'AITA for not giving my partner a second chance after his one time mistake?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not giving my partner a second chance after his one time mistake?"
I ( F, 26) met my partner (M,39) 6 years ago when I first moved to Canada from Germany . We moved in together within 1 year. We work in different fields but we make about the same amount annually. I found out I got pregnant in July.
When I told him he got frustrated. I told him that I repeatedly reminded him about medication interactions and dr advised using protection while I’m on this medication and he refused.
Eventually he said he is happy to be a dad and supports me. We got invited to a destination wedding in Mexico (his friend’s wedding). I told him my Dr advised me not to travel as I have been very sick lately (hospitalized a few times) so I can’t go. He got upset and said he really wanted to go. I got tired of hearing his grumpiness so I said I would be fine it’s just a week so it’s okay just go.
I talked to his mom and she said she would drive me to the hospital again if I need to while he will be away. Wedding was last Tuesday ( he left on Saturday evening ). He sent some pictures to me on the day. He said he missed me and how he wished I was there which I said hopefully we can do more trips when the baby is here.
Then he was quiet on Wednesday. I got worried so I texted his friend. He replied “oh! Yea he is fine. I’ll tell him to text you”. Still nothing. On Friday evening ( so last night) he called me. I asked him what was going on? I was worrying sick? He asked how I was doing? If I needed help? I said I’m good luckily no I have been fine. He then said he needed to talk to me. He made a horrible drunken mistake.
He hooked up with one of the bridesmaids (bride’s sister) and brought her to his room...but in the morning he realized what a fool he was so he told her to leave. He said “I made a mistake but you have to realize if you were with me this wouldn’t have happened! I was drunk and lonely. It was one time thing and meant nothing”.
I felt like my brain was frozen. I said and you ghosted me for days and tell me now? Were you busy with her all this time? He said no I needed time to think I was ashamed. I told him don’t bother coming home. Stay with her or your mom until I find a place then I don’t want to ever see you again.
He said I’m being selfish, h-rmonal and over reacting to one mistake. He said he took responsibility, owned his mistake and will do anything to prove it to me. AITA for not even considering this for the sake of the baby? My best friend says we should try counseling and give him one last chance but I’m just so upset I can’t even think. Thank you for your advice.
The internet did not hold back.
Away-Understanding34 wrote:
"I made a mistake but you have to realize if you were with me this wouldn’t have happened" - this isn't taking responsibility for his behavior or owning his "mistake." He's blaming you and that's disgusting. Everything he said is making excuses for his choices. Cheating is a choice. He chose to go instead of staying with you, even throwing a tantrum until you gave in. He chose to drink.
He chose to hook up with her. You are not overreacting. You are not selfish or hormonal. He's the selfish one. If you take him back, I guarantee he will do this again the next time his brain freezes or you aren't able to cater to his every want. Find a new place and focus on taking care of yourself and your baby. He's not a good partner and you will be better off without him.
OP responded:
Thank you I needed to hear this.
54radioactive wrote:
Besides all that, you were 20 and didn't really speak the language when you met him. He's been enjoying having you at his whim all this time. 6 years and no commitment? Wouldn't take responsibility for birth control for the short time that you couldn't? You are better off without him.
OP responded:
Yeah we were “language buddies”. I was helping him with his German and he was helping me with English . Then we started texting and talking in English only. Eventually we met up for activities. I was so happy to have a friend in the new country. We talked about getting married a few times but never went anywhere with it.
writingmmromance wrote:
He was 100% shacked up with this woman the whole time he was ghosting you. He's lying.
OP responded:
That’s how I feel because he didn’t even acknowledge me until Friday.
Chilling_Storm wrote:
NOR and being dr-nk is NEVER an excuse for having s-x with someone, then he BLAMES you because if you were there he wouldn't have done it and he wouldn't have been lonely. He is a MIDDLE AGED MAN, he can control himself if he wants to, but he didn't.
You are NOT being selfish. You are now pregnant with his child because HE refused to wear a condom. He refused to stay home with his ill and pregnant girlfriend. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM, do what is best for your child. Get child support and if you have to allow visitation.
A few days later, OP shared an update.
As many of you suggested, I sent a quick message to his friend and the bridesmaid he slept with. I told them that Kyle had admitted about his hook up and says it was a one time thing but I’m wondering if there is more to the story that you like to share. They both blocked me. Then all his friends blocked me on social media.
Last night (late) he sent me a message ( I think he was drunk ) that I’m an unhinged lunatic. He did the right thing and owned his mistake and confessed to me yet I acted like a crazy c-nt and harassed his friends and their family (he meant the bridesmaid ). He said I’m so insecure it’s pathetic. He said we are done and he wants me out of his house immediately. He didn’t even once mentioned the baby.
I decided not to bother replying. I had no energy and was crying all day. I’m moving back to my family ( I decided last night) early morning tomorrow. My family is happy that I’m moving back ( especially my mother). I don’t think I’ll say goodbye to his mom. I'm not ready to talk to him and she will make him do that. Thank you again for all your comments.
