'AITA for refusing to go to confession so I can take communion in my brother's wedding?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for refusing to go to confession so I can take communion in my brother's wedding?"

I (31F) have 3 siblings (40M, 38F, 27M) and we have a good relationship despite the age gaps between some of us. My older siblings are both married and so am I, the wedding in question is my younger brother's.

My younger brother 'Luke' is engaged to his gf of a year 'Emma' (28F), she is nice I guess but we have never really clicked and are just polite to each other. Something important is that we are all Catholic, but not really hardcore ones and some of us are even lapsed.

I do believe this whole situation started just when I met her for the first time. I look younger than Luke and it has always been a sibling joke that I am truly the baby of the family, most people that meet us assume he is older than me but nobody has had issues with it until Emma.

The day I met her she kind of scoffed when I said I was happy the baby had a proper girlfriend, she has this weird thing about being the Eldest in her family and refused to believe I was older than her until I showed her my ID.

She has been hot and cold with me since then, often infantilizing me or trying to have a sort of boss attitude. I just let her be and usually ignore her since I have no time to try and beg for her friendship so I am just polite and civil, always include her when planning stuff but don't really make an effort.

The family knows about it but we just shrugged it to different personalities. Then the wedding planning started. Emma decided I could not be in the wedding party since I was not married in a church, fine by me.

Then she requested that immediate family submits their dress plannings so she could check it fits the wedding dress code, fine whatever. You see where this is going I hope? You'll see I have not gone to confession or have communion in more than a decade. If I go to a mass for whatever reason I am respectful and simply sit or stay standing during the rites I don't participate on.

Well this is not good enough for her and she says I need to take communion during their wedding, I said no and she has not taken it well. For the most part I avoid her as I said before but this time I wasn't gonna say yes or risk an issue. I told her for taking communion one needs to go to confession and I didn't want to.

She said all immediate family is doing it and it will look bad if I don't, I told her sure fine, then I'll just go have communion in front of everybody but won't do confession. She said if this was gonna be my attitude I was uninvited from the wedding because I clearly wanted to ruin the day for her.

I turned to my brother and told him 'thanks' gave him a thumbs up and went home.

My family understand my reasoning and said they respect everybody's choices but I shouldn't have said what I said.

I told them I really don't want to go to the wedding anymore and I don't owe Emma explanations on my life. I only called my Grandma because she heard what happened and asked me not to disrespect the church by doing the communion without confession, I promised I wouldn't do it and she is fine with me now.

I got a text from my brother wanting to compromise so I replied by asking if the other lapsed people are being made to take confession too? He said no because it was only nuclear family members, I find it funny since all the others are clearly older than her and she just behaves like this with me and the youngsters. AITAH?

Here's feedback to OP from readers:

Lucky-Effective-1564 wrote:

NTA. Who died and made Emma Pope?

OP responded:

Lol I will share this particular one with my Grandma next time we talk. She is gonna love it.

Beautiful-Report58 wrote:

You should alert the Priest to her behavior. He will ensure that she stops with her actions. She cannot make rules that do not exist in the church. I would send a quick email to him and let her deal with the consequences of her own actions.

OP responded:

I actually considered it but I don't think I will since my Grandma might be doing it herself. She is lapsed herself but didn't want me to be disrespectful, but she knows the priest that will be officiating and is not really happy with all the s--tshow.

2dogslife wrote:

Your brother really loves this girl who is insulting and throws shade on his family Wow. Just wow. NTA.

OP responded:

He knows what will happen if he actually marries her. We would never go and forbid or intervene but he can decide what he wants. My siblings have already said they would go to the ceremony but not the party since it's the 'important part', Emma didn't take it well.

New-comment2668 wrote:

NTA. As one lapsed Catholic to another, may I suggest the following confession: "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have evil thoughts towards my future sister-in-law because she is a hypocritical, snooty, obnoxious bitch who refused to allow me to attend my brother's wedding unless I went to confession." Bonus points if you tell her in advance what you will be confessing.

