'AITA for not letting my Grandmother stay with me? She let me stay with her during the hurricane.' UPDATED

"AITA for not letting my Grandmother stay with me after she let me stay with her during the hurricane?"

I have a feeling the animal lovers are going to hate me. I (31f) stayed with my grandmother (76f) during Milton, as my home was where the hurricane hit. I do not make a lot of money, and I live in a mother-in-law home I rent from her, meaning its a very small space behind a house with only two doors inside: to the bathroom and the closet.

There are no other doors in the entire place, everything is open and easily accessible. This is important. My grandmother is obsessed with her two large dogs.

They're boxers, fully grown, very smart, hyper, and destructive. I own a LOT of expensive equipment for work, at least $6k worth, as well as emotional attachments sent by my long distance partner that can never be replaced if lost or destroyed. She lives a little under 2 hours away, and each time she comes down, she wants to stay the night because shes getting to that age where long drives aren't feasible.

I don't really like people coming into my space, but will allow her to stay because she's done so much for me-as long as she gets a dog-sitter and the dogs stay back at her house. She has one, and uses them often to go on mini-trips. She says these dogs are like her children, and I'm an AH for forcing her to 'choose' because they make her feel safe and relaxed.

Her argument is that 80% of the time when she comes down here, it's for me-being evacuations, family vacations, etc, since I don't drive due to PTSD. I've tried to offer to pay for the sitter, but she ignored the offer. The thing is, I cannot deal with the labor of keeping these hyper dogs from destroying EVERYTHING.

I can't fit all my valuables in my closet, nor should I have to because I still need to work and its my space I pay for. I don't want to have to dog-proof my house just for a night and have to climb over makeshift barricades of chairs, etc. She thinks it'd force me to clean my space better (she has OCD), and doesn't see reorganizing my entire small home to be dog friendly as a problem since it's so small.

It has been almost a month now and she is still upset at me over not letting her stay, and mentioning that she wanted to stay at the end of this month since we're going on vacation together, but she refuses to leave her dogs at home. I know she does a lot for me, but the last time they stayed got...really tense and ended in a nasty fight, which started the rule.

I am neutral to dogs, I'd even say I like some of them, but her dogs make me neurotic. The entire time they're around, especially in spaces that I'm in, they just start licking me, chewing on my stuff, and try to mow over me or her to get into areas that I've had to make-shift barricades for since...NO DOORS.

I'd rather cancel the whole vacation than to let her stay with her dogs for that one night because just the 4 hours caused so much havoc, overnight will probably end our relationship since I'd be on their ass the entire time. So, AITA?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

milee30 wrote:

I'm aware I'm going to be downvoted but YTA. Everything is always about you, you, you. Your grandmother rents you a house (likely below market rate), she does all the driving to see you, she shelters you when you need it...and you can't figure out a way to put your valuables in the closet the few times she visits?

Come on. If you were independent, paid for yourself, drove half the time, did some caring for her it would absolutely be reasonable to draw a line at the dog hosting. But this isn't the case and your grandmother does a lot more for you than you do for her.

Can't you find a way to do this one thing for her? You mention you offered to pay for a pet sitter. Why not instead use that money to buy a storage container to put the valuables in so your grandmother can visit?

OP responded:

I will take my answer gracefully, but to add onto this for those who think I'm just being about me (since 3k character limit I couldn't go into detail and wanted to be fair on how I see I can be an AH):

These dogs have zero control, because she trained them that way. I've been raised around Boxers, my grandparents have had them their entire life. Before my grandfather died, they had four at once, and then went to three as his soul dog passed away shortly after he did. They were trouble, but not that bad.

After those passed, she got a new dog, and then mentioned feeling like one wasn't enough. Note my grandfather trained all the others. We mentioned to her that a second puppy might be a bad idea, but she got him anyways and hes been...not very well behaved.

They tore my grandmother's baseboards apart. If it ain't metal, its a chew toy. She just spent a good chunk of change because they destroyed something in her RV, which caused one of them needing surgery because whatever it was got into the stomach and caused problems. (I don't know the full details.)

They have to wear vibrating collars to keep from jumping on people, getting into things, and running away because they just don't listen. She can only leave them alone if they're crated, and the reason I brought up my small house is that...its CRAMPED.

There's space for maybe one crate, but not two, unless we put them in the kitchen, which is...a risk in itself since one has torn open their crate before and one of them has minor food aggression. I don't hate her dogs, or blame them, because they're just dogs. They don't know what they're doing. However they are the only ones I don't let come in.

My other family's pets are fine, but y'know...don't visit as often since there are better spaces. I have offered to pay for them to be watched. I have offered my home to her to stay overnight if she wants to rest, it is as simple as: Leave the dogs at home. She has a dogsitter that she uses constantly, I don't understand why the one thing I ask her not to do is the constant pain point.

I also only see her at most once a year for Christmas. I don't ask her to come down for every little thing, I usually would just take an Uber lmao. Milton was just this emergency, the plan was to just come back, and check the damage to her other home, a friend across the street, and drop me off.

We talked about dogcare before hand, because I actually planned to Uber back home because I had plans and she was busy and she cried that she made plans expecting that I'd watch her dogs so I stayed a few days extra with the plans for her to leave the dogs, drop me off, stay the night, then come back home.

