'AITA for not wanting my daughter in my life after SHE cut me off for 6 years?'

"AITA for not wanting my daughter in my life after SHE cut me off for 6 years?"

My late husband passed away when my daughter Nelly was just five years old, and I had her when I was 17. I remarried Benz when Nelly was ten. For the first five years of our relationship, I focused on Nelly and continued to prioritize her well-being throughout my marriage to Benz.

While my husband expressed a desire for children soon after we married, I made it clear that I preferred to wait until Nelly turned 18. I wanted to ensure that she never felt abandoned or replaced. For thirteen years, Benz respected my decision and, despite being childfree, never voiced any complaints.

He has always been supportive of my relationship with Nelly, understanding that he could never replace her father. Once Nelly turned 18, our family dynamic remained strong, and we all supported her when she met her fiancé. My late husband's parents took Benz in and respected him a lot for not wanting to “replace” their son.

At my daughter's wedding she even gave a speech to my husband about how amazing he was and supportive and how she loved him, they acknowledged Benz in a heartfelt speech. However, after the wedding, Nelly unexpectedly cut off contact with us, we were so shocked, no explanation as to why just silently after she told us she never wanted to see us again.

Though we were hurt, I asked my late husband's parents to continue supporting her without pressuring her to reconnect with us. Nelly went on to have two children but did not reach out to us, and despite our attempts to contact her during the first two years of her no-contact decision, we eventually stopped and we dropped contact from our end too.

During that time, Benz and I welcomed a four-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son into our family. Benz has never been happier, as he always wanted biological children, even though he loved raising my daughter.

I got a message last Sunday from a number stating that my daughter might reach out in the coming days and said that he (I did not know it was a man then) hopes “I'll be smart enough not to let her back in."

Then, I received a call from my late husband's in-laws, who informed me that Nelly's husband had cheated on her and was leaving her for his mistress and she was all alone. I was shocked by the news, as he had seemed devoted to her. I asked my ex-mother-in-law to convey my support to Nelly during this difficult time.

I'm sure she then told my daughter this because my daughter reached out AFTER my ex mil gave her my number and the first thing she said was “mom, I don't know how I'm going to take care of my kids alone” not a hello, or even a “sorry for cutting you off” etc.

I asked her what she wanted me to do about that and she told me that she needed financial help, lol sorry but I actually laughed and she then went on to say that my “grandkids” had just lost their father and I could not be bothered by them. I got so mad when she said that and I told her very calmly that she cut ME off for no reason and asked her why she cut me off, she couldn't even give me a reason.

I told her that I don't normally discourage people from cutting off their parents if they absolutely need to and told her that the same goes for parents cutting off kids. I told her that it can't just be ok for ONE set of adults in the family to cut the other off and the other cant.

In the end, before I told her that HER kids are not my responsibility, I don't know her kids and I have no emotional ties to them because of her. It's sad but the way I feel about my grandkids is the way you would feel caring about a random celebrity kids and that's so f--ng sad. I ended up telling her to please not contact me and that she chose to go NC.

I told her that i had a life and I was NOT willing to bring her into that life, near her siblings only for her to cut me off and HER kid siblings off whenever she felt like it and kindly told her to not call back. AITA for not giving her money and not helping her out financially after she cut me off for 6 years?

The internet had a lot of thoughts and theories to share.

choodleficken wrote:

She cut you off for six years without explanation, and now expects financial help with no apology.

You don’t owe her anything. She needs to take responsibility for her actions first.

OP responded:

It’s so sad, her siblings don’t even know they have a sister, my in-laws and my husband though it would be best. She told me I replaced her and had more kids? I had more kids because my life could not STOP because one of my kids decided to go NC for no reason at all. We honestly thought she would NEVER reach out again after trying to reach out for 2 years straight.

plainsailinguk wrote:

I totally understand your pain, however - just to play devils advocate, is there any chance her husband was controlling, as this is a pattern often demonstrated by victims of controlling behaviour, I say this particularly as it seems he rang and warned you off her before she even reached out. I’m not judging your decision, just food for thought.

OP responded:

I don’t think he ever ab--ed her and I’m sure my daughter would have said that, even to use it as an excuse but she didn’t. She just kept saying I “owed her” and I “replaced her” and kept avoiding the question. “Why did you cut me off?” So yes I can be wrong but I’m pretty positive and 99,5% sure he NEVER ab-$ed HER.

Glad_Performer_7531 wrote:

Did she give a speech about you at her wedding? Because you only mention she gave a heartfelt speech about her step dad Benz.

OP responded:

No to both of us but mostly focused on him for stepping up❤️!

WomanInQuestion wrote:

NTA - if she didn’t need money, she would never have contacted you. It’s your bank account she wants to reconnect with.

OP responded:

THIS IS WHAT I TOLD HER!! And she kept bringing up the grandkids card, as horrible as it sounds I don’t care about them anymore than I would have cared about a celebrity’s kids. THAT is her fault NOT mine. You can cut off your parents for whatever reason you want but you best believe that you won’t be let back into my life after not even apologising or acknowledging what you did.

Thamwoofgu wrote:

OP. It sounds like you do not actually believe in unconditional love. I would never, ever ignore my children, even if I was hurt beyond belief by something they did. Your only child disappears from your life and your response is “eh, screw her. I’ll have more kids….” What is wrong with you?

New_Principle_145 wrote:

I'm curious if she was ab--ed during the relationship. Ab#$ers isolate their victims and it could be a reason for the sudden cut off because you and your husband was a threat to his control. However, her seeking financial help with not an apology, an explanation, etc shows an entitlement that is usually not seen in the ab--ed.

You guys coddled her to try to protect her. Unfortunately, this sense of security morphed into entitlement to whatever she wants of you. How is she going to take care of her kids? It's called child support and working like many other women who are divorced.

You were not wrong, her approach and lack of remorse is more than off-putting. It was insulting. Are you and you and your family supposed to fade in the background again to take care of her? Absolutely not!

NTA.