'AITA for refusing to give up vacation days so my coworker can go on her honeymoon?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITAH for refusing to give up my vacation days so my coworker can go on her honeymoon?"

I work at a small company where vacation time is pretty limited, and we have to request it months in advance. I put in my request almost a year ago to take a two-week vacation during the holidays. My plan was to visit family, who live out of the country, something I only get to do once every few years.

Recently, a coworker of mine, who’s getting married, came up to me and asked if I’d be willing to give up my vacation days so she could go on her honeymoon. She apparently didn’t realize how quickly the days would fill up and waited too long to request her time off. Now, the only way she can go is if someone cancels, and since I have one of the longest vacation blocks, she came to me first.

I told her I was really sorry, but I can’t give up my time. This trip means a lot to me, and it’s the only time I can see my family this year. She wasn’t happy and told me I was being selfish for not accommodating her "once-in-a-lifetime" event.

Now, a few other coworkers are chiming in, suggesting I could be more flexible since I don’t have "special circumstances" like a wedding. I feel bad, but I also planned this trip far in advance, and it’s important to me. AITA for not giving up my vacation so she can go on her honeymoon?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Spoopyowo wrote:

NTA, I am assuming she planned her wedding for a while, it's not your problem that she didn't think ahead. Enjoy your vacation!!

Amazing_Reality2980 wrote:

NTA. You are not being selfish. Her poor planning does not constitute an emergency for you. She should have planned better and put in for the time off as soon as she could. Now she's got to deal with the consequences of her procrastination.

If she or your other coworkers keep giving you a bad time about this, take it to HR or your boss. It's not ok for them to be pressuring you and guilt tripping you about this. They're bullying you and creating a hostile work environment.

clearheaded01 wrote:

NTA.

Apparently her own honeymoon was not important enough to secure time off for it.

"Now, a few other coworkers are chiming in, suggesting I could be more flexible since I don’t have "special circumstances" like a wedding."

Let them.give up.on their vacation, then...

peakpenguins wrote:

NTA, it's not your fault she waited so long to request the time off, and seeing your family is not less important than her honeymoon.

If people don't back off I wouldn't be afraid to pull some BS like "I have to go, my grandma is dying!" and watch them all feel real awkward.

Own_Whereas_7420 wrote:

Absolutely NOT. NTA, I repeat, NTA!! And the peanut gallery coworkers you have need to hush. You aren’t selfish for taking the time that you put in well in advance. People make me sick 🙄 She can reschedule their honeymoon trip, it doesn’t HAVE to be right after the wedding.

srkaficionada65 wrote:

You’re NTA but my petty behind would totally cancel my vacation IF and WHEN she pays me the equivalent of the greater of the PTO hours OR the cost of my travel and she’d have to pay it upfront. If she has money to plan a wedding and go on a honeymoon, she can pay me for inconveniencing me. I bet if you proposed something similar, she’d freaking back off. 😒

PenelopeShoots wrote:

I took my honeymoon six months after the wedding. There is no rule that is HAS to happen after the wedding. SHE'S being selfish. How do they know you aren't visiting sick family? Just tell her it's an important trip, you can't change it, and don't give details.

If she asks for details, say you don't feel comfortable sharing private information with a stranger. (you work together, but she treats you poorly, so really, she's a stranger, no matter how friendly you thought things were).

To be honest, "didn't realize how quickly the days would fill up" sounds like they didn't plan the wedding much in advance (it haven't been planning it for years, maybe a short while) and figured people would bend to them. They can reschedule if they only started planning recently and pick dates that line up for both the wedding and honeymoon.

stargazerr779 wrote:

NTA. You planned your vacation well in advance, and it’s a rare opportunity for you to see your family, especially if they live out of the country. Your coworker’s failure to plan ahead doesn’t obligate you to sacrifice your own plans, no matter how "special" her circumstances may seem to others.

A wedding and honeymoon are important, but so is your time with family. You’re not being selfish for sticking to your plans—if anything, it sounds like your coworker should’ve been more proactive about securing her time off. It's not your responsibility to fix that.

Significant_Planter wrote:

So let me get this right, she's asking people to give up their vacation days and came to you first and now you're wondering why everybody else is pressuring you to give it up? Obviously because if you don't she's going to ask them next LOL. Talk to HR. This is not okay behavior!

She's creating a hostile work environment by acting like her wedding is more important than your family vacation. And the next time somebody says that you should give up your day just look at them and slow blink and then say "this is SUCH good news I will tell bridezilla that you're going to give her your time since you think vacation should be given up for her."