OP responded:

Ha, luckily I don't need to since it seems my Grandma will take care of setting things right. She's also lapsed for super valid reasons and lost all respect for Emma after all this, my brother is on such thin ice with her and I know he is having a migraine over the s--tshow.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Things have moved but I wouldn't call any of this a positive progress. I would like to clear something I kept seeing in the comments. I won't request a special blessing or go in the queue for communion, it isn't about the blessing or the compromise but the singling me out.

I often just stay quiet or take a general family blessing if we go to weddings, etc. I have no issue with compromises I have an issue with Emma and her ridiculousness. I don't know why she has this thing with me, I do look young but not like a teen or a child obviously.

She has 2 younger sisters and is very authoritative with them, I have witnesses her being very my way or the highway with younger people so she has issues for sure.

The confrontation from the last post was on Tuesday and today we had lunch at my Grandma's.

I think you should also know that my brothers have a tricky relationship, as in they are not as close with each other as they are with other siblings. My older brother 'Robert' is very no nonsense and he has never been a fan of Emma but he didn't think he should have to intervene because Luke is an adult and capable of navigating relationships. All this is gonna be relevant I promise.

We visit Grandma a lot since she lives by herself and we truly enjoy her company. Today we were all there because she is over this drama already. After a lunch, that was more like snacking to be honest, she asked us all to clear the air. Emma continued with her rant about me being a disrespectful person and that she was asking the bare minimum from me.

My Grandma asked her why she had no issue with her not taking communion and Emma said that she was her elder and for sure her reasons were more than a tantrum like it was in my case. She also repeated that she was asking this of all the siblings and I was the only one that was being difficult with her tiny request.

This is where everything crumbled for her. I mentioned in the comments that Robert is also lapsed and he was already exhausted by this situation. He asked her why she had no issues with him not taking communion and she looked like a kid that was caught. She didn't have a proper answer. Robert then asked her if she even knew why he and Grandma became lapsed.

She shook her head and looked at Luke for help, Luke on the other hand was staring angrily at Robert and I but said nothing. Robert explained to Emma he was the reason Grandma became lapsed. When Robert was a teen he came out as gay and was so worried about our Grandparents reaction since they were very active in the Catholic church.

Grandma felt awful about it and even worse when she went and spoke about this with the then Priest of her Church, that Priest was super old school and told her that Robert was committing sins, he was going to hell, he needed to find his way, the whole nine yards. Grandma didn't take that so well and simply stopped going to Church and started spending that time with her grandchildren.

Over the years she started getting into the whole community again but she decided she was done taking the sacraments, she respects parts of the church but can't fully reconcile with it. Emma was a bit confused since Robert is married to a woman and he explained he is bi and ended up with a woman just as he could have ended with a man.

He also commented they are not married in the church but that didn't matter to her like it mattered when it came to me. He asked her directly what was her problem with me. Long story short, she said I was rude since the beginning and kept treating Luke wrong. Oh and I also was very snarky about looking younger than her. Crickets.

She is a beautiful successful woman so I still don't understand her obsession but it seems like she wants people to see I respect her and what she says. I just started laughing, she started crying and saying I turned my Grandma against her. My Grandma told her to stop blaming people for her being a negative person and she was always going to side with me over her.

Luke got upset at that and asked her why she was not supporting him and she simply said she doesn't support him being a lap dog for a crazy woman. More was said, nothing got truly resolved. I was kind of invited again but declined going, Grandma is undecided if she even wants to go at all. My older siblings told Luke they will go to the ceremony if he seeks couples therapy or at least therapy.

My parents are having headaches and now dislike Emma so much they can't hide it. Oh! And yes Grandma spoke with the Priest and he wants them to do extra premarital counseling or he won't officiate. I hope they don't get married but he is old enough to derail his life if he wants. I thank you for letting me vent and my Grandma loved the Pope joke!

Here's what people said to OP about this post:

K_A_Irony wrote:

LOL...well I hope for your brother's sake that the extra premarital counseling results in him rethinking his plan to marry Ms Entitled and Controlling. Good luck to you!