So I also fully was planning to go home on my own already, she offered and that was when I said I'd pay for the dogsitter overnight and she never answered.

I understand that some people may see me as selfish, and that's fine, but I also didn't ask to be a pet owner. And she blatantly ignores the damage her dogs do, and leaves me with either cleaning it up, or losing something precious.

I don't mind cleaning and making things dog safe, but my space will never be dog PROOF, which is why I don't have a dog. When I lived in a previous home, she could bring her dogs all she wants, because there was space. But this area there's just too much that they can tear apart, and she won't punish them. That's the core issue I have.

Liuthekang wrote:

NTA. But just remember. The next time you need a place to stay your Grandmother will not be the AH for saying no to you.

If your Grandma has ideas for dog proofing your home. Maybe try hearing her out.

embopbopdoowop wrote:

INFO: did you say you rent the place from your grandma?

If so, time to find a different place.

OP responded:

I've been working on moving for a while and saving up because there's a lot more than just the dogs that are the issue but not really related. One of the big reasons I've stayed down here is because I help her with her business in a way since she doesn't really know how technology works, and if anything needs to happen asap, I can Uber or walk over to do whatever she needs me to do.

I've single-handedly moved a house out (minus the big stuff) that had a nasty infestation because she can't do it, and obs shouldn't drive down to do it. We love each other, but this is one big issue we're constantly having. I didn't mind in my old home that I rented from her, but she wanted to sell it, so I downgraded.

It saves me a lot but also, it makes things less accessible for both of us, which was something I warned her at the start. I didn't think it'd be so bad that I don't want them in the house at ALL but they're just too unpredictable and makes me worry.

butterflyinflight wrote:

You keep expecting your grandmother to give, to bend, to accommodate you. When do you compromise for her? When do you do anything for her? Even your home is owned by her (I assume you pay rent at a less than market value rate). In order to see you, she has to do the driving. I get that the dogs are a problem, but when do you not expect her to make all the effort. YTA.

marivisse wrote:

What about offering to find a dog sitter near your house? Then grandma would have them for the trip and could do outings with them, but leave them at the sitters overnight and when she’s hanging out at your place? That seems like a compromise that might work.

OP responded:

That is an idea I can try! She is very particular on who watches them, but I don't mind paying for dogsitters if money is the problem. I don't think it is, because she makes way more than me, but if its the only way to not piss her off the 1 or 2 time shes down here is worth it.

tainoculture wrote:

NTA BUT YA on making your elderly Grandma drive to YOU in order to spend time together.

OP responded:

We don't actually hang out, minus for the vacation which is...multipurposed? The time she comes down, its because shes also checking in on her business so it isn't just for 'me'. In terms of the PTSD, both of my parents have wrecked cars (one alcoholic, other speed junkie), so I start blacking out behind a wheel.

I know its a mind thing, I've tried, and I started getting better, but after a month of slowly being able to drive around town without seeing flipped cars and swerving visions, was given a car w/o asking and they wanted to force me to pay for it, without any checks.

As in, I asked the history of the car, what needs fixing, etc.) I refused to consider until they went to a mechanic to check it, and was told that I either accepted it now or I'd never have a car. Turns out the car was so cheap for a reason, and that killed my attempts to learn.

Once I move, I plan to learn again, far away from my family so I can do it at my own pace, with my own checks. Trust me, I'd love to drive, it'd make life so much easier. But since my family are not safe drivers, they don't see why I worry about being so safe. They're the kinda people who'll duct tape the car back together and call it a day hahaha.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared an update.

EDIT: I'm unsure if this will work, I apologize if it doesn't. Minus the loads of really mean comments, I did get some great advice and took it. We just finished having a serious talk, and will be looking into booking her a hotel whenever she comes down and needs a place to stay. Yes, I am paying.

It seems like shes been wanting to stay longer for personal stuff, but didn't want to take her RV down here and was hoping to ask for 'one more day' until she was done, but my hard no for one night made her realize that wouldn't be an option. Thank you to all who were willing to give meaningful perspectives!

Some comments kept coming.

vven23 wrote:

I'm going NTA solely because it sounds like her dogs are untrained. A well-behaved dog will not chew on random objects to the point of destruction, and dogs that do are also not welcome in my home. A family member is helping me renovate my house, and he brought his dog yesterday. Still a puppy, still being trained.

The dog immediately peed up against a wall, and he put the dog outside in my dog run until he left. If the dogs were well-behaved, I'd vote differently here but I can see where you're coming from.

RO489 wrote:

In a vacuum, it’s reasonable to not want dogs staying with you. It’s also reasonable to not want to drive to see your adult granddaughter, or pay for her vacations, or subsidize her housing. It’s a very lonely life if you never make concessions. It seems like some crates and dog gates could go a long way here, as well as some days out at the dog park for their energy YTA for taking without giving.

Wabbit-127 wrote:

NTA. As an animal lover and the owner of 3 rabbits I can honestly say it’s challenging when you have pets. I travel with mine. I have their pens etc. I can’t have dogs in my home because of the bunnies. And some of my friends dogs I wouldn’t allow in my home because they are not trained and my furniture is not cheap.

Your grandmother is being unreasonable regarding a pet sitter. Maybe there is a sitter where her dogs can stay close to you so she can be with them on the drive. Good luck. It’s hard but she needs to compromise.