'AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after she ignored me my whole life?'
"AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after she ignored me my whole life?"
I (26M) am getting married to my fiancée,(let’s call her Sarah (25F), in a few months, and I’m super excited about it. But there’s one big issue with all the planning—my mom.
A little background: My parents divorced when I was 8, and my mom (let’s call her Layla) remarried pretty quickly after that. She married this guy, Dave, who had two kids of his own. Ever since, it’s like I was no longer a priority in her life. She focused all her attention on Dave and his kids. Like, I’m not exaggerating when I say she treated them way better than me.
They’d go on trips, she’d go to all their sport events, and they’d get everything they wanted. Meanwhile, I felt like I was invisible. She didn’t ask about my school, didn’t care about my friends, or even my mental health. I started to feel like I wasn’t even her kid anymore When I turned 18, I moved out. I thought maybe she’d care and try to stay in touch, but nope—she didn’t.
I’d text her once in a while just to check in, and she’d either not respond or say she was busy with Dave and his kids. I figured if she didn’t care, why should I? So, I just stopped trying to reach out. Fast forward to now. I’m planning my wedding, and out of nowhere, my mom starts texting me like we’re super close.
She wants to know all the details, saying how excited she is, and even saying things like, “I can’t wait to see you start this new chapter.” Like…seriously? I haven’t heard from her in years, and now she expects to be front and center for my wedding? I told her straight up that I didn’t want her there.
I said I’m not comfortable with her coming after everything that’s happened, and that if she really wants to have a relationship, we can talk about it after the wedding, but not before. She started crying and saying I’m holding a grudge and that “I’m her son” and “she deserves to be there.” But I don’t know how I’m supposed to just forget the fact that she ignored me my whole childhood in favor of Dave’s kids.
Now, my family is split. Some of them think I’m right and that I shouldn’t just let her show up when she never showed up for me. Others think I should just let it go, and “it’s just one day” and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace. So…AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after everything that happened?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Bo_058 wrote:
"She started crying and saying I’m holding a grudge and that 'I’m her son' and 'she deserves to be there.'"
And you're her son who deserved to have mother that cared and prioritized you at least occasionally, but here you are. You're well within your rights to hold that grudge until you feel comfortable letting her back into your life, which is not now.
"Others think I should just let it go, and “it’s just one day” and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace."
I hate this sentiment with a passion. What peace? You would not be at peace if you had your mom at your wedding. Childhood neglect is not something you forgive and forget for most people, especially when you've come to terms with not having a relationship with your parent. She doesn't get to waltz back in to ruin what's supposed to be one of the happiest day of your life. NTA.
_s1mon_sez_ wrote:
So she must have some sort of flying monkey among the people you ARE in touch with. Do you have any idea who? Someone has been keeping her abreast of developments, or she wouldn't know anything about it.
I'd be tempted to be as brutal as necessary. Tell anyone who raises the topic 'I am not interested in granting her any kind of a redemption arc. I have learned how to live without having her in my life, and she without me. I have every intention of keeping it that way. The subject is closed.'"
SugaryWetLips wrote:
NTA. Your mom basically pulled a "Hey, stranger!" like she’s an old friend sliding into your DMs after ghosting you for years. Now, because it’s a big life event, suddenly she wants to play “proud mom”? Nah, she missed out on the backstage pass a long time ago.
It’s wild that she thinks she can just show up now like everything’s cool. She had all these years to be involved but chose Dave and his kids over you. That’s on her. Honestly, weddings are about celebrating with people who’ve been there through thick and thin, not people who show up out of nowhere when it’s convenient.
If she’s serious about reconnecting, she should respect that your wedding isn’t the time or place to start. You’ve offered to talk after, and that’s actually really mature. If she really cares, she’ll wait and try to rebuild something. Otherwise, she’s only proving your point.
Maleficentwasright wrote:
"Now, my family is split. Some of them think I’m right and that I shouldn’t just let her show up when she never showed up for me. Others think I should just let it go, and “it’s just one day” and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace."
But it's not. It's your wedding and a major milestone event in your life, which she has barely been a part of since she remarried. You are keeping the peace. It's just your own you are keeping.
Where were the family members speaking up now when you were a child? Because before they start with 'but she's family/your mum/you only get one' you need to shut them down on it because they were all more than happy to turn a blind eye to her missing your events, taking trips and pretty much ignoring your existence.
Make sure Sarah is completely on board with your decision (as there have been many, many posts where the S/O decided to try and 'fix' things by inviting people their partner is NC with) and stand firm. If your mum truly wants a relationship with you, she will wait until all the glory of the wedding has passed and get to know you and Sarah at a more appropriate time. NTA.