Big_It wrote:

Your brother's a GOAT and your grandma calling Emma out was chefs kiss Also, wtf is this senior s--t? You're all adults and can make your own decisions. Should I , as a man, tell Emma she needs to STFU because of patriarchy. Also, aren't you her 'elder' as well? B--ch needs a serious attitude adjustment.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

My brother has gone too far and I decided to be done with him. He made our Grandma cry and I think permanently damaged a lot of his relationships. I want to mention some of my cousins and other family members thought I was just stubborn and creating drama but now there is no longer my side or Emma's side.

Maybe he always felt this way but the issue he has with Robert is absolutely ridiculous. He was so upset with what Grandma said about him being Emma's lap dog that he called her to speak about it. I was obviously not present for the conversation but Grandma told me what happened and Luke confirmed it.

He told her that it was unfair of me to ask Robert for help since he was her favorite grandchild and would get her to side with me no matter how wrong I was. He also told her that many of the cousins believe this and that it was so obvious since she even left her religion for him.

He claimed the other LGBTQ+ members of the family (most were not even born when Robert came out by the way) doubted if she would do it for them. So Grandma explained to Luke and then call every single one of her grandchildren to ask them how they felt and explain to each a part we didn't know.

She said that when Robert came out and she spoke with the old Priest he hinted about knowing of places to set Robert 'straight'. Grandma had heard horror stories from this places and so had Robert and they both spoke with my parents together about that not being an option at all.

My parents never intended to send Robert there and are very casual Catholics, but Grandma wanted to cover the basis just in case. I was told Grandma sounded like she had being crying on the phone and after the first couple of calls, which went from oldest to youngest the group chat started to blow.

Robert is livid, our LGBTQ+ cousins are livid and say Luke lied, even the cousins that were telling me to stop being a stubborn head are livid. By the time I was up for my call I was already on the way to Grandma's. Two of my cousins were already there and the youngest one, Sara (16F), was ready to literally fight Luke.

For a bit of levity Sara is about 35 cm smaller than Luke and the image of her swinging at him made me laugh a bit, she asked if I was making fun of her and I just explained the whole mental image of her trying to hit him and she admitted it was kind of funny. What I didn't tell her is I would love to slap some sense into Luke.

My Grandma has been through so much in her life and this is not what we want for her. She looks puffy faced and kept asking everybody if they truly felt unloved by her, saying she would do everything for any of us. Explaining how Robert was the oldest grandchild but that didn't mean she loved the rest any less.

She is a strong woman, but I think something inside her broke a little with the thought she hurt her grandchildren. It was a s--tshow, a big one and I was just so done with Luke. My parents have been passive towards the situation so far because I asked them to, but after they heard what happened they told him they need time away from him.

Robert is simply disgusted and decided to not speak with him anymore, which he communicated through the cousin group chat with Luke's response being that this is why Emma's help on reining all us would be so beneficial if we just let her.

He also added how Robert never cared for him or anybody really and he just tried to be the center of attention all the time. He cited his coming out, his announcement he was gonna marry a woman, the birth of his child, it was ridiculous. He came out when Luke was a toddler and for many years only our parents and grandparents knew.

He announced he was gonna marry his now wife through a text but didn't interfere or took from anybody. His child was born 4 months before Luke's graduation and apparently that was a big issue for Luke that he never commented. Maybe I am biased, maybe I am selfish like Emma claims, but I call BS on his tantrum.

Every single one of the cousins has been helped, babysat, tutored, gotten out of trouble, you name it by Robert. He isn't perfect but he isn't the conniving a&^ Luke is claiming. Maybe Luke has always felt inadequate and we didn't notice, maybe it was his last ditch effort, maybe Emma has manipulated him so far that he can't come back. It doesn't matter anymore.

If he does marry Emma I wish him the best, if he doesn't I hope he goes to therapy. Regardless of what he decides he burned so many bridges and hurt so many people, I don't see this resolving any time soon. For now I will focus on my Grandma and making her feel better. I feel extremely guilty because it was Emma's situation with me that opened this can of worms, I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Lizardgirl25 wrote:

Wow it sounds like it is self projection from Luke he is the conniving AH he is saying Robert is.

Edit: Internet Stranger here also sends hugs to your grandma and your family in general.