LoverofStripes87 wrote:

Oh heck no, NTA. "Special Circumstances" and "Once in a Lifetime" events that warrant giving up/donating leave to someone else are personal/family medical emergencies (hopefully your company covers some of this with other leave) or very odd situations.

Weddings are both elective and are planned events. She was involved in planning her own wedding and she works there. She would know the schedule and the leave situation. She is fine to ask but she should accept the "no" and honestly keep her mouth shut about who she asked and what they said.

The gossiping and the reactions from the peanut gallery are what make a toxic work environment. This exact BS is why I quit my second job with no backup. Ignore it the best you can and enjoy your vacation OP. Coworker can enjoy her honeymoon after waiting like you did.

Nine days later, OP shared an update.

Wow, I didn’t expect my post to blow up like this, and I honestly can’t thank you all enough for the support. I’ve been reading through all the comments, and it’s clear that a lot of you feel as strongly as I do about keeping my vacation.

So, after my last post, things got…interesting at work. A few days after I turned down my coworker’s request, she sent a long email to me and CC’d our entire team, basically calling me out for “ruining her wedding plans” and labeling me as “unsupportive of a once-in-a-lifetime event.”

Yeah, it was a lot. I was caught off guard, but I kept it professional, responded directly to her, and explained again why my trip was non-negotiable for me. I thought that would be the end of it, but then our boss called me in for a meeting. It turns out, my coworker had tried to go over my head and get my vacation days reallocated to her.

Thankfully, my boss was super understanding and confirmed that because I booked my time first, it’s mine to keep. However, things got awkward when he asked if I would "consider" a compromise—like offering her a week of my time and keeping one for myself. I stood firm, telling him that this trip is one of the few chances I have to see my family, and I need the full two weeks.

Since then, my coworker has been giving me the cold shoulder, and a couple of other coworkers have been dropping passive-aggressive comments. One even said, “You’ll probably be that person who refuses to switch shifts with a parent during the holidays.” Ouch.

But here's the kicker: another coworker came up to me and confided that they had been pressured to switch vacation days with the same person in the past, and they regretted doing it because it messed up their own plans. So now, I’m glad I stood my ground. I’m not sure what the long-term fallout of this will be, but one thing is for sure: I’m not giving up my vacation.

I need this time with my family more than ever, and I refuse to feel guilty for prioritizing that. Also, thank you to everyone who reassured me that standing my ground wasn’t selfish. It’s easy to second-guess yourself when the pressure mounts, but the overwhelming support here has made it clear that I’m not in the wrong.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

DoneOver69position wrote:

In this day and age with a woman like that, it's not a once in a life time occasion, it's just her first wedding. Not your fault that she scheduled her wedding during your vacation. She could have looked at the work schedule then planned her wedding. She was careless, and you are just letting her know the world does not revolve around her.

TwoBionickees wrote:

HR, make a complaint about her behaviour, cc'ing everyone in the office over a completely personal matter was intentionally pressuring you to do what she wants. She's also pressured other people for other holidays meaning it has nothing to do with the wedding, it's about her not planning and being the selfish one. If she gets fired, she won't have any issues with the honeymoon.

glimmerseeker wrote:

Good for you for NOT giving in. The only thing I would have done different - when she CC’d the entire team whining about not getting what she wanted, I would have sent everyone your reply back. Let everyone know she wanted to ruin YOUR vacation plans because she didn’t plan for HER honeymoon.

It’s good your boss supported you but he shouldn’t have asked you to “compromise” since you’d get nothing from changing your plans. Remember everyone giving you passive aggressive comments for future reference.

Honestly, I’d stop switching with ANYONE who sided with the entitled whiny bride. Btw - you’re not obligated to switch during the holidays just because someone’s a parent. Your time is no less important for not having kids. Have a fabulous vacation!

AgeRevolutionary3907 wrote:

I'm sorry but if this woman send an email to everyone attacking you, by name?
Go to HR, this is a hostile work environment.
Your boss knows of this and did nothing about it, and not only that, he tried to make you give up your holidays for her?

Ocean_Sun288 wrote:

Document Document Document! Every slight, every snide comment, document it. She's trying to create a hostile work environment by throwing a temper tantrum. Most reasonable adults don't do this, especially in a professional setting. I agree with others that this should be escalated to HR or someone higher because your boss asking you to compromise is also inappropriate.