouls wrote:

You haven’t forgotten or forgiven her. Therapy might help.

[deleted] wrote:

You’re just lying to yourself, your wife, and now all of us lol. You have not forgiven her.

notthemama58 wrote:

I think you're not giving your wife enough credit. She stopped eating what her fellow worker cooked, she has apologized and really wants that one close thing: enjoying an intimate meal you cooked just for her. You say you have forgiven her.

No, my friend, you have not. You are still holding a grudge. I get that she hurt your feelings and made you feel insecure. But geezo, 2 years? And you'll cook for everybody and their mother and still won't for her? That's cold.

OP shared an update the next day.

Thank you all the comments on my previous post. Pretty much all of the comments told me I was very wrong and what I was doing what cruel to my wife. It was never my intention to be cruel to my wife, it was all about my mental health, but I understand now how it can be perceived as being cruel.

I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, so I told my wife this morning I would start cooking for her tonight, and make her a special dinner. My wife was very excited and hugged and thanked me, and I am nervous and excited and looking forward to opening this new chapter in our lives. I however reminded my wife again how she had almost destroyed my love for cooking a couple of years ago.

I also gave my wife an analogy (my sister told me this morning to tell this analogy to make my wife understand the impact of what she said a couple of years ago). I asked my wife how would she feel if I drunkenly admitted to preferring hugs from Vanessa (Vanessa’s my close childhood friend), because Vanessa has a softer and more feminine feel to her.

I asked my wife if she would get over that comment even if I apologized the rest of our lives. And my wife admitted she wouldn’t be able to get over that comment, and she apologized again for what she said a couple of years ago.

But having said all that, I am really excited about tonight. I plan on making my wife Lemon Butter Lobster Risotto, and serve it with a glass of white wine. I hope to make it as romantic as possible and I hope it comes out good. That’s probably my final update, thank you all for the advice.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

LogicalDifference529 wrote:

Great, you’re cooking for your wife but you made sure to make her feel like crap one more time and tell her your female friend has a softer more feminine feel than her. That’s not even remotely close to what she said to you about cooking. Your sister is a total b#$ch by the way. Good luck to your wife.

Icy_Two_5092 wrote:

Wow. The Vanessa thing was weirdly specific.

UnclyRumpy12 wrote:

You really just needed to beat this dead horse one more time? I get how a comment like that can hurt your feelings, but the punishment you’ve been subjecting your wife to does not fit the crime.

She has apologized who knows how many times and even stopped accepting food from him because she knew she hurt your feelings. YTA for still taking jabs at her. It’s time to move on and let it go. Cook for your wife from now on.

StephanUrkell wrote:

My wife drunkenly hurt my fragile feelings with a light-hearted joke years ago, so I punished her by not preparing food anymore and made her apologize over and over again. Today I made her apologize again and told her how mean she was. Also I‘m making lemon butter lobster risotto and maybe I‘ll have her apologize once more.‘ That‘s what you sound like. You need help.