OP responded:

Robert is the type of older cousin Sara would call if she is dr-nk at a party and needs a safe ride. He also did it for Luke which is why I don't get his deal.

Bonnm42 wrote:

This is not your doing. Understand this is all Emma’s fault. She knows it too. I’d bet money she is realizing how much her need to feel superior to you is costing. Emma sounds like she cares very deeply about what people think of her.

Hence the need to get her “elders” approval. Also explains her desire to not want to group you into the elders she needs approval from, especially since you look younger, and she’s vain. Just be prepared, this is not over. Someone like Emma is not going to take this well.

OP responded:

Logically, I know this is on Emma and Luke. But seeing my Grandma so sad and trying to convince everybody she loves us makes me feel bad. I know she will bounce back though!

K_A_Irony wrote:

You are still NTA. Weddings and funerals. They seem to bring out the best or worst in people. Your grandma CLEARLY is the best.. and well Luke... sigh...I hope he grows up.

OP responded:

She truly is the best and such a strong woman, she has gone through so much and always made each of us feel special. All my cousins are livid, we might not agree on every single thing but Grandma's happiness is important to all of us.

meatballsub33 wrote:

I posted this on the other post, but if she is such a good Catholic she should know you can’t take communion anyway, since you weren’t married in the church. I wouldn’t break the rules for this psycho. Hope your brother gets away from her before she hurts anymore people.

OP responded:

Oh that is so out of the question now, I wouldn't go to that wedding even if the Pope himself asked me to. I am going no contact with Luke and so are most of my relatives due to his conversation with Grandma.

A week later OP posted this update:

I want to start this by saying that Grandma is in better spirits now. I am overwhelmed by the amount of people supporting her and very grateful for it even if it's online. I have talked about this on some chats and dms but please know the situation with Emma is not about her being parentified or her family being strict Catholics, it's just her being her.

They were already going to get premarital counseling, an extra was added. Oh, all cousins also don't live in the same city or town, some are a bit longer than others but we keep in touch through the chat.

The reason for the update is mainly to let people know Grandma is ok, her health is fine, and she had a blast with my cousin Sara. I also want to update on what has happened with the cousins and the maternal side of our family.

Some of our paternal cousins, from Grandma's side, have relented and feel a bit bad on excluding Luke from things so the compromise was met on 'he can be invited to everything, just don't force people to interact'.

These cousins are mainly on the older side and have soft spots for the youngsters. My youngest cousin, Sara, said she was ok with it all but she wanted them to keep him away from her since she can't stand him anymore.

Our maternal side was a s^%$tshow, because of course we need one. Some of them were very upset but others told me I should try to understand where he was coming from. My Mom was the one that told them everything and some told her she is at fault for making Robert the 'star' of the family.

This was so uncalled for but brought some issues in my family, particularly when one of my maternal cousins asked me if I could behave enough if I am seated at the same table as Luke for his wedding. It makes us doubt ourselves but really, this is a cousin that Robert has bailed from almost brankruptcy 2 times and he's the problem?

I haven't said much about my sister 'Lucy' since she voiced nothing different before, she was always very close to Luke and even had a great relationship with Emma before the debacle. She decided to be out of it because she was so disappointed.

While she was never made to babysit or anything like that she was always so into Luke since he was her baby brother, she loved him the most and I know that because she literally told me when I was a kid. We have a good relationship now because her kids are my buddies but it was rough for a while before that.

She was upset about the whole thing but when our maternal family, or at least a part, started excusing Luke she lost it. She is a very calm person, the type you don't expect a bad word out of, but she lost it and I think it was the last straw on the cold bucket for Luke.

She sent a massive message about what has been happening, detailing every single thing, and daring people to kind of 'come at her' if they disagreed. She made sure to include every single nasty thing, every bad word, every eye roll.

She sent it to so many people because she was tired of the half information telephone game. She is upset at me because my refusals made this happen and she said she knows she shouldn't but she needs time to fix her feelings so she is not speaking with me right now.

My parents decided they were out of the wedding and told Luke he is on his own. There was never a monetary issue, they were willing to contribute but both Luke and Emma are pretty well off and was no need for that.

