'AITA for not being excited for my sister’s pregnancy? I told her I’ll be in Japan at the due date.'
"AITA for not being excited for my sister’s pregnancy and telling her I’ll be in Japan at the due date?"
Not sure if I’m the AH, I’ve asked a few friends and they seem pretty evenly split on whether or not I am. Some background — My (27 F) sister “Cara” (28 F) is separated from her husband “Derek” (30 M) for almost 3 years and has been living with her boyfriend “Dean” (38 M) of 8 months for the past 6 months.
Derek was a terrible husband and many of the red flags I’ve seen in Derek I see in Dean as well, so I’ve been against their relationship as Cara tends to be gullible and naive to a fault so I don’t think she sees it but I do. To the point I can’t stand to be around him because no joke, Dean is like Derek’s exact clone.
Cara has two kids “Jake” (5 M) and “Naomi” (3 M), and has had incredibly bad pregnancies to the point we were told there was a high possibility of her not surviving Jake’s delivery. To the issue why I’m coming here. Cara told me yesterday that she was pregnant, and she was due in early May. She was obviously excited.
Where I may be the AH is that instead of being happy for her like she was expecting, I told her that I couldn’t be because of her health issues and because I didn’t know Dean and the few times I’d been around him he left a bad impression with how he treated my nephew and niece and I thought he seemed too much like Derek for me to ever like him.
Cara was angry and said that I was just upset because it would mean that I would have to cancel my plans to spend three months (April-June) in Japan before I enter grad school so I could help her (I WFH and spent a month with my other sister (25 F) for a bit before and after her baby). I told her I’d be doing no such thing and I’d still be going to Japan next year and my plans wouldn’t change.
She called me an AH for not being excited for her and for going to Japan instead of helping her with her baby like I had our other sister. Am I the AH? I feel like I could be, especially since my sister wants so badly for me to be happy for her and I guess I could change my plans to have a shorter vacation.
The internet had OP's back all the way.
extinct_diplodocus wrote:
NTA. It's her baby, not yours. There's no need for you to be there. Life goes on. Given her medical issues, it seems crazy and against the odds for her to keep it and risk the delivery, but it's her decision. Your being there won't actually influence the outcome. She wants you to be happy for her, but you honestly can't, for a number of very good reasons.
OP responded:
She lives in a state with a very strict ban so not an easy option right now, even if she was seeking one. Maybe that’s part of why I’m so unenthusiastic and just not thinking about it that way, but she’s had 4 miscarriages and I know there’s a lot of legal and practical risks given her history and the state she lives in policies.
cristarain wrote:
NTA It’s incredibly entitled of her to assume you will be her caretaker. This is her mess. She got knocked up while still technically married, and she’s allowed a non-relative male to live with her children, risking ab-se. Are there any other relatives who can help talk some sense in her? Where’s the other sister?
OP responded:
Cara is in many ways single minded, she isn’t someone you can talk into something — unless you’re her husband/bf I guess? My parents and other sister have tried, because she moved in with him very suddenly and without telling anyone in the family. She’d gone on vacation for a week and then moved, before that she’d been living with my parents since her separation.
Derek is abusive, and not sure if Dean is. He is incredibly adamant about the children respecting him though, and I know he is hom-phobic (significant because my teenage brother is gay) and I worry about that as well. Like if any of their kids are queer, you know? He has a lot of red flags but none that make me immediately worried about abuse I guess?
Marvelous_Marigolds wrote:
NTA. So tired of people making very obvious poor choices and then being shocked that people aren't supportive of those choices. Being honest with her now was a much better choice than faking happiness for the next 9 months and beyond.
You are rightfully worried about your sister. Assuming you'd just be cancelling your trip was also a bold move. You aren't TA for cancelling a very expensive and likely non refundable trip. It's not like she will be alone, she has the able bodied bf that had enough energy to get her pregnant in the first place I'm sure he got it.
SoMuchMoreEagle wrote:
NTA While it's very nice that you've been there for your sisters and their new babies in the past, that doesn't make it an obligation forevermore. Your life doesn't revolve around hers. The only thing I will say you should think about is that since the pregnancy is such high risk, if something happens, how will you feel if you're in Japan at that time?
Even if nothing goes wrong (hopefully), how will you feel knowing your sister is giving birth so far away? Put your feelings for her partner aside.
I'm not saying you what you should feel, one way or the other, only that you should think about these possibilities and be prepared. You have an absolute right to go to Japan and have a wonderful time and not feel guilty, but feelings aren't logical. At the very least, get good travel insurance so that if you need/want to fly home immediately, you can.