The internet kept the comments coming.
thenicomiester wrote:
You getting sick before that trip was a blessing. Imagine if you had wasted anymore of your precious time on this loser…I know it's not that simple or easy at the end of the day but I’m wishing you the best going forward.
Lost-and-dumbfound wrote:
Birds of a feather stick together. He sucked and so did his friends. Good riddance to them all. For the future though, if medication messes up your birth control and condoms are advised, if your partner refuses to wear a rubber, refuse to sleep with them. I wish you well in your pregnancy but girl don’t sleep with a man who doesn’t respect something that’s common sense!!!!
OP responded:
That’s what I told him that the Dr advised protection. He rolled his eyes and said “would you relax? I don’t need a rubber! I know what I’m doing! I’ll pull out!” He says he pulled out late. Yes, I feel so stupid trusting him.
Corodix wrote:
Moving back home to be with your family is definitely the right course of action. Don't forget to go to the courts in order to go after him for child support payments, especially since custody won't be much to worry about with you soon being in Germany while he's in Canada. Both Canada and the EU are part of the Hague Child Support Convention, so you shouldn't have issues on that front.
start46 wrote:
I hope you don't tell him you are leaving. And even though he said to get out of his house I'm willing to bet my life when he shows up and you are not there and he realizes you packed all your stuff he's going to flip. He thinks he can do what he wants and then you call him out and he gets mad at you.
F this dude honestly for as old as he and his friends are they sound like teenagers. And they are OK with their friends sleeping around and their friends sleeping with people who are in relationships. They all suck. You are doing the right thing. Good for you and I hope you and your baby have the best life.
The next day, OP shared another update.
Hi, I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight so I thought I write one last update. I messaged his mom and told her what happened. I was shocked when she called back immediately and was furious with me. She said I have some nerve twisting the story to covering my cheating a--. I told her I don’t understand what she was talking about.
Apparently he told everyone including his mom that he checked my social media ( he had all my passwords but I never asked any of his - I have changed them all now) and found out I was having an affair with a coworker and was trying to trick him to raise my affair baby. I told her most of my team work virtually so this makes no sense.
I also have maybe 25 followers on my Instagram and most of them are my family from back home. I also have a rule to never add any of my coworkers on social media because I rather keep my personal life and professional life separate. She said her son found out when he was alone in Mexico and now he is heartbroken. Then went on and on about how could I do that to him and stuff.
I kept explaining but she wasn’t listening. I was so upset I told her that I’m done arguing and hung up. I’m done with this man and his lies. He just makes up lies and blames me for it. I can’t do this anymore. I submitted time off to my boss ( she is amazing ) and will be settling for the next few weeks. Looking forward to the new chapter of my life without him.
The comments kept rolling in.
Funtivity_Director wrote:
Holy smokes! I’m so sorry. The trash took itself out. These people are toxic. Save yourself!
OP responded:
I was gonna tell his mom I’ll gladly do a DNA test when the baby is born just to prove that I have never cheated then I realized she doesn’t wanna listen to me...what’s the point.
Ok-County-178 wrote:
& do an agreement that when the tests comes out that the baby is his, she and him won't be involved in the baby's life.
OP responded:
I’m gonna talk to my dad’s lawyer next week. That’s a good idea . I just can’t get over his lies! The only “co-workers” I have in our Canadian branch is my boss ( she is a lady in her late 50’s), our admin lady, and the IT guy who is a guy in his late 60’s and happily married. Rest are all virtual! I have been working from home for a long time.
Shadow4summer wrote:
NTA. I’d have a DNA test and tell grandma she missed her chance to be one. Screw them all. Go home let your family help you figure this out. That man would never see his child. Go for child support though. Your baby deserves this.
Hel_the_Daedra wrote:
I'm glad you are going home to your family. A real support network will help you get through this. I'm sorry you had to deal with that liar, but you'll be better off away from him. I'm not sure how child support works internationally...I hope you can get him to pay for his child, he can't lie away DNA!
OP responded:
I was wondering why last time he told me to GTFO of his place immediately. Didn’t even ask about the baby or what will happen when the baby is born. That explains everything. He told everyone that apparently baby is not his…sticking to his made up story.
Graysylum wrote:
He told everyone that story about the baby not being his not only to make you the bad guy but to give him an excuse not to be a father.
The true picture leaves him looking really truly terrible, so he's painted a new false picture over it to make you look awful, and in the meantime he has (at least temporarily) excused himself from the obligations and responsibilities of parenthood (in the eyes of everyone he tricked).
If he would do this to you and your baby, dude was a ticking time bomb and it was only a matter of time before he did something like this. Don't feel bad for not seeing it earlier - more likely than not, he has been "painting over" many things about himself. Someone who's comfortable telling such a disgusting lie has quite a bit of lying experience.
This type of person creates a whole fake (or at least exaggerated/polished) self and story that they display to the world, changing large or small details here and there to curate the image and reputation they want. You've lost nothing here, only gained more truth and freedom in your life.