'AITA for not donating my kidney to my brother after he bullied me for years?'

"AITA for not donating my kidney to my brother after he bullied me for years?"

I (27F) have an older brother, lets call me Jake for privacy reasons (30M). Long story short...we never had a good relationship. Growing up, Jake was always the favorite. He was good at sports, popular, and got all the attention from my parents. Meanwhile, he made my life hell. He would tease me, eg call me names, and even h*t me sometimes.

My parents never took it seriously and always said, “That’s just how brothers are.”

When I moved out for college, I stopped talking to Jake as much as possible. I tried to move on and build my own life. I thought I was finally free of all that crap I went through lol.

It turns out now Jake is really sick. He has a kidney problem, and he essentially needs a transplant to survive. I am sad, shocked stressed and confused. My parents called me a few weeks ago and asked if I would get tested to see if I’m a match to donate one of my kidneys to him. They said it’s my duty as his sister to help, but after everything he did to me growing up, I am not so sure how I feel.

They keep calling me selfish and saying I’m letting my brother pass away just because I’m holding a grudge. Jake hasn’t even apologized to me or reached out. It’s like he still doesn’t care. Of course he is my brother and I love him but my health isnt the greatest too and I worry about the effects this might have on me if I go ahead with him.. but the thought of losing my brother makess my heart break.

Now I’m feeling guilty. My parents are making me feel like a bad person for not helping, but I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. AITA for not really wanting to donate my kidney to the brother who bullied me?

The commenters kept it real in response.

AlvinOwlHirt wrote:

To to get tested and tell the people doing the testing that you don't really want to donate but your family is pressuring you. That should stop things completely in their tracks. They will typically just tell your family that you are not an eligible donor.

Frosty-Tip_5154 wrote:

NTA. If your health is not good then having a major surgery is not a good idea. Ask yourself what would he do if the situation was reversed. Somehow I think that he would decline and your parents would not push him as he is the golden child.

FairyFartDayDreams wrote:

NTA and you can do one of 2 things. First tell your parents if they didn't allow you to be ab-sed by your brother they might have a decent outcome or you can go to the transplant coordinator and explain that your family is trying to coerce you into donating and they can likely tell the family you are incompatible.

74Magick wrote:

NOPE. DNA does not necessitate any "duty" to anyone, especially a serious medical procedure. IDK if you have children, but what if you have kids that need a kidney one day?

NTA.

Fancy_Avocado7497 wrote:

Your experience rings all kinds of bells. I'll never forget when I realized aged 12 that my parents knew what he was doing to me. He made a move to hi- my mother and she made it clear my father would stop him. I was SHOCKED 'cos they knew what was happening AND could stop it, but didn't. Sitting there like the world split open.

I thought they didn't know about all of it but when he got married, I realized that my mother was afraid I would say something to his wife. Even the new SIL said 'what is your mother afraid you will tell me??' - another one of those HORRIFIC moments. She knew it all - he probably confessed to our mother and she gave him absolution.

It happened, my parents knew and held me responsible. Everybody in the house knew and never said. I don't love him - I perhaps feel affection for him, in a casual way. I would be sad if he died but not enough to be upset. Even if you give him your heart - they won't love you any more. NTA.

Significant_Planter wrote:

Go get tested. Look the doctor right in the eye and say my parents are making me do this and I'm so scared of what's going to happen to me! if I refuse they'll be so mad! But I'm really scared of surgery. And let the doctor take it from there. NTA. Jake hasn't apologized because he's not sorry.

And your parents aren't going to make him apologize because they don't care enough about you to think what he did was wrong. I'm sorry! But the only way he will apologize is if he either gets truly terrified of dying or your parents make him which they're not going to do...and he wouldn't mean it anyway.

Just tell the transplant team what they're saying to you. Bonus points if you show them text messages that say those things.

2dogslife wrote:

Get tested, tell the folks testing you that you do not want to donate and are only getting tested under duress, and they will cover for you. Kidney donation has a large system, so one of your parents could donate a kidney, even if it doesn't match, which will start a chain of kidney donations until one gets handed over to your brother. This should have been explained already to your family.

WhzPop wrote:

The great thing about being in North America (in most cases) you have full autonomy over your own body. You do not have to give up your kidney to anyone. I’m really sorry your brother was mean to you. Another person does not get to decide for you.