Now to what maybe most people want to know and the only conflict I am interested about anymore. My Grandma is feeling better, Sara being with her was very positive. It was lovely to see the eldest and youngest of our family so in tune but then again they have always been.

She requested that Sara invited Luke to her birthday party (December) and after a lot of back and forward he is going to be invited. We will see if he comes or not.

A small parenthesis, I showed my grandma the joke of the knife, sword, etc, she was so giddy. Thank you [editor's note- this is the scene from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring- "you have my sword" "and you have my bow" "and MY AXE."

I mentioned before that Robert would pick up Sara if she needed, it is still true, what I might have not mentioned is that she of course gets a weird lecture from him and an even weirder lecture on how he rates certain dr%$s.

lol As I said, he is no saint, but he is not a s%$# either. Lastly, yes he has photos even with my sister or me in the new born wall. People loved to take pics of him holding the new family members and he collected them and put them together when he got his own house.

A month later OP had another update:

As I mentioned in my last update, some of the older cousins were feeling bad about excluding Luke and the compromised was reached. But as good or as much as we want to be good, we are no saints so we decided to test the waters before the birthday to be safe. We had a lunch party with a lot of the family in attendance and tried our best, or at least some of us did.

During the trial lunch Emma was trying to get Sara to speak with her. As I mentioned before, Sara was looking into following on Luke and Sara's steps but now she doesn't even want to be in the same room as them.

Emma has not taken this well and tried to engage Sara several times before the lunch but Sara was not budging so at one point Emma lost it. She grabbed her by the arm and sternly told her she needs to stop being disrespectful and well Sara lost it. She started screaming at Emma to don't touch her (in way more colorful language) and everybody lost their s^&%.

Fortunately Luke was close by and took Emma and Sara apart. How this adult thought it was a good idea to grab a teenager is beyond me, but then again this is Emma we're talking about. Things calmed down a bit and the rest of the day was uneventful apart from Emma's stares.

Emma was blocked by most people and she was very hurt by it. How do I know this? Because Luke made a whole speech about it to my parents but well. She is now particularly focused on Sara being rude to her and calling her a disrespectful child. She of course blames me for starting this and is sure I put ideas in everybody's heads.

In total I have met Luke and Emma about 3 times since my last update and kept my distance. Luke has been ignoring Robert making a big show about doing it every time, like a child. My sister came around and started talking with me again and not much has changed since we were never that close and it's mainly to coordinate meetings between my niblings and I.

Now on to the important event that was Grandma's birthday: It was amazing! She had a blast with family and friends that wanted to celebrate her, she is very well liked so it was a considerable amount of people in attendance. She was like a giddy princess and didn't stop smiling the whole time.

The only wrinkle was Emma and Luke giving out their wedding invitations, it was tacky but nobody was surprised. Some of my maternal family members in attendance were a bit awkward about it while some of my paternal family simply left the invitations on their tables. Emma gave them to my husband and Robert's wife which made them laugh and she was annoyed but didn't say anything.

They also got Grandma the envelop in front of some of her friends and asked her to please open it. Luke knows we never open anything until after the parties but the insistence was such she did, read what it was, said thank you, and went back to her conversation.

I assume they were expecting her to be excited or share the news with her friends but that was obviously not going to happen. Luke approached Sara with hers and told her Emma has decided to make her a bridesmaid to repair their relationship, Sara replied with woof woof, Luke looked like he was about to cry.

He used to be Sara's idol and she adored him, now she mocks him. He told our aunt and uncle she should be grounded for being so mean and they said they agreed with it. Sara received a 15 minutes punishment of helping carry gifts to the car.

The wedding date is March 27th, they will have the reception in a family backyard (still a pretty big space, enough for like 100) due to the considerable downsizing they had to do since a lot of people are rsvping no or simply not even acknowledging the invitation at all.

They tried to pull a hail mary during the birthday but it was a fiasco. Grandma has officially declined the invite and we will plan something fun for that weekend. I guess this is it, the countdown to see if he actually marries her is on! And yes I know it sounds mean but we truly hope he doesn't but we